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My boyfriend doesn't want to get married, and I understand his reasons, but I still want to... Should I insist?
I've been contemplating over this for a long time and I can't seem to come to a conclusion. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I love him very much, and I'm happy with him.
However, we have a huge issue over marriage. We got engaged almost two years ago New Years eve. We talked about it and decided we were going to get married a few years in the future.
He had told me that he didn't believe in marriage when we first started dating but I put it aside and thought, well, if he loves me I'm sure in the future he will change his mind.
Well not exactly, he says that he will marry me because he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he does not believe in it. He believes that marriage is unnecessary and a waste of money. He says he doesn't need a piece of paper to be committed to me.
While I understand where he's coming from, I want to have a wedding. I've always dreamed about my dress and the ceremony and having my family all there. He understands its important to me but he's so bitter about it.
Part of me is thinking well he loves me enough to go against his beliefs so there's nothing wrong with getting married. The other part of me is thinking, It's supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life and am I going to be thinking "he doesn't want to be here right now, he doesn't want to do this." I have talked to him about it and it always turns into an argument. I'm convinced that the way he feels about marriage is because of his Mother. She has had two failed marriages and he has seen her go through a bad divorce.
Personally, I do not care for his Mother, she is a very difficult person to live with and she married her last husband for his health insurance. So of course when he see's his own Mother marrying someone for health insurance I can understand why he would have a bitterness towards marriage. However, he has always told me that we should never base our relationship on other people, we do what is best for us. And as far as I'm concerned, marriage is what you make it.
His Mother decided to treat it like it meant nothing so that's how he treats it. I'm trying to decide what to do. Is it okay to go through with it because I know his love is sincere or is it not enough to overcome?
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It sounds like he has some major commitment issues. Yes, he's been with you for a long time so that's not the problem, but saying that he doesn't need a piece of paper to be committed is a complete cop out. Have you talked to him about his mom? That's probably a conversation that you should have with him. People that are in love and have been together for awhile get married, it's the normal thing to do. He owes you more than a few lame excuses and mixed signals. Why would he have proposed to you if he didn't want to marry you? Isn't an engagement a promise to become married? If he really didn't want to get married, he shouldn't have done that. You're probably right about what the problem is, but the tricky part now is trying to solve it. Don't cave in to what he wants. It's dangerous to not get married if you're going to be spending the rest of your life with someone. If you start mixing money or something happens to one of the two of you, there could be serious legal repercussions. People that are gay want to have the right to get married for a reason. Not only this, but he could up and leave you without consequence 10 years down the road. That's just not fair to you. A marriage is necessary to show that you're committed because it actually commits you. You want to be really, really careful with this predicament because if he's being squirly about marriage, there is a chance that he could leave you if you push it too far. My advice to you is to talk to him about his mother. Instead of bringing it up, try to get him to explain to you more deeply why he doesn't want to get married. It's best if he brings it up himself instead of you pinning it on him. He may see that as an attack, especially if it's the truth. Don't push him too hard because he's in a fragile position right now, but you do need to push him. You can't spend the rest of your life with someone that can't commit to you. He can't just get by with saying that he's committed because the reality is that he's not. The point of marriage is to become truly committed and have something bind you besides your word, which can be broken. Another thing to consider, however, is that he shouldn't be the only one compromising here. If it would make him feel better if less money was spent on the occasion, you need to work with him on that. You may not get the dream wedding that you want, but you can certainly wear a white dress and have your family there. It doesn't have to cost more than $1,000. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can get him to talk about what the real issue is! :)
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First of all, marriage is NOT just a piece of paper. Even if one puts aside all the romantic, emotional, and (for some people) spiritual aspects of marriage, there are legal reasons why that piece of paper MEANS something. It grants important legal connections like power of attorney, the ability to file taxes jointly, and (as his mother obviously knows) health insurance benefits. If he really is committed to you, he should at least be willing to go through a civil ceremony with a judge. If not, then he's not really committing to you at all, at least not legally.
A wedding is obviously something that is important to you. He should be willing to meet you halfway on this at the very least. A wedding doesn't have to be a huge waste of money; there are ways to celebrate one's marriage on a budget. It is understandable that he might be bitter about the institution of marriage, but if he never planned to go through with it, he had no business getting engaged to you.
Consider carefully whether you want to stay with someone who would deny you something which is as important to you as a wedding ceremony and reception with your family and friends, and what else you might have to give up if you stay with him. I happen to think that a wedding says a lot about whether a couple can make a marriage work - it doesn't matter whether it's a big or small wedding, or even if it's just the two of you in a judge's office; what matters is that you can AGREE on the nature of the wedding and both feel right about it. If you can't come to terms on that, then you probably won't be able to see eye-to-eye on other things either, and your relationship won't survive too much of that sort of thing.
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