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How often should your parents visit you in college?
I'm in my first semester at college. My mom is a single mom, and we've always been close. She's highly introverted (also possibly Asperger's according to my aunt), and I'd say she depends on me a lot, because she doesn't have any close friends . I've never been able to draw boundaries with her in our relationship- she always has to have her way. Up until now, I've respected that because she's my parent and had the authority.
Since I've started college though, my mom has been visiting me 1-3 times per week at my college dorm. She says she's bringing me food. I have an intestinal disorder, so extra food is nice. However, I don't need the food because my college cafeteria is preparing my restricted diet meals. I've told her again and again that I appreciate the food but I don't want or need anymore. I tell her I can only see her once a week. She nods and smiles, and then turns up a few days later with more food. On top of that, she calls and/or emails everyday and wants to know what I'm doing.
Today, I got really angry at her when she showed up with a bag of bagels. She acted all hurt and left without saying anything.
Usually at this point, I would call her and try to make her feel better. But I feel this situation is ridiculous. How often should I let her visit me? What's reasonable? What would you do if you were in my situation?
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I'm not so sure about your mother suffering from Asperger's. Mostly because you have not given enough information to make that determination and what you have given does not truly fit the nature of the illness.
What I am more comfortable with believing is mom is suffering from empty nest syndrome. Not a true diagnostic term but just as real. The fact that you two have always been close and possibly she has been somewhat codependent on you makes me believe this is more the problem. She uses your intestinal disorder as an excuse to come visit and she brings food as justification of her visit.
Now how do you handle this problem?
You could try logic. I'm sure her multiple visits are disruptive to your schedule which would include time you need to study and prepare for the next days classes. If I am right or even close to being right, and I understand the need for the social aspects of college life as well. Then you might explain this to her.
You start by saying; Mom I love you and I do value spending time with you." "But your visits so many times a week are hurting me academically." "The time you are spending with me while it is nice takes time away from study time I need. Time I need to also prepare for my classes the next day." "College is so much harder than high school and I need to join study groups if I am going to get the grades I want." "I can't do this if I am entertaining you three times a week." You can go on to assure her that the cafeteria is making meals you can eat based on your dietary needs so there is no need for her to bring food up every other day.
If logic doesn't work and I am correct about empty nest syndrome. Then you are between a rock and a hard place. Mom is lonely and misses not having you at home. You need to find her something to occupy her time. You might try talking with your Aunt to see if between you if you can't find something, Church groups or some hobby she might enjoy to get her active in.
I know just as much as you want you freedom of time and space, you also do not want to hurt your mom by telling her your a big girl now and don't need her help anymore. Though it may come down to that or something very close to it; or put up with mom popping in when the mood strikes her.
As for calling you. I assume she call your cell phone. Tell her that during the day when your in class she cannot call unless she is deathly ill or the house is on fire. You cannot take calls while you in class so limit her calls to a specific time in the evening. This is something you have every right to make her accept considering if she does call during class consistently you could be ejected from the class.
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