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Chronic Depression
Since I was 14, I've been depressed. I'm now 20 and it hasn't subsided. I was diagnosed as Bipolar II a year ago and I'm now on wellbutrin and lithium. It does seem to help a little, I am very happy sometimes. But I constantly feel guilty about stuff I did in the past, or how I spoke to someone recently, etc.. I get upset over small things and have numerous crying spells every week. I'm seeing a therapist now but I don't know if she knows the extent of how I'm feeling. I don't know how to convey my thoughts without sounding retarded or psychotic. Another thing, I'm always thinking about killing myself or other people who've pissed me off. I can't talk to her about that. I tried with another therapist and they threw me in a hospital. Men I used to be in a relationship with, who've done me wrong, have no idea that I have homicidal thoughts about them on a day to day basis. I'm tired of being like this. I'm tired of being angry and sad and guilty, and I'm tired of mistreating my friends and family but I'm so easily annoyed, I'm always snapping. Most importantly, I'm just tired of being like this over nothing. Nothing traumatic has happened in my life to upset me this much. Nothing huge, anyway. Just a few traitors and liars and schemers. Just a lot of people that did little things to me, but the little things pile up until I can't even see the details anymore, all I see is a wall of anger and hurt. How do I make it stop? Can anyone relate?
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Solidadvise4teens says it all.... get help and be honest. I'm an RN and I know you feel crazy but you can't get the help you need if you don't tell the professionals what you feel. And a hospital stay in a good facility with a good emotional health department is crutial to make sure you get your medications adjusted correctly.
Thanks for your response. I'm not a psych professional and I've never worked on psych but I have been a patient on an emotional health unit. I was diagnosed with severe depression, suicidal ideations, OCD related to sexual addiction and history of sexual abuse... I'm not trying to make this about me. I just want you to know that I've been in a place where I felt very unstable. So tell me about your two previous stays.... Do you feel that it was benificial? Were you able to be totally honest about how you feel? Are you on any kind of suicide watch where you've signed a contract to contact a friend if you feel like harming yourself or do your parents and loved ones keep all knives and other potentially harmful objects locked away for you to use only under supervision? What are you doing to protect yourself and others right now? Please make a vow to at least call the suicide hotline if you feel like doing anything to hurt yourself or anyone else. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
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I need to be blunt with you and I'm doing so to save you a world of pain and trouble later. I'm bipolar myself and know that the feelings you have of wanting to kill anyone no matter what they may have done is cause for alarm.
It's not normal thinking at all and psychotic to be sure. The only reason you have been in a hospital with your illness is because you absolutely needed to be there because you were unwell and of harm to yourself or others.
The crying spells aren't normal either, same with irritability and those who you think are scheming against you probably aren't. It's all part of your illness and what it makes you think.
I have to be honest with you. You are headed towards crisis. The only way to avoid a hospital stay at this point is to stop fooling yourself and realize you have a problem here that is adversely affecting life and health and that your thinking and actions right now aren't sound.
When it comes to a therapist they cannot do the job that is meant for a psychiatrist and put you on the right medication. If your medication isn't working you have to be 100% open about that to the doctor or you'll never be well. If they challenge you to do something you don't want to do it for your health.
You are wasting your time and your doctor's by not being truthful about your condition, thoughts, desire to harm those or kill those who harmed you etc. You can't be free of this without telling them. If you need hospitalization it's a temporary thing until you are well. Don't be scared of it.
As far as sounding psychotic which you are experiencing or "retarded" believe me you aren't as they've heard and seen it all. You need to be truthful and tell the therapist directly what you feel no matter what.
If you can't do that head to the hospital ER and tell them what's going on and get assessed. You have to do this and have no choice. It will get 100% worse over time if you don't.
You don't see it as most bipolar people won't but right now you're pretty sick and if left untreated you can slide back into mania again and full-out crisis. Look at these warning signs and get help now rather than in a crisis situation where you have no choice. What you need is a long rest and chance to sort this out. Nobody likes hospitals but they keep you safe. Work with the doctor and do what they ask and you'll stay well after this. Let me know what happens. While I haven't had the same thoughts I've been bipolar and in crisis so I do care.
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