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Jealousy, Insecurity, I know the issues but not what to do
20/f For the most part I'm very happy and have a great life. I can get easily upset
and overreact in certain situations but overall, I'm mentally stable and have a great life. I do have inattentive adhd, however, and I'm sure it very much causes my overreacting and worrying, etc. The thing is, I don't often get depressed about things that are actually happening but I can get VERY worried about the future. The other thing is, the main source of my anxiety is matters regarding my social life. I rarely get worrisome over schoolwork, etc. The anxiety almost always correlates with my social life. I'm an extremely kind, considerate person and easy to interact with and people really do like me. Now that I'm in college I have a good amount of friends, thank god. I'm not shy or awkward but very polite and professional and I can also be very guarded when I don't know people so well. This is the way I've been since pre-school and honestly don't know if it's something I can change. Maybe this stems from my self-esteem issues that have gotten better but that I still continue to have.
I'm really not socially inept, though, I'm witty, kind, and social and I think people realize this more as they get to know me. People do like spending time with me and share personal things about themselves with me, as I do many times with them. My friends love most of my qualities. I'm also VERY introspective (product of my adhd) and enjoy spending a lot of time alone. I think this is one of the things that makes me insecure, as most kids my age love being around friends all the time and while I like being alone a part of me feels lonely sometimes and I desperately want a group of close, close friends that I can always be around, which I do have somewhat but not entirely. It’s a big gray area.
As a young child I had only a couple of friends and then I became friends with these two girls in middle school whom I was very close with but they were my only friends and insane bullies, complete weirdos now. Stopping talking to them was almost like a divorce and I remember the intense anxiety I had about this as a mere 8th grader. This forced me to start off clean in high school and over the 4 years I had huge issues fitting into the cliques and finding a group for me. College was much better, but there are times where I still feel like a stray individual rather than part of a group, which I absolutely HATE because it makes me feel like a loser and like no one loves me. This is the irrational part of my brain speaking mostly, because it's not nearly as bad as my worried, anxious thoughts imagine. I'll get anxious and then hang out with people and it'll go away but it always comes back eventually. and why is it that I desire to be a part of a group so much? I try SO hard to accept myself which I do in many ways but self-esteem continues to be a problem no matter how much I reassure myself and I have no idea why.
I just moved into college for junior year and it seems as though within the first day everyone has dove into seeing each other and going out at night, none of which I've gotten to do yet. Last night, I stayed in my apartment all alone because my mom dropped me off and my roommate (who is a very close friend) went out with her main group of friends and then stayed over her boyfriend's. I felt like a loser. inferior. Why don't I have a group like that? Why was I all by myself last night? Another related problem is my HUGE issue with jealousy. I get jealous of other peoples' relationships with each other mainly. Sometimes, other things tie in like looks, smarts, talent, etc. I did a lot of self-analysis over the summer and realized that my whole life I've been envious of the relationship between my parents. They're NEVER affectionate towards one another in front of me or other people but they are always on the same team no matter what. This has been worse in the past though. My mom will side with my dad even if he's wrong. When I was 12 I had huge anger issues and my parents sent me to a therapist. The problem was very much my dad's emotional and anger issues but of course the entire thing was blamed on me. Of course my mom couldn't stand by her daughter's side in any of those situations. My parents also never fight. I think it's because of my mom's absolute reverence of my dad despite the fact he can be a little hard to deal with sometimes, she never got angry with him but always with me! They're also very shy and secretive with my brother and me; guarded in a way, and never talk about things that are controversial or scandalous (sex, partying, their past, family issues, and many other touchy things). They’re also very difficult about listening to me vent about personal issues like this and stop at nothing to be insensitive or make things awkward.
