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Trouble with my step-dad and leaving his house. :/ The story is a long one.
Hello to everyone who reads this. It's going to be long. Sorry about that.
I'm a girl who just turned 18 this July of 2013 and I have been having to deal with the issues I've had with my step-dad for five years now. Well, I guess not counting the two years I went to live with my biological father...so I guess three years. Almost four counting this year.
Moving on...I just can't bring myself to get along with him. We don't argue on a daily basis or anything, but when we do have a disagreement, it's heated and he always ends up being the one to break off the conversation and walk away. I never cuss at him or swing at him or anything like that, but he will occasionally cuss at me or cuss out my family members. (I don't consider him my family) I use non-vulgar language and try keeping my voice calm and collected, but sometimes when I'm really emotional or passionate about a certain subject, I will raise my voice or end up crying. I rarely cry in front of him though (or anyone for that matter) because to me...It's a sign of weakness, and I don't want him to feel like he's won anything. I like to walk away feeling like the person didn't get to me, but if I have to, I will cry somewhere in private, usually in my room. Once in a blue moon I don't make it to the safety of privacy.
Our heated conversations that have occurred over these past couple of years are usually over me, my mother, and my sister living there. He complains that my mother doesn't make enough money at the job she works at right now. She's currently enrolled in school to get her aesthetics certification, but for now she's only working as a self-practiced massage therapist. He complains about how me, my little sister, and my mother don't do enough work around the house in order to earn our keep. He's called my little sister a, "lazy cow" "stupid cow" and a "bitch," yet when I try to tell him, during one of our conversations, that he has characteristics of an emotional narcissist, not even a full blown narcissist, but CHARACTERISTICS of a narcissist,and he chewed me out for it.
The base of the story is that my step-dad and my mother met when my mother left me and my sister in her brother's care while she took a week off work to visit one of my aunts who rented a room in his home. He found her attractive and they talked over the phone for three months after she came back. He told her he was going to kick out my aunt and allow us to move in with him, so we did. Before we moved in, me, my mom and my little sister were all living off my mother's twelve dollar an hour work wage, so we were far from wealthy. My mom was driving around in her eight year old, beat up Kia Sophia car, and me and my younger sister were wearing clothes that were bought for us two years ago. My step-dad made and still makes fifty dollars an hour working for Boeing, so there was a big money barrier there. In his eyes, he took us in out of the kindness of his heart and for love. In my eyes, he took us in because we'd be easy to control because of our situation. He had the money, we didn't, so we had to please him or we'd be out.
The day we moved in, I was 13 and my sister was 11 years old. The minute we'd brought all of our bags in from the car and me and my sister took a seat in the living room, my step-dad grabbed my mother into his arms and gave her a sloppy french kiss, then looked at me and my sister as if to say, "I'm top dog here." Ever since then...I...hated...his...guts. A month after we'd moved in, he and my mother decided to get married. He bought her a new car (in his name), enrolled her into massage school like she wanted, bought us all new clothing, and took us out to eat, and had lots, and lots of loud sex with my mother for that first year. Sure, I made nice with him for most of the time up until the day he made my little sister pack her bags and leave to live with my biological dad who's crazy and definitely a full blown narcissist. They'd got into a fight over my step-dad trying to control everyone in the house as well as the fact that my sister thought he only emotionally cared for our mother and not us. He'd told my mother that he wasn't going to put up with her kind of attitude in his house, so it was either him, or my little sister. To this day, he swears that it was my sisters choice to leave. Of course I went with her. I'm that little girl's mother figure in this world. I always have been. She even does call me mom sometimes, but only when our real mother isn't in the room. Otherwise she'll call me Bunny. It's my family nickname.
We'd had to come back after a couple of years because my biological father proved to be incompetent and unfit in the areas of caring for minors mentally and physically. My step-dad wasn't all that happy about it, but he played nice for a while because my mother had picked up her lovely habit of alcoholism when we'd left and had accused him of sending her babies away while we were gone. It was a selfish kind of being nice because without us...she really is a mess, she complains more often, is drunk all the time, and isn't really around and open for intimacy as much. Him being nice and more communicable with us made her happier, and I do believe that he likes to see her happy, but he never wanted kids. He never had kids before us. But, he learned the hard way that a mother comes along with her kids. It's a package deal.
Since we'd first came back he'd been on eggshells, but this past year and a half, he's been threatening to throw us all out of his house if we don't shape up our daily schedules. He's mainly pissed off about my mother's drinking habit, but from my observation, he hates when she drinks alone. He's a drinker and loves drinking. He get's drunk on his own, but when my mother does it and it's not o.k. He likes a woman who's a social drinker only. He's yelled at her when he finds out she's been drinking alone and says nasty things to her making her feel the need to hide out inside rooms and closets in the house.
