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Should I be with him?
Female, 18
Here is the list of pros and cons I made:
Pros of being with him
1.I know I love him. He loves me. We’re a happy family.
2. He treats me right.
3. He makes me laugh.
4. He would never intentionally hurt me.
5. I can tell him things.
6. I know he’ll love me unconditionally.
Cons of being with him
1. He makes me feel insecure.
2. He could potentially stab me in the heart.
3. Distance
4. Not sure if he's the one with me.
I tried being with him. We loved each other a lot. But the main issue was him making me feel insecure and hurt (maybe irrationally, but hurt nonetheless). I eventually ended things. He was hurt because he didn't think I had a proper reason for breaking up with him. We've hung out as friends since, and now I feel like I'm in the same place I was 6 months ago. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with him. And I know he's never stopped loving me. (Btw he's 22.) We are long distance btw, so that's always a consideration.
Please give me some advice. I'm so conflicted!
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Well you have to think if these cons outweigh the pros.
I think the biggest problem would be him making you feel insecure. What does he do that makes you feel insecure? If this isn't something the two of you can work on, then there's a good chance you won't be happy most of the time.
As for the rest of the cons. Anyone you love can potentially hurt you. In one way or another, he will hurt you and you will hurt him. But there are ways to get through that.
Distance can be managed. That's not impossible but it really depends on what you're looking for.
Not sure if he's the one, you'll need time on that one. I think you should go slow, give yourself some time to see if you can have a future with him.
The pros are great. He loves you unconditionally, can you do that for him? If you can't see yourself loving him when he does stupid things, screws up, ect, he's probably not the one.
I like how adviceman told you to look into his work and such. Can he hold a job? Like, does he jump around from job to job?
How does he treat his parents?
How does he treat people in general?
You don't need to make decisions like this quickly. I mean it is a big deal, so take your time.
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At your age love can some times be fickle as in confusing. It is almost like being in love for the first time all over again. In on sense it is.
You have been through the High school teenage romances where some girls go through boyfriends faster than weeks change on the calendar. It is very rare that a high school romance ends up in marriage.
Now at 18 you are an adult and romance takes on a new meaning. You are still looking to go out and have a good time but the end game here is to find a life partner. Before you were in a sense understudying for this portion of your life. Now the game is real and it is harder to walk away from someone when the heart and mind are in conflict.
The pros on your list are all good ones, everything you could want in a man though missing a few that should be there such as will he be a good provider. Does he have a good work ethic. What type of a father might he be. You might add these to one of the lists if you know the answer.
On the Con side of you list 3 out of the four stand out as red flags to me. The first one; "He makes me feel insecure," Is the biggest red flag. If you cannot feel secure and comfortable with him then this is not a good match.
Comfort and security are the two biggest potions of a marriage. If you are not comfortable with each other and secure in the knowledge that your partner will not harm you, will care for you and in all ways look out for you. Then everything else, including great sex, will not hold your marriage together making this person a poor choice for a life partner. You can be great friends, you just may not be able to live together as man and wife.
Number 2 is included in what I wrote above and the above is also the reason why you wrote number 4. As for distance. There are ways to overcome the problems of distance. Your problem is items I, 2 & 4. If these were not present in your mind you would find away in you thinking you would find away to overcome.
There is one other reason for number 4; that is that you may not be ready to settle down yet. Which I would agree is something you should give serious consideration to. You have time to play the field before you settle down. Statistically the older you are when you marry the more solid your marriage will be.
It would be wrong for any of us to tell you to stay with him or to find someone else. This has to be your decision. What I will say is within the list of pro's and cons you have written is your answer and I believe you see this. You're looking for confirmation of that thought. I will go as far as this: You have done correctly in this instance in putting your thoughts down as you have. Now trust your instincts and go with the decision you see before you.
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