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Relationship bond seems to be fading
Hey..
I have a question to ask.I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. Problem is,I don't feel that chemistry anymore.
We used to hang out at least once a week and over the weekends too.That has changed to him being busy all the time leaving us limited or even no time together.
We would text or call,but that has changed to upto three days of no communication unless it's liking each other's posts on facebook.
It has gotten to the point where I feel like it's one-way. It's like anything that needs to happen has to be my effort. Sometimes it works but sometimes he ends up cancelling.
I know they say that at this point my boyfriend needs space..or he may be contemplating a break-up..or he may be cheating e.t.c.. I've heard it all and it's hard to relate to it because I just don't get any coldness or any of those negative feelings from him.He actually apologizes for it at times like when I get emotional.I do give him his space at times e.g I don't call too often and I don't get naggy and pushy with him.
So my question..where do I go from here? Is it time to reconsider this relationship?Are there any signs I may be missing?What is the best approach that will give me an answer,good or bad?
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Hi there. Chemistry is indeed often the key issue. I'll cut the waffle but we do have a 'bonding hormone' called oxytocin. When we 'fall in love' we produce much more of it. It creates a 'loved-up' feeling and makes us focus on one person (our partner, hopefully!) to the exclusion of others. A sort of 'tunnel vision'. (At normal levels we are more 'open to offers' romantially speaking). After a while (and you're in the zone) the levels begin to return to normal. You do NOT necessarily 'fall OUT OF love' with the person. Far from it. But you do begin to notice other things and other people more again. It should have done it's job...you should have formed a strong pair-bond and the relationship has moved on to a deeper, more sustainable level. Unfortunately, it can expose the fact that the IS NO deeper level with this person, then the relation may well start to show cracks. I don't want to 'de-mystify' love. The affinity, the sharing of oneself can be strong, real and the most wonderful feeling we can experience. But I hope a little extra light might help you weigh-up the state of play of YOUR relationship?? Best wishes.
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What is the best approach that will give me an answer,good or bad? Thats the best question so I will answer that.
You need to be frank with him and ask. When you ask, may sure you are not pointing out things he is doing saying or how he is acting and saying thats the problem. And do this face to face, not in text or phone calls, you want to be able to read his body language and facial expressions too and its good for him to see yours.
An example would be, John, I want to talk to you about our relationship and some things I am feeling that concern me. Is this a good time to discuss it?
If he says no and keeps saying no and is not serious to discover whats on your mind, then he is not giving the relationship a priority. For men a relationship is usually juggled with a couple other priorities such as job, school or sports, but it should never end up on the back burner. If this happens dear, you tell him you don't want apologies but want his attention if the relationship is important to him and if he wont sit and discuss it, then you will break up with him.
Hopefully when you ask if its a good time to discuss it, he will say yes or do so the next day.
Then you tell him that you are feeling some changes. That it could be all on your part but you are concerned that it will affect the relationship. Mention you notice a lack of chemistry, that you don't feel the same attraction, that maybe the attraction you had was more of a new relationship energy that slowly faded as the months went by, or you are guessing it might be related to the fact that he is so busy that you have much less contact with him. You can mention that like a young seedling you know a relationship needs to be nourished or it will not blossom. Let him know you are looking to be more than an occasional friend or activity partner (ie someone to go dancing with or to a movie but not but in a meaningful relationship with, just to get in some sociallizing)
Right now, he is so busy that the amount of time he has for even an activity partner is very little. So you feel neglected. You're not blaming
him. He has his job and other commitments. But you wonder if his life must continue that way because he has no choice or is he choosing to be that busy? That is a valid question and should let you know whether you want to spend anymore time making yourself available to him.
Some people know they would prefer being single but having the opposite sex to socialize with the rest of their lives. You don't just magically become ready to commit to a long term or life time relationship at some later point in life. Its there and a part of you or it is not. A person can be running or hiding from something or not have dealt with some issues that prevent them from commiting but once dealt with, they can faithfully commit.
What might be better point to view this situation from dear, is what is the purpose of dating? Is dating what most people think, having someone to pay attention to you so you don't feel alone? And maybe romance and sex is involved?
Not really.
The path to Relationships goes through a few stages. First just the attraction level, staring alot which eventually leads to conversation. If conversational stage of a relationship goes well and both parties are still interested, then they agree to begin to meet, make dates.
The dating stage is to find out more about each other. Looking to see what you have in common or not, exactly how strong is that attraction. I can be attracted enough to quite a lot of men if all it was going to be was sex, but If I wanted someone in love with me who treated me as such, then that narrows it down to very very few guys who can come any where near to be just the right partner. at some stage you will become pickier and choosier...you all learning what you like and don't like about a guy. How big an issue are the don't likes. Things like mistreatment of you will show the beginning of a bad pattern. From dating we go to steady couple dating, and sometimes this stage involves a couple living together. It is hard to hide certain things from the other when you see each other 24/7 under any and all circumstances. Its hard to keep any bad things hidden or potential problems quiet for too long in this stage. If all is still okay and the couple deeply in love, then they vow to be together for the rest of their lives whether married or not.
At any stage along this path, even sometime in the commited relationship, a person can discover the other was not who they thought he/she was and they break up. Or in committed relationships, one or both partners change and grow in good ways but ways that take them further apart from each other so they part on friendly terms and move on in their lives possibly to new partners.
Don't worry abut personal space for him unless you are living together. He has plenty of time for personal space and if he uses that excuse against you, its a bunch of balony.
Nowhere did you mention feeling love for him. You did say chemistry. But I know that chemistry doesnt always translate to love. So if chemistry fades and theres no love to carry you on, well..the relationship will eventually die.
Heres a quote I came up with that pretty much sums up what you are experiencing with it feeling one way only right now.
"Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so."
If he doesnt have time for maximum effort on the relationship, then it may not be that important to him or at least not as important to him as it is to you...and theres the issue...you're not on the same page then, so again it's lopsided and won't work.
The decisions are all yours to make. Only you will know what is really true. I've only given you some things to think about to help you decide.
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