But, the other problem is also the tidiness of the house. My mother's currently going to work and school, when she gets home, she's tired and naps before doing homework and then watching t.v. until she falls asleep drinking her tall cup of juice and vodka. She doesn't really have time to clean and prepare and etc. My sister goes to school during the day and has homework when she comes home then likes to relax for a little while before doing anything, but she does help around the house. Her jobs are to alternate between doing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning the bathroom as well as her room. I just graduated from high-school not but a few months ago, and I'm already up early in the morning to clean up after my sisters morning messes before she goes to school. My other chores are taking out the trash, trimming the yard bushes outside when needed, taking out and sorting the recycle, washing the two dogs once every two weeks, as well as alternating between the chores my little sister has as well.
In the midst of all this I am currently filling out resumes and going to interviews for future jobs and getting calls from and visiting future colleges I'd like to attend. Among all this, my step-dad still has things to complain about such as, "the chores aren't being done often enough," "your spending too much time doing nothing rather than getting stuff done," I don't know what the hell he wants from us! He figures that because he works nine hours a day and makes the most money, he gets to come home and do practically nothing, but sit upstairs and watch t.v! I respect the fact that he takes care of most everything financially, but it doesn't give him the right to treat us like we're less competent of a person than he is. This is what me and him have been arguing about lately as well as the fact that he's just emotionally detached from me and my sister...but I really don't care about that part anymore.
I don't have a drivers license, only a permit, because to my step-dad it costs too much money for right now. If he had it his way, I'd never get it. Anything that has to deal with me being able to get out into the world on my own, my step-dad will fight it, but act like he's not fighting it. It's very hard to explain what I mean by that, it's one of those things you have to see or experience to get. But that's how he is with lots of thing we need anyway. I have to walk or ride my bike almost everywhere I want to go and need to go. I have no way of making money at this point because I don't have a job yet, but when I get one...I want to be out of here as soon as possible. Which brings me to the fact that my step-dad has given us all three months before he decides whether we're worthy of staying with him anymore. He's giving us three months because in three months is when my mother graduates from her aesthetics course in school. Me and my sister are still keeping up on our chores trying to keep him pleased, but I can't take his attitude about my family. I don't really talk to him unless he speaks to me first, but otherwise, I stay away from him and his weirdness.
The worst part about the entire thing is that he only told me about the fact that we'd have to be preparing to leave during one of our disputes. He told me that I couldn't tell my mother because he didn't want her freaking out before finishing school. I broke the promise that I never made in the first place and told her as well as my little sister. My mom's in denial and has been going about day to day like nothings going to happen. My little sister is out advertising herself for a job so that hopefully if we needed to we could hold ourselves up together because the truth is...if we do get booted out, my mother doesn't get enough clients going through her door to make enough money to support the three of us. She'd barely have enough to support herself. My sister would be put into foster-care if we couldn't find a relative other than our biological dad for her to live with, and because I'm 18, I'd just be out on the streets unless I could get a decent job or find someone that would take me in as well. Our options for other family members are slim, so the thought of having to leave, especially this soon is scary. I definitely don't want to be separated from my sister, I'd want to be able to take care of her myself.
I'd told my mother in the beginning, around a week after she'd married the flippin' jerk that their relationship would not work out for the better. I saw something like this would come about, but I'd never imagined that it would be in such a drastic way. I don't know what I'm expecting by posting this...I just don't understand why the guy acts the way he does. He acts as if he's the most perfect person in the world and everyone else is the one with the problems and imperfections. If things don't go the way he planned, he gets angry and threatens, and scolds. I question myself all the time about why he took in our family who didn't start out with much. So, that he could bring us up only to bring us further down than we were before? Some sort of twisted joke he holds inside himself? It feels as if he wanted us here to have someone to praise him and provide maid service. Since we've all been arguing a lot about the way he handles things, he doesn't want us around anymore...it's super frustrating.
At this point, I could care less about him. I just want to make sure that my real family is safe and stable if we have to leave. My mother says she loves my step-dad and is doing everything in her power to please him and make him want her. My little sister does what she has to do because I've told her to keep on the down-low with her feelings and keep up on keeping our step-dad semi-happy until we know we can get out of here fine. I am just trying to find the quickest route out of here for me and my sister, but our situation is very confining especially since he has taken care of most everything financially for so long. To no longer have that support will be a big change really fast and not a good one in our case.
