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Getting married
First of all, I just wanted to say that I really like the advice that you give. They are very in depth and well spoken. That's why I'm asking you this question.
My boyfriend and I (21/f and 23 m, respectively) have been together for 4 years. He really wants to get married. I, on the other hand, do not. Not because I don't love him, but because I don't see the point. We already live together, we share finances, we have a cat together. You know, we do normal couple things and, most of all, we love each other. He places so much importance on having a piece of paper that states that we are legally married as opposed to just being happy with what we have. And both of us are atheist/agnostic, so it's not a religious thing. We don't believe in sex/kids after marriage, and we don't plan on having any kids, if at all, for a while. He says that he trusts me completely and never has any suspicions of me cheating or anything, which of course I would never. But that's really the only reasons I can think of that a guy would want to get married so badly.
I've tried to understand why he wants this so bad but he doesn't really have an answer that explains much. Usually he will just say something like "because we love each other and that's what we should do, is get married". What I really want to know is, why is it that he can't show his love without being married (not that he doesn't), why is the marriage certificate so important to him when, after we get it, we would be doing the same things that we are now. I would just like to understand more completely what he's thinking.
Any and all input would be great, thank you!
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This is a good question, one to which I know all the legal reasons for getting married. These reasons have everything and nothing to do with love and romance though they may or may not be his or all of his reasons.
The main reason we marry is that is what society expects of us even today. If a couple, same sex or opposite sex, are in love they marry. Same sex marriages are somewhat new to today but the social and driving force behind them remains the same. We were raised in families that both parents were married, it is what we were raised and expected to do as adults. It is practically in or DNA.
You though are not alone in how you feel about marriage. In my own family I have two nieces'. My oldest niece has no intention of marrying even though her significant other wants very much to marry her. They have lived together for over a decade and he has followed her back and forth across the country. My youngest niece married very young that marriage failed. She has remarried to a guy that adores her and they have been married for five years presenting us with their first child just last month.
Two girls growing up in the same house one very much believes in marriage one does not. Why is this. My sister is the reason. Her first marriage failed. My oldest niece was in her formative years when the marriage failed and has never forgiven her father for walking out. My youngest niece was still a preschooler. By the time she reached her formative years my sister was remarried with my brother in-law providing the stability that wasn't there for my older niece.
Now you have given some reasons, which sound a bit like my oldest niece, but not why you feel this way. Could it be your parents are divorced and you don't trust marriage now?
Now for the legal reasons which are very much apart of the reason one loves another. When we get sick and cannot care for ourselves or make decisions for ourselves. Only a spouse or next of kin can make decision for us.
If you are not legally married you cannot make these decisions for your loved one or make the decision even though it may be the hardest one to make knowing this is what your significant other wants, and you cannot make it for them unless you are married. This is the main reason gay and lesbian community has fought so hard for the right to marry.
Without that piece of paper as you call it. You could be forced to sit on the sidelines and watch your lover or he you suffer needlessly. To me this is probably the biggest reason for that needless piece of paper. It legalizes something that never needed to be legalized in the first place but now that it has; without it there can be a lot of needless pain.
Then there is the financial side of things. Taxes are the biggest part. Married couples can save huge sums in taxes. Home ownership is another. I do not know where you live but still in certain parts of this country there are lenders who will not lend to tenants in joint, I believe the term is. They will only lend to married couples and singles maybe. It is unlawful and they will never tell you that is their reason. They will find other reasons such as a low credit score or you need to come up with a bigger down payment.
I understand why you feel as you do. We should not need a piece of paper to prove our love for one another. In reality that piece of paper is not proof of our love for someone but certification that opens the door and closes legal loopholes that allow us to be full and complete lovers to our loved ones.
I cannot say for sure what is your boyfriends reason for wanting to marry. I'm sure some of what I have written here is part of the why. You two really need to have an open and frank discussion about your feelings on marriage.
Some of the things I have written about can be overcome with legal paperwork which may or may not stand up in court when the time comes. A marriage certificate cannot be overwritten unless dissolved by divorce.
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