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The past is killing our relationship!!
My name is berry and i am 23 , i met a guy from my country on facebook year and half ago and i fell in love with him crazily, though he said that he is with another one whom he committed to, i insisted that he is the one because i saw in him what i didn't see in other men, he tried to tell me to think with my brain not my heart but i said it is ok and i will love him silently , day by day our relationship was getting closer until after a month he said that he loves me, of course we were talking hours online and on phone, he said that is committed to that girl with marriage because he promised her..our relationship was perfect perfect, something that is very pure , beyond imagination and real honest . i told him about my past with a guy who turned out to be his friend , he asked me for honesty and i was very honest and we were ok, i noticed that he cares so much for details and it was very romantic in our relationship but very ugly when it comes to discussing my past.. he is a very loving person, much close to be an angel, he built my personality and he helped me Succeed everything , he showed me all love and happiness in the world and i loved him more and made him even happier..he broke up with the girl he was with because he couldn't live the lie anymore with her then he came from the country where he works in June to the country where i live to propose me .. i cant tell you how much i am nervous or afraid that he did this , i was so nervous because pre marriage relations are forbidden in our society, he asked me to come to a hotel so we can meet together, i was so attracted to him , wanting to do it all , but i couldn't do anything because i want to start right with him after marriage , he left my country and he was ok with it and he said that i respected you even more. i was having a very tough time in collage because it was my senior year and i felt that i neglected him a lot , but it was the biggest pressure in my life , in the beginning of July he asked me to stay alone for three days , i was surprised because he never asked that before but i let him be. then he started changing blaming me for my past accusing me of not loving him much "he has a past with more then one" , he started acting weirdly , not caring of my feelings and he justified that by saying that he has depression and that he will got back to his senses , i was suffering everyday with his discussions , questions about my past , until one day he said that it is better for us not to get marry because he can't handle not thinking about my past. i tried to convince him not to , and whatever happened in the past that i am still a virgin and not much happened comparing to his , it is just that i wanted to start it right with him. he will come to my country soon to "convince" me , well i can't be convinced because he is the love of my life and that our story is much bigger then these minor details , he said that he couldn't stop thinking or comparing with my past , i told him to get a therapist opinion but he said he is not sick..i don't want our relationship to be ruined because of idiot ideas , i need him in my life , he is my soul and breath and i know for sure that he will regret , so how can i convince him not to? how he can forget and conquer the past?i am tortured by the past and i regretted it very much.
p.s : i can't live with him really , he is bigger then life for me
Yemen
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Hey Berry,
I am so sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how tough it must be for you. I also don't have a very nice past, and I know it's embarrassing to share your past with your boyfriend. Being honest is indeed crucial in order to have a healthy and successful relationship. But there are limits. The past is the past after all, and it shouldn't be haunting you because your boyfriend wants to know every detail. That's not being nice, that's being too nosy. I gladly share my past with my boyfriend, but again, not every stupid detail which isn't relevant anymore. A true friend doesn't judge you but wants to help you. As you say, your boyfriend used to still care for you even after you told him, that shows that he's nice. I believe the reason it suddenly changed is probably because of his depression. Don't think that he doesn't love you anymore. Maybe he is so depressed that he doesn't think he deserves you anymore because you are so wonderful.
A depressed brain can't think clearly, so I believe the most important thing to focus on in this situation is making sure he gets help. Even if he does end up marrying you, you won't be happy for long if your man is all depressed and doesn't respond to your love.
Relationships are beautiful, but they shouldn't completely rule your life. Just because you love this boy to death, and believe me I know what it feels like, doesn't mean that you have to let him have his way all the time. Just because he wants to know every detail of your past, doesn't mean you have to tell him. I mean, does he share every detail of his past with you? If he truly loves you like he says he does, he will respect your decision to keep some things private.
I know you won't like to hear this, but if this guy can't give you all the love you need and make you happy, then maybe you should find a boy who can. The one thing I've learned from my mistakes is never to settle in a relationship. You deserve the best, so you gotta have the best. It may feel like he's the love of your life, and maybe he is, but if this behavior continues, maybe it's time to move on.
Make sure he gets the help he needs, and one day he'll love you for that.
Good luck and I hope everything turns out alright :)
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