|
Phobia of sex
I am an eighteen-year-old female, single as of this month. I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the month. Our relationship was awkward and I'm positive that 96% of it was my fault and here's why:
I am absolutely, utterly petrified of having sex. Sex itself doesn't bother me when it comes to romance novels, but it's when I'm involved is when I begin to panick. I realized this after I went to the doctor and she told me she was going to put something in my vagina. At first, I thought it was no problem, but when she actually sat me down on the table, I started to freak out and basically had a panick attack. It was the worst experience of my entire life. I felt completely idiotic afterwards as well, but no matter how hard I tried to calm down, I couldn't do it. She linked it to the fact that a girl inappropriately touched me back in middle school, but I personally don't think it has anything to do with that. Mostly because the incident was my fault. I was a stupid, curious kid. My doctor told me she wanted me to do it myself before she could do anything and she's giving me two months to overcome this fear and I haven't gotten one step close to doing it. Even thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I was never bothered by any needs for sex before. I'm not easily aroused and I don't venture to do it either. And even during the moments that I am, I never touch myself there. I'm too terrified, and I can't even explain why. I suppose I'm expecting pain or I just hate the thought of something being inside me.
What I'm asking is if there is a way to overcome this fear by then? She suggested a couple very good psychologists, but I've already had a few in the past that have never really helped and right now, the money situation within my family is pretty bad. I've already talked to my mother and she said there was no way we could afford something like this. Is there anything I can do to overcome this fear or should I just return to my life of abstinence? I actually highly value my solitude, so it's not like living life without sex is really anything too terrible, right?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
Lets talk first about getting you some help. You are 18 and live at home. If your parents are working and their employers have EAP plans, most employers do if they have group health insurance, then you have access to psychological help. Every plan is different as to how many visits is allowed under EAP.
After EAP the medical insurance should kick in if the the therapist supplies the insurance company with a treatment plans and request a specific number of visits. Co-payments may or may not apply depending on you parent insurance plan. While visiting under EAP the therapist bills the EAP plan directly and their should be no money exchanged between you.
Now as to your phobia, yes it is a phobia, concerning sex and having anything inserted in your vagina. Question: Can you or do you use tampons? If you do then your phobia is just that, things that are somehow foreign or seen as dirty or smutty to you. This would be something that would build up over a period of years and could lead back to how strongly your parents were in teaching you about sex and letting anyone touch you before marriage. This is were a good sex therapist comes in. Identifying just what the trigger to your phobia is and redirecting that trigger.
You are not by any means abnormal or crazy. This phobia has a lot to do with how you were raised and possibly a trauma you endured as a young child that you may not consciously remember. Through therapy and trust in the therapist you can and will find out where the problem lies and fix it if you want to.
The key phrases here are; trust in the therapist and wanting to fix things. Keep in mind anything you speak about with your therapist stays with the therapist. Even in progress notes to the insurance companies therapist speak in general terms not specific. Your confidentiality is never violated. Even in legal proceedings courts are very reluctant and almost always refuse to order medical records released. That is how confidential medical records are.
If your parents employer have an EAP plan, have mom or dad check with their employers as this is something many people don't even know they have available. If they do have an EAP program call one of them and speak with a referral counselor. Here again your confidentiality is never broken. You tell them what you need and they will find someone near you.
Then make an appointment to see the therapist and as hard as it is to do; be open and honest with the therapist.
By the way there is nothing wrong with masturbation. According to a recent survey 85% of us do so, including married couples. Masturbation is also part of sexual foreplay though then it is called mutual masturbation where one partner masturbates the other.
]
Hi there! Well the physical fact is that a human could in fact live a long and healthy life without ever having sex. But a healthy girl of 18 is going to be missing out on a great deal of lifes pleasures if she vows never to have sex. True, you'll avoid many of the troubles and anxieties too. But it's a big price to pay. And of course, no children. Reading through your comments there's a huge cause-and-effect circle that I think is your way of rationalising and justifying your 'no sex for me' mindset. For example, you're not aroused easily, so you don't touch yoursef...maps straight on to 'you don't get aroused easily BECAUSE you don't touch yourself.' And so on. Valuing solitude is no vice. I do myself, also highly. But we should not become obsessive about it, or try and use it to justify a situation which is forced upon us. Choosing solitude is very different from having solitude imposed upon us, is it not? With such a strong reaction to even the thought of sex the situation sounds what you call 'phobic' rather than an irrational and 'phantom' fear that you can be reasoned, talked and coaxed out of easily. You seem reconciled to the middle school event you mention. Normally something you have faced-up to and accepted loses much of it's power. It is the unacknowledged events which we even try to 'hide from ourselves' as it were that can create the strongest reactions. Strong BECAUSE they reside in the subconscious mind, beyond probing with logic and reason. Am I making any sense to you? So, phobias are NOT trivial, are very real, and seem able to resist attacks from logic and all the higher intellectual processes. They are more basic and elemental. They are capable of acting as brake on both what we feel and what we do. Being told, or telling yourself to 'Pull yourself together girl!' is not likely to yield instant (any?) results! I'm waffling in on, cos I'm digging a bit deep here...still awake?? OK...you have, for some reason a hugely negative response to the idea of sex. A step in overcoming phobias is often building, and then attaching positive responses to the object in question. So that the mind associates sex with 'good stuff'.Can you think of any positives about sex then? And bit by bit insinuate them into the act. It's hard to go much further on what I've got and with no feedback. A young girl will often worry badly about being penetrated first time. You'll find a million posts here on this very subject! But mostly they get through it fine. They find the advantages (physically very enjoyable sensations, a feeling of closeness, pair-bond forming...basically they find sex is a really life-affirming and enjoyable pastime. These good feelings are then firmly associated with sex. Is this why rape is so vile, and so damaging mentally to a woman? Feelings of violation, fear, humiliation, hurt...all become associated with sex? Try and find some personal positives you feel might arise from sex with the right guy. You'll want to feel close...it doesn't get closer than inside you. You're ALLOWING him inside, it's not intrusive or violent or unwanted in any way. It's not 'something inside you' against your will. Hope I've given you a few things to think about. There's not a magic wand for this one I'm afraid, not a definitive answer. Best wishes.
]
More Questions: |