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My boyfriend is keeping secrets from me, and refuses to reveal what he is hiding. How can I deal with this?
22/f
I've been with my guy for about 4 years and I love him more than words could describe. I have no doubt in my mind that I want to marry him, and I completely trust him. About 8 months ago, I noticed him acting really weird and depressed, but he didn't want to talk about it and he actually ended things abruptly, no explanation. About 3 months later, I told him that that I'd feel awful if something happened to him and our last encounter was a fight over something stupid.
We moved on and things were back to normal. Lately he's been dealing with that very same thing and while I don't fear him leaving me or cheating on me or anything of that sort, he has this secret that he refuses to tell me. We got into a fight last night and I told him I was so confused because literally every aspect of his life, he tells me about. We are always brutally honest with each other and communicate so well.. up until this he has been completely open and he said he will continue to be open, he just can't tell me this ONE THING because he doesn't want to talk about it with anybody, period.
I almost ended things because I thought, it is something he could tell me and I would still love him, and he's choosing not to, even if it that means ruining our relationship. But how he sees it, is that our love is enough to look past it and move on since he believes it won't affect him much anymore. I understand that love should be unconditional but it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that the person who I know EVERYTHING about has a secret so big that I can't know. How am I supposed to look past that? I know he shouldn't have to tell me everything, but if it's that big of a deal, I can't help but think about it. What could it possibly be? How can I learn to deal with it?
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You are asking only how to mentally deal with this big secret between you. My personality is to not let something like this just be ignored as irrelevant. To me, I must pull every apple out of the bushel until I totally empty to check and see if there is one rotten apple in there. The reason for this is, no matter how small the rotten part on one apple is, if left to sit with all the good ones, the good ones will eventually be affected too. And this is translated to: whatever the secret is, if it's harmless (like some male pride thing he doesn't want anyone knowing about) then it won't poison the rest of the relationship. If on the other hand, his secret is something majorly bad (rotten) it WILL affect the rest of the relationship.
What could be so bad? I remember the TV series "Breaking Bad" a loving husband who got involved in manufacturing and selling drugs. He only wanted to provide for family once he died. Then he couldn't stop. Who knows what illegal thing your boyfriend has gotten himself into if he cannot tell a single living soul. Acting weird and being depressed is not normal behavior. If he was so sensitive about it as to end things once already, you can bet he had no qualms about doing it again. I would even go so far as to venture that his secret holds his attention first place and that you will always fall into 2nd place in his life. If you can live with that and any consequences that may arise, then do as you wish. If you are wanting to have children, does he? If he does, and you have kids, would it be fair to them to be part of a split family because Daddys big secret reared its ugly head and became known and was something that tore the family apart. If not for yourself, hold off on being in relationship with this guy for the sake of any possible future children until you know what the secret is.
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