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Talk about a dysfunctional family.
I don't normally do this, but my family is so screwed up I wouldn't feel comfortable asking advice from people I know, so here goes.
All my life, I was a total daddy's girl. I worshiped him. I looked more like him than anyone in my family.
On my 12th birthday, my dad left my mom and I to go work as a producer in L.A. He would e-mail and call me on occasion, but after a few months he cut all communication with no explanation.
My mom did the best she could to raise me, but she spent a lot of time dating and not much time with me. I couldn't help but miss my dad.
I spent all of my time trying to get in touch with him. He's a pretty big name in the music industry, so while I could find his website and his twitter and his tour dates, actually getting in contact with him was next to impossible. One day, I contacted NBC since my dad was going to be on the Tonight Show that week. I told them my story and sure enough, a few days later, I got an e-mail from my dad. He told me that he wasn't my biological dad and that he met my mom during a difficult time and was just trying to help. With that, he dismissed me from his life and left me totally lost.
When I confronted my mom with this, she told me she was raped. This shattered my perception of myself and landed me in therapy with suicidal thoughts-until I found out from a close family friend that my mom had lied. My biological dad was engaged to my mom and I had been planned. She lost her mind one day, left him, and planned to put me up for adoption. I guess when I was born, she couldn't bring herself to do that, but she tried to keep me a secret from my biological dad.
Anyways, this isn't the story of how I found my father-in my eyes, my dad is the man who raised me. This is the story of my mother, who struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you're unfamiliar with this illness, you're lucky. She lies constantly with no regards for others, but is so fragile you can't tell her the truth. How do I go on treating her with love and patience? She has ruined the life of everyone who loves her. I do my best, but it's getting harder every day. She risked the way I saw myself just to protect her lies. She has shattered my self-esteem and is doing the same now to my little siblings. How can I protect them?
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There is so much her that I'm not sure where to start. First I think it is wonderful that you want to look out for your step-siblings. That in and of itself speak volumes for who you are as a young adult.
Finding your biological father is something you need to do for reasons other than just the need to know who he is and to try and have a relationship with him. It is very important today to know the medical history of both your parents. Am I correct in my understanding the your biological father and the man that raised you are two different people. If so speak with your grandparents or your mothers sisters and brothers, if any, to find out who your biological father is. It is just possible he would like to meet you too.
As for the abuse your siblings are receiving from your mother. Child abuse comes in all different forms. Is the level of abuse your siblings are getting rise to the level of abuse where you can take the children from her or the courts can place them in foster care. This is what has to happen in order to protect them from your mother.
To properly protect your siblings you would and should contact child protective services. If your mom is as unstable as you believe they will step in to protect the children. If your mother does in fact truly suffer from Personality Disorder then Child protective services will want her to get help for this before the children will or could be returned to her. You should also contact a lawyer to see what your rights are in this event.
Fortunately or unfortunately because of who and where my wife works I an more knowledgeable with this disorder than most. People who suffer from Personality Disorder are not fixed with medication or therapy. They can be managed and made aware of how to live with the disorder though it is not something that is ever cured.
This disorder is also one that is most often missed diagnosed. To be properly diagnosed and receive proper help with. Mom needs to see a Board Certified Psychiatrist. Only a Board Certified Psychiatrists are trained to properly diagnose and treat people afflicted with this disorder.
As to you ever having a "normal relationship" with your mother. Probably not; as this disorder is a lot like manic depression. she will have good days where you can have an almost normal relationship with her. Then there will be the bad days when, well you know what those says are like.
What you can never do is let her be unsupervised with your children until they our old enough to understand and care for themselves. This would be somewhere in their mid to late teens. You mom could never be a baby sister for you. Especially if she refuses to get continuing treatment for her problem.
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I am deeply sorry...
If you really want the truth, You could ask this man to take a DNA test. If it were to come out negative the only real hope is to maybe ask your grandmother if she knew who may be your father.
I relate to some aspect, I grew up with a stepfather abd mother. Although I may of had a stepfather, It doesn't change that I don't know who my dad is.
Your mom may have issues but sometimes we need to learn to take the good with the bad and love the ones that tried.
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