My brother and I are cool in our own ways but we're kind of an awkward family when I think about it. My parents are wonderful and not abusive or anything, I'm just trying to paint a picture of my jealousy and my family dynamic and how it possibly contributes to the way I am now. I'm also trying to reflect the side of me that is angry and emotional and sensitive. Most of my friends see my opposite side and not this one. But anyway, I also felt like I was on a team alone against my parents who have one another. I've just always felt alone in many ways and now that I've cultivated this college lifestyle that's much better in that regard, I'm always reaching for more to make it get even better and get anxious that it won't get better or it'll get worse.
When I see people I like bonding with other people, it makes me ragingly jealous. When other people whom I'm already jealous of get talked about in a positive way, it makes me anxious and jealous. I also get anxious when I have to start new chapters, now for example, with starting a new semester. Once things lock in, I feel way more comfortable but why can't I just be happy/comfortable at the start? Many times, I just feel out of the loop, uncool, and socially inadequate, but most of the time irrationally so.
This post is a perfect example of my over-thinking as I've already been spending about an hour on this. When I type these kinds of things I get really hyper-focused and heated and can't stop even to go to the bathroom, when with anything else I get distracted and stop every 2 minutes.
I've never had a boyfriend or any physical or sexual experiences with guys other than just kissing a guy once or twice drunkenly at parties. No guys go after me, no one hits on me, I don't get asked out and I'm not ugly, just a bit overweight which I'm very insecure about. I guess I don't know how to flirt or seem too serious? I don't know. Maybe I'm not pretty enough after all. I try soooooooo hard to be confident because that's what's attractive but I guess it doesn't work. My brother has never had a girlfriend either and he was in the popular crowd in school and he's not bad-looking either. I can tell he's somewhat insecure too.
It makes me feel bad that my other girlfriends are having flings with guys or are in relationships. I'm jealous of them to say the least. I just don't know how to fix any of these issues. I don't feel like it's truly me to be guarded and independent. I want a snug, tight group and people to always hang out with and males who are interested in me. I want people to love and to be loved. I don't want to be jealous or anxious at all. I'm very anxious right now for what this semester has in store. I know people will say you just "need to relax" and "not worry" but that's waayyyyy easier said than done. I guess I can psycho-analyze myself well but I’d love to get to psychological core of why I am the way I am and what I can do. I’m not a professional and my psychological knowledge only stems so far. Any thoughts or advice would be enormously appreciated.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
When I was in college, I knew this attractive, popular girl. One day, she, some friends, and I were talking at school and depression was brought up. She started talking about her struggles with depression. Another attractive, together, involved girl that I certainly had a crush on started talking about her depression and anxiety, too. It surprised me.
The point of that little anecdote is that I'm fairly certain that we all struggle in similar ways. We all have things that we have to deal with as individuals that make us feel like we're on the outside looking in or at least the majority of us do. Maybe you can find comfort in knowing that just about everyone knows that feeling, so in that, you're the opposite of alone. This feeling is universal.
I wouldn't consider myself unattractive, but I didn't have a physical relationship until I was 21. So don't feel too bad about that. I didn't think really anyone found me attractive, but I learned later on that a number of people had a crush on me in high school, they were just involved with someone else or too nervous to say anything.
As for why you feel jealous and afraid of new situations, I don't know. I suppose it could be because people get anxious about the unknown. In a new situation, it's only instinct when you're on guard and bracing for the unexpected. We always fear the unknown. It's only human. There's the rare person that can do it all without a care in the world, but that person is rare.
And as for being jealous, some people just are. Maybe it's from lack of positive reinforcement. Maybe when you see someone get recognition, on some level it's like they're saying that you aren't as good or that you don't accomplish anything because you don't hear it said about you.
And as far as accomplishments go, they don't go far. Being kind and considerate holds much more value than accomplishments. I mean, if someone paints a great painting, but they're a jerk about it, they're still a jerk. Sure, there's a nice painting that the person did floating around somewhere, but at the end of the day, they're still an asshole. I guess my point is consideration goes really far when it comes to someone's character. Keep that in mind the next time you start to feel jealous of someone else's accomplishments.
I think I touched on everything. If I didn't and you think it would help to talk to me about things I didn't address, you know where to find me.
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