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Sharing whole truths about a traumatic past situation
Hi, I appreciate your reply to my question. Thank you kindly! It encouraged me to register & to contact you privately.
I really got almost everything you said & believe it to be so. I was a little lost within the last couple of sentences & wondered if you wouldn't mind explaining in a different way please?
Take care
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hi there. thanks for your reply. My concluding sentences referred to the 'unchngeability' if you like of past events. The only way these events can hurt you again is if you allow them to impact negatively on your current circumstances. They will only be the barrier you are fearing between you and your new partner if you allow them to be, if you allow them to drive in that wedge. By Jung's thinking, the prize we are pursuing is self-acceptance. The knowledge that, yes this is part of who and what I am. It is beyond change. I accept this. But the future is mine to make or spoil as I choose. At any point in our lives we are to some extent the sum of every decision we have ever made, every experience we have been subject to. And in a week, a month or ten years from now this will also be the case. So shouldn't we begin making choices NOW that we hope will put us in a good position? Possibly a very long-winded way I'm saying we MUST move on, always forwards. Focus now on reaching this point of complete acceptance. Sharing the situation as it stands, still an unresolved 'open-wound' in you as it were, is perhaps unlikely to produce the closure you are seeking. Once you are fully reconciled to it, then it will be robbed of much of it's sting. Then, when you're confident that this 'bomb' is safe would probably be a better time to confide fully in your partner. The desire for complete truth and honesty just sing-out in your original question. Feelings of guilt and shame likewise. It suggests that you feel keeping it dark is perhaps adding to you perceived 'sin' (not used literally, I have no religious convictions or belief in 'sin'). This is a natural repsonse, but not really valid. Think of it as protecting him, those you care for and yourself from that that bomb until you can hand it off, safe and defused. When you've 'handled it' you have every right to ask and expect others to. If it's any further help, Jung suggested the first step in defusing these bombs is to be like a detective, and keep returning in your mind to the 'crime-scene'. Each time try to gather some new fact, some fresh evidence, some further knowledge and self-knowledge. Be rational, methodical and a little detached...the crime is over and done now, just not yet 'solved'. Concentrate on the present though, and try to avoid prematurely thinking the war is already won. Celebrate every little victory as a day-by-day process. You'll get there. Finally, I'll be quite clear. By 'acceptance' I am NOT advocating a life-policy of 'Lay down and take all the crap I get dealt'. Stay strong, strive for what you want & need. But failing to accept a situation which is now, and possibly always was beyond your control WILL keep you in an extremely damaging mindset known as 'victim mentality. I've waffled-on enough already, but believe me this will hold you back and defeat you in a million different ways if you don't let it go. My very best wishes. CJ-B
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