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Suicidal over math and not feeling smart enough
19/F
First of all, thank you from whom is reading this. I'm in my sophomore year at a community college. The only thing i'm good at is being naturally pretty, athletic, artistic and a great writer. But what good does that get me?! Nothing. There's no writing jobs unless I write a famous book like Harry Potter, or paint something like Picasso. Otherwise i'll make no-money the rest of my life. I failed my trig math course last semester. In high school I didn't take trig or pass geometry. I now found out when I get to college to get any degree I want, you need to know calculus. How can I manage to take calc or even precalc, when I can't even pass a simple algebra and trig course?! In high school I got a 850 on my sats. I'm so naturally stupid. I just feel like i'm wasting my moms money going to college. I'm not smart enough, i'm that part of the population that shouldn't live because i'm not smart enough to benefit society. I just feel like a waste of human flesh, yeah im pretty but pretty doesn't pay the bils. My boyfriends going to be a doctor and I don't want to depend on him. I just feel like shit and I hate talking about school with him because he and I both know hes smarter and I just hate feeling so insignificant all the damn time. In two years i'm suppose to somehow find a job? This is crazy i'm going to end up becoming a manager of some retail store like Kohls or something because I wasn't smart enough to do anything with my life. I just wish I could find a great career without math because it literally ruins my life. It's not like memorization of words, that's easy. Math is never the same damn problem and its ridiculous. I hate it, and I hate myself. It makes me so suicidal but I don't think I'd have the courage to do it.
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You sound like my son at your age. He had trouble with math as well. It wasn't that he was stupid, which is one of a select few words I really dislike. No one is stupid they just have trouble learning in the manner things are taught.
My son went into the Army. In Basic training he found out he wasn't stupid that he actually could learn some really tough stuff. His Commanding Officer told me at Graduation from Basic Training that he missed being the honor graduate because of low PT scores. His academic scores were the highest in his platoon. I was shocked and actually asked if we were talking about my son who all through school just got by with minimum grades. He was talking about my son.
You see in the military no one fails, they can't fail or they can die in a war zone. The military has learned how to teach people in different manners. Once they found out what was the best way for my son to learn something they taught him how to do so.
He was the Honor graduate from his advanced training school and he was the Honor graduate from every class he has taken since including being on the Deans list all through college. He is now a firefighter/Paramedic, heavy math requirements for the course to be a paramedic. He is very good at his job as both a firefighter and a paramedic. There are many people from children to adults who are alive today because my son answered their call for medical assistance.
So I will not accept the fact that you think you are stupid. You do not need to join the military. You just need to find away to learn differently then how you are being taught. I suggest you contact some of these learning centers. They are very good at finding the best method of teaching you what you need to learn. Once you find out how to learn, learning becomes easier and fun.
Just a side note. There are jobs for writers writing things such as technical manuals and other things. You do not have to be a writer of books to use your writing talents. Who do you think writes the copy for advertisements, commercials, copy for news readers. Writers do that's who. IF you want to write I suggest you look into courses such as Journalism where math is not a big requirement of the course.
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Pretty and athletic qualities, and your strengths and interests are arts and literature. That's not a bad starting point, so don't knock yourself down. Comparing yourself to a guy who is more naturally numerically 'clever' is not a level playing field really is it? Before you break your neck trying to hammer calculus into your brain, let's try a different angle. How about playing to your strengths? Great painter wanted, or successful author required aren't job opportunities you'll see advertised, true. But many challenging and interesting careers are a real possibility. Media comes instantly to mind. Articulate, communicative, creative. I could write reams about this, and give a thousand examples...but let me take a different line. Is it possible that you're feeling under pressure to compete with your partner, or be more like him? Has something made you feel that only a technically-based degree is worth having? Is it about wanting to be his equal? I tend to think you are his equal...but in a different field. Looking ahead...purely hypothetical I know. Wouldn't your doctor husband love to see his pretty and fit and creative wife ENJOYING her life as say, a fashion journalist...maybe even editor? Working for a publishing house? Graphic designer? Working in advertising? Would the fact that his salary might be higher than yours be a problem for either of you? Might be worth thinking about. We can, by sheer force of will make ourselves good at things we have no interest in, or even positively dislike. But it can be a bit of a hollow victory. The realisation later, that you've spent a great and precious part of your life making yourself good at something you don't even like can TRULY make your life seem worthless. An expensive car and a bigger house really won't seem a fair trade for what you've lost. You're artistic...look at the bigger picture. Focus on the things you're getting right, not the ones you're getting wrong.
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