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i feel so alone.
F/20
2013 has been a challenging year for me. It started out with my mother getting diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and lymphnode cancer. Even now she still might not make it. Each day I worry if she is okay and each treatment she has puts me in a state of fear not knowing if she can overcome the effects. Another weight is the guilt I have for getting an abortion earlier this year weighing on me. I know it was right but it still hurts. Now, Friday night my boyfriend picks me up from work and is quiet the whole way home. Doesn't say anything but rubs my leg and smiles at me sadly. We get home and he tells me my mother called and wants to speak with me. She tells me my grandfather is in kidney failure and will not make it to Thanksgiving. I finally broke and cried uncontrollably. I wanted to tell my boyfriend the pain I am feeling. I feel empty and alone. Sometimes when I can't handle it I close my eyes and pretend to disappear or don't exist. Sometimes when it is really quiet at home I lay down and close my eyes and zone out my mind until I stop thinking and feel like I am just floating Away from my worries. I feel alone like there is no one there who truly cares whether or not I am happy. My boyfriend is there for me but he isn't very emotionally connected. He will hold me while I cry but he never says much back or looks sympathetic. I try to be strong but somedays I feel like there is little keeping me here. I just don't know what to do anymore I just want to feel okay and stop feeling like I want to vanish. Is this depression? Or stress? Why do I feel so lonely?
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
It'll take some time to feel better. I don't think you'll be able to pull yourself out of this feeling in an instant, but in time your feelings will hopefully improve. AspiMisfit has a lot of things right.
For instance, distractions. Keeping your mind occupied with things other than what's troubling you might help you cope.
Getting a conversation going with your boyfriend about your feelings might help him open up. If he doesn't say much, it could be that he simply doesn't know what to say. Like most of us, he can't feel what you're feeling and so he perhaps doesn't know how to respond to it. I'd ask him questions, reassure him that you love him, and hopefully gain some reassurance in the process.
A couple of things to keep in mind: These circumstances aren't within your ability to control. Things like giving your mother emotional support are all that can be done. Just be there for her. The pain of having an abortion can weigh heavily on people, but this is also something you can't control. I think, if you didn't think you were ready, you did the right thing. I'm glad you think so, too. In time, I think you'll feel better about it. Another thing to keep in mind is that when people are depressed, things effect them more heavily. You might feel more pain over things than usual and that's understandable and normal. The situation you are in is more stressful than what most people will probably ever go through.
Just be there for your mother and know that your boyfriend cares about you. Let people know how you feel so you aren't so alone with your thoughts. If all else fails, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor or therapist, like AspiMisfit said, if you need help with coping with these situations.
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It's normal to feel this way, first off. More has happened to you in less than a year than one can imagine. I think your biggest problem is loneliness, and you feel that no one is there to support you, especially your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel and let him know how detrimental this is for your situation. In terms of you being depressed, the best way to find that out is to immediately consult with a phycologist right away especially in the case you are feeling the want to "vanish" such as you said. A phycologist will also help you manage your stress and stop reliving your bad moments to the point that it becomes unbearable. As a personal less costly remedy from me would also just stop obsessing! As you said, the decisions you've made where the right thing, which means it is time to move on. Make some friends, go out on a fun date with your boyfriend, get hooked on a good tv series or book, anything to distract your mind and just let go. What's done is done. None of what has happened to you is your fault, and I'm sure your mother would be a lot happier if she saw that her health wasn't affecting your mental health. And if you really feel you have no one to turn to, just contact me in my coloum at AspiMisfit and I'll answer back:) good luck and much love I really hope that helped!
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