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I can't move on from it all.
I was with a guy for 5 months, lets call him X. So we really connected in all sort of ways as possible, we become really intimately close. We broke up because we used to argue a lot, sometimes we would just clash for no reason and it would blow into a really big argument. We have still been talking 7 months after our break up and I haven't lost one bit of feelings for him. We talk at least once very 2 week, sometimes we'll talk as just friends, others we will talk more than friends. But I just don't know what to because if we try to sort things out with each other, we'll be fine and then we will start arguing again. I can't lose these feelings, I go out on dates with guys who I know are my type and I'm like, but he's not X and I just think about him whilst on my dates and everything. Thanks! F/17
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Want the cold answer? Oxytocin, it's a 'bonding hormone'. The various 'loved-up' feelings occur when the levels are raised, when we choose a partner and 'fall in love'. At normal levels we are 'open to offers' as it were, romantically. The raised level gives us acute tunnel-vision and we focus and fix on just the one person. Levels are kept high by constantly re-affirming the bond (talking, socialising, physical closeness etc). They will remain high for up to around 18 months usually (intended to keep pairs together during pregnancy and directly after birth in evolutionary terms). When oxytocin levels return to normal, you do start to notice other people again, the tunnel-vision (feeling he's the only one for you) decreases. That's why you're not happy with the other guys you date right now, you're fixing on one. That's why you can't 'let go'. So stop re-affirming the bond by contact with him for a start. Of course, if you prefer something romantic and mystical you can believe he's 'the one' and you can't look at anyone else because you're destined to be together etc...etc. The personality clash will be difficult to overcome I think in the long-term and sounds rather self-destructive. Hope I've given you something to think about...at 17 you'll probably prefer the 'mystical power of love' idea!! Best wishes. ps. Other aspects of an individuals personality will tend to make them a 'torch-carrier' (remain fixed on the same person and exclude others after a break-up) or alternatively they'll more easily transfer the feelings to another. Are you in general the sort to hang-on to things, or the type who cuts their losses and moves on?
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Well the reason why you can't move on is because you're still talking to him. You're not ready to let him go or at least you're not trying to.
Being friends with your ex is hard, especially if you have feelings for them.
My friend in college had a break up that she wasn't taking well but she remained friends with him and couldn't get over him no matter what she did. She talked to one of the teachers. The teacher told her that being friends, actually means being friends. So that means you'll have to be ok with him seeing other girls. When you have feelings for someone, you're not going to be ok with that.
So you already know that you and this guy aren't good for each other. You both don't know how to handle your problems so you should let him go.
This is what I've noticed with a lot of girls. It hurts when you break up with someone, but it'll take a couple months to get over it. There are some girls who take years to get over someone. And they say, "I can't find anyone like him, I keep comparing him to other guys, I'll never get over him, ect". And that's why they are holding on for years. I was in that boat and I completely understand it. I dated other guys but I was always texting him. Eventually I had to stop because I realized that it didn't help me get over him and I needed to meet a guy who I was compatible with.
So stop talking to him, cut contact with him. You're not going to move on when you're still talking to him, because that's not letting go. Once you stop talking to him, give yourself time to move on. Then you'll meet new guys and maybe fall for one of them.
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It sounds like you can't let go because you keep in constant contact with him which will definitely make it 100x harder. It's a gut wrenching decision but you should decide to either talk or permanently separate, you will move on easier, stop comparing other guys to X, and you'll feel better that you know what you want to do. You should talk to X about how you feel because you are both leading each other on by fluctuating between talking as friends then as more than friends. It's not fair to either of you. You're definitely in a touch situation but I believe that talking to X will help you clear your thoughts. I hope this helped!
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