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how do move on and love myself after a sociopath/narcissistic father??
15/f i'll try to make this as short as possible but when my parents got divorced in 2009 I was 11 and this is when the craziness had begun. my father the narc/socio made the divorce for my mom and his five kids terrible, involving legal troubles from the very beginning and police all the time. he turned his son against his mom and tried to make me and my younger who was 9 to hate my mom. he is very deceiving and then would act like no I wanted you to get along with your mother, when he knew I was fighting with her at home and most of the time it was because my dad would NEVER call/text/email my mom that he was coming to pick up my brother and me for the weekend which he was supposed to do by the court order for divorced, its not hard at all I would try explaining to him countless time just text her and arrange a time for us to go out to dinner. but he'd always have an exscuse like I don't want to I don't want to talk to her alwys selfish and would make me go back and forth between my mom and dad. I was once very outgoing, hilarious, spontaneous and unfiltered but I began to walk on eggshells with EVERYONE because of him. he made me feel scared and intimitaded like I had to do what he said. I only did it because I was constantly trying to please him and make him happy I just wanted to be accepted by him. im in therapy and am dealing with the "loss" of him. I hadn't seen him in 7 months this year and I went to see him and he looked like he had no soul, he had no remorse never said sorry and doesn't care about anyone but himself. the way he dictated my life made me feel trapped and insecure and hopeless the way I never feel. everything I was great at or did went bad, I stopped playing soccer because I was so overwhelmed by the situations that were happening, my grades dropped, I wasn't as popular anymore, I lost a lot of friends, and most of all I have the hardest time trusting people especially guys. I want to know how do I move on from him and how do I love myself again so I can be a happy normal kid again?? thankyou!
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It sounds like you have learned a valuable lesson in life, that that are some people that can never be pleased by you or anyone else. Usually its some form of mental illness or sociopathic disorder as you have mentioned. I had an ex who complained about how I had the kitchen set up, where things had their place and wanted me to fix it. So I tried to come up with something more effiecient and felt I had. I excitedly showed him after work one day. He was even angrier...was I stupid, thats not better. Get serious and make it work. So I tried a 3rd time, Same result. So being an intelligent person and wanting to please him, I asked him how he would like me to change it and I would do it to his orders. But since there really was nothing that would be good enough, he had no answer. So he tossed it back at me, You're the housewife, you should be able to figure things out. I gave up. I gave up so completely that i let my normally neat house go and didn't do anything. Got into a bad messy habit. It took time from being away from him and therapy to remember my former happy self and go back there...a choice i had to make, just like the choices I made to change who i was to please him.
If it helps any, sometimes a different perspective of the situation makes it easier to understand and move on. You may not believe this but I have changed from christian to more open spiritual beliefs of which one is reincarnation. The point here is that souls come back over and over to learn a certain lesson. If they fail, they have to do it in another lifetime. So some souls learn faster and easier than others, just like some subjects at school are easier for some than others. That means there can be souls on the planet who are way behind and immature and fighting the process of becoming more loving like our creator. This inevitably means that at some point, these souls end up in relationships and become parents. Just because a person becomes a parent does not mean that they have an evolved soul. So unfortunately this happens quite often. So rather than look at it only as a bad experience, try to look at it from the point of view, what did i learn from it. Perhaps one lesson is to learn to not fall into trap of feeling hatred, another may be to love yourself enough to not subject yourself to any more contact with people like that including dad. Its not a bad thing if you are doing it from the stand point of protecting yourself instead of hating him. If it bothers you seeing him and you do have a choice to go or not, then choose not to. As for will you recover? Yes, if you have the mind set and focus to do so. Some one needs to go thru terrible experience so they can be there to help encourage someone else later in same situation. Say position affirmations to yourself every day. Say that you are the things you say you used to be. When we speak it, our subconscious mind is forced to make it a reality so that what we say about ourselves matches who we are in reality. So even if you don't feel it is so now, keep it up and it will change for you. You might include in your affirmations, I know how to trust people. You see, when looking for someone to date or be in relationship, you know what signs look like that signal a guy is just like your dad. You don't even have to date him to find out. At your age, there won't be many males who have figured out yet who they are and what their core values are. So it may be hard for a while to find someone you can trust. But eventually you will, I know because I did. Never think it was your fault. Never limit yourself on becoming a better person than a parent because the notion that a child should never surpass a parent is a bunch of B.S. I am glad you are in therapy. If there is anything else I can help you with dear, feel free to write to my inbox, not where you put comments with ratings because there is no way to answer from there.
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Stay in therapy as this will help you the most. It will take time but you will learn through therapy how to deal with the emotions you now have. It is unfortunate that it is the children of divorce that are hurt the most.
I can't explain to you why your father is the way he is or why your parents got divorced. What I can tell with 100% accuracy is that not you or your siblings had anything to do with your parents divorcing. That your parents are wrong, specifically your father for turning their children against one parent or the other. Again this is unfortunately the rule rather than the exception in most divorces where custody is an issue.
Parents get so involved in their own fight that they fail to see how they are hurting their children or they feel that children are so resilient that what they are doing will not hurt them. What you can do now is not allow it to go on. Your therapist can help you with this. Your therapist can also help you with the other issues you spoke off.
None of us here can really give you the type of support your therapist can and you need. This type of communication does not lend itself to that. Given your age anything you say to your therapist stays with your therapist and not repeated back to mom or anyone else. Right now your therapist is your best friend who you can tell anything to secure in the knowledge that he or she will tell no one.
The work you will be doing with your therapist will be hard. In the end though there is a light that will make all the hard work worthwhile. You will have learned to put all this pain caused by the divorce in its proper place and move forward with your life. You will once again be able to trust people including men. It just takes a little time.
Should you ever feel you need some more reassurance you can always private message me and I will respond.
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