Sorry, again for this being so long and confusing. Any suggestions on how I can help soften the blow that has been thrown upon my family would be nice if you can muster some useful advice. Thanks for reading my long essay if you did. I will appreciate your answers.
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You don't have to apologize, all of your detail was needed. First paragraph, I wondered if you were just an argumentative teen, but in the details that unfolded, I can see that you are the stable, mature and mentally healthy one in the bunch as far as adults are concerned. I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I would have to agree that most of your judgements are probably right on. Whether the mental illness is exactly Narcissism or not, any mental illness is going to be devastating on the people around someone like that.
This hits home for me. I was married 30 yrs to a man who had mental illness which slowly got worse over the years. We became friends with a neighbor couple who were always over at our house...almost as if they lived there. My husband just loved them...maybe cus he could relate, the husband was narcissistic and the wife was someone like your mom. I was the only strong sane one. The last straw for me was when the neighbor guy started ordering me around and I wasn't even his wife! My marriage had been suffering. I stayed sane through all the years due to my faith in God. I had a close conversational relationship with Spirit, so where I lacked any kind upbuilding words from husband, I got it from God. But even tho I could keep mentaly sane, the stress of such a life took its toll on my body. God told me to leave because at that point if I didn't I'd be dead in 4 years from the stress due to heart attack or cancer. I left. Even as an adult, my pitiful salary wasn't going to support me and I wanted to get reasonably far enough away so he couldnt come after me. Went to live a year out of state.
I can relate to your mom too. I believe she is drinking because part of her is very unhappy with her situation and with him but she also doenst feel strong enough to leave.
The fact that your bio. dad was the same and she left him shows that she has some lesson to learn in life that can best be learned by having a narcissistic or mentally ill man in her life. For me, it was learning to love myself enough to not subject myself any further to such treatment. No human deserves to be treated that way. The reason such people come into our lives is to give us an opportunity for us to grow in strength and character and actually learn something that betters us as a person. I am willing to bet thats what your mom was meant to learn and up to presnet day, she isn't figuring it out or her mindset is that she somehow doesn't deserve any better. What gets me though is that she seemed to be learning it when she left your dad. However, we all get tested later so that we can know we really learned the lesson. I got tested. When dating after the ex, there was a guy who ended up being narcissistic. He and I had been sharing an apt. and he got mad because I wouldn't allow him to control me so he left me stranded with an apt I couldn't afford. So either I fail the test and beg him to come back and allow myself to go under his control just to have a roof over my head, or face being homeless. I found one male friend who would let me stay for free until I could save up enough for 1nst and last to get into my own cheaper place. The good thing is, I didn't cave in as your mom did, and because I passed the test, two month later, I met the man who became my husband. He is loving and supportive, no mental illness. etc....
Why I tell you this is that some day, your mom may wake up and leave him. But no one can tell her that. That has to come from inside her. So, in short, I'm saying that at this point in time you can't rely on her for any help, but then I think you already know that.
Your sister can not be kicked out because she is under legal age and the laws of this country will make sure your mom is forced to keep her.
However, no matter what the law says, there are people in the state of minds where they will break the law, so your sister could easily still get kicked out and abandoned or left with other unscrupelous adults.
And what about yourself?
What ever happened to your aunt? Is she employed and does she have a place to live? Do you have any other living relatives, even if they don't live close. If you two girls had to move several states away to be taken care of, then so be it. You may have to be the one to do all the foot work and check up with people.
You said your sis already sees you as a mom figure, and I know that in the past, there have been siblings of legal age who were able to legally become the guardian of the siblings. You may not be able to do it alone but it may be manageable if you were living with a relative other than dad, mom or step dad, and basically be renting a bedroom from them to share with your sis. You could also call CPS in your area ahead of time and ask what recourses you have if the two of you are kicked out in a couple months. Bring them up to date on the details. Include how bio dad wasn't seen to be fit to have custody and how step dad isn't any better but mom is with him and allows him to call all the shots which pretty much excludes mom in the consideration of who is looking after the childrens welfare.
Only problem is as long as food clothing and shelter has been provided, verbal abuse and threats and fighting isn't enough necessarily for them to take your sister out of there.
You might try talking to her school counselors and asking what agencys they can think of that might be able to help the both of you. Since you are an adult, I wonder if you'd qualify for help through womens shelters. It wouldn't hurt to give them a call and if they can't help, ask them what agency you might be able to turn to. You are going to need some help and support to be able to get on your feet and get a job, your drivers license, etc... I'd try other relatives first tho.
I really feel for you dear. Keep in touch throughout the future and let me know how its going for you.
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