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Confused about my sexuality
I'm a junior in high school and my entire life I've only been into guys. I have never felt an attraction to a girl no matter how long and close I was with her. However, recently I feel like I might have a crush on a very tomboyish girl. It's her masculinity that attracts me to her and her feminine side turns me off. I don't like the thought of boobs and a vagina, but then again, I don't really think much about the penis either. I've never had sex, but I've had boyfriends. I don't think I'll ever like a girl aside from her again. I've only ever had the occasional girl crush, nothing sexual. I don't even know if what I feel towards her is sexual, but I would like to kiss her and touch her.... Am I just curious? Am I bisexual? Is it that I just happen to find butch women hot and that I've never encountered one before? I'm so confused. :/ If a guy touches me I feel all shy and stuff, but a girl it's completely different(as in I don't feel anything, except for when it's her)...Gahh, what's going on?
Oh, I live in a very conservative country in a strict Christian school...we don't have gay people here (or any that are out). Are we born gay? None of my friends really have a problem with it, but I don't think any of my friends are actually gay. How can I tell if she has feelings too? She's a very naturally touchy kind of person....also, I'm pretty sure if I confess to her I will ruin our friendship.
Oh, and just for clarification: I am not interested in a relationship, just experimenting at most. Also, I'm confused about why bisexual people would choose to be with a person of the same gender if they could avoid so much pain and judgment just by being "straight."
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Incidentally, the same thing happened to me when I was about your age. In junior year, it was just a curious, innocent thing. I saw a very pretty girl, (I was kind of a tomboy then) and wanted to do with her what you want to do with the masculine girl at your school. She and I never spoke. The next year, the same thing happened with a more mannish girl, except we became very close. Then she abruptly started ignoring me and it broke my heart. This was when I realized that I was, indeed, bisexual. Obviously, I'm over it now. But what I'm trying to say is this; you may be curious, you may be bisexual, or you might even be gay. The only person who can know for sure is you. If you don't want a relationship with this girl, but you want to have physical contact with her, you could just want to poke at the boundaries of living a christian lifestyle. A lot of girls I know do the same thing. You could also just have another girl crush. But since you're older, you feel more than admiration. You feel a curious lingering sensation when you see her. Do you look forward to seeing her every day? If the answer is yes, maybe you are bisexual, but you prefer to be with men.
Which brings up my answer to your question; the reason we don't choose to live the "easy" way, (by being with a person of the opposite gender in order to avoid public scrutiny and judgement) is because we don't care what the public says. Gay people no longer care, so why should bisexuals? Also, you can't control who you fall in love with. Whether it be a man or a woman, you can't ignore the feeling no matter how hard you try. Which is why people go through that awkward "coming out" stage. They could have just buried it for years and not told anyone, but they couldn't ignore the way they felt towards the same gender. When you loved a boy, could you pretend you didn't? Could you ignore your thoughts about him and focus on someone else? I know I can't. In addition, some of us are born gay. Some of us became gay much later in life. And there are even a few pathetic some that pretend to be gay for their own vain and selfish reasons. You decide if what you're feeling is easy to ignore or not. Then you'll have your answer.
I hope I helped. Good luck :)
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