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really stressed about everything want to know how to make it better
14/f sooo im really freaking out in my head because im so confused what to do with my life right now. basically my life sucks at the moment. now sure whats going on with my friends they are i guess ignoring me and i dont know why, thats not why im so confused though. my parents are divorced and have been for 2 years. my dad is a very stubborn narrow minded person that im pretty sure is a narc, at least thats what my mom says about him. from the very beginning when they got divorced when i was 12, or even when they were separated when i was 11 thats when it started. i tried my best being an older sister to my younger brother who is two years younger than i. i wasnt even thinking about myself i felt so bad for him. and so my dad would try to put me in the middle for me to go back and forth constant time and time again, and i hated it. my mom would yell at me from the time i was 11 about he is not allowed to do this and he is supposed to contact me, i agreed with her so i decided to give it a try and tell him that isnt allowed to do this time and time and again. the stress that it put on me going back and forth was so much that it affected me in every which possible way. i am a tough girl, funny, smart, independent, social, but i started seeing myself as a week person because nothing was going right and maybe i even thought it was my fault. so i started feeling like shit and people started started seeing me in a 360 degree perspective. now i just felt even more like shit beacuse people looked down on me rather than up to, because i had always felt like a leader. so i was getting so fed up with everthing and everyone that i was like dad you NEED to contact her (i said this in person) and he was like no im gonna do that i dont want any contact with her. also when my bday came around in january i dont even think he called me up to say happy bday my bff's dad and her called me up and said happy birthday which i thought was so nice. and i was like really and still am really close to her dad. he was like my second dad, or my dad i never had. he'd always be like i love you, like i was his second daughter. so finally when my dad called i was like oh u wanna go out to dinner ok..u need to ask mom and hes like on the phone then i guess we cant see each other then because im gonna do that. so im like fuck it. then i got even more mad. i decided to not talk to him ever again.(it failed) for 6 months we didnt speak. i sent him a really nasty email that i regret but parts were true, parts i was dumping all my frustration on him. we didnt see each other until I, REPEAT I fucken called that bastard up and wanted to make up. that was last summer. but now im realizing how much the going back fucked me up, socially now i feel like i have to walk on eggshells becuase they woulf both tell me to make sure not to say this or that to my mom or dad. socially, i was probablly the most unfiltered, hilarious, entertaining kid so you can imagine how hard it was to sap my creativity from me like that. i had soo much confidence, and now it just kinda diminshed. grades went down, started getting benched at the sport i was played non stop, started becoming anti social, and eventually depressed. it has created so much physical problems for me and mental issues. i just want all this shit outta my head and into other people's head so they know what im going throuh, i go to therapy, it helps but i feel like im missing something. i want to be me again, its been a struggle for nearly three years. i've tried to push my dad away (well i didnt really have to try he just kinda disapeared at the snap of a finger) by getting angry, but it didnt help. so a few days ago i was like listen (over text) you need to text her about vacation, or when your picking me up and dropping me and john off (my lil bro) mom needs to know an im not going back anymore. and i thought he was gonna be like well then i guess we cant see each other and if he did i was gonna be like fine now some closure, thankyou without the fighting. but he was like ok. but i told him to do it from now on. and im really gonna hold him to it, i told my mom is not gonna give him a hard time about it. and she agrees with me. now back in may my older brother came to visit he usally isnt allowed to come inside because he is on my dads side (when my parents got divorced they had a really messyyyyyyyy divorce with cops and legal shit and restraing orders and everything) and he didnt talk to my older sister either, because she took my mom side, but finally after 3 years of fighting and grudges he was able to let it go and talk it out with my mom and sister and im very happy about that. so im really happy about that. he just wanted his family back, and he was really confused and messed up, like the rest of us but we accepted him. now im like where do i start? i have to become myself again, i want my confidence back, my dignity, and everything. i cant expect to grow relationships with anyone like guys, friends, or family if i dont get it out on the table. i cant love myslef if i have so many flaws i'd like to fix and get off my chest about the way im feeling. when i was myself, the self confident (not self conscious) unfiltered, funny girl, i accepted myself for everything i was. i loved my self, if i said something i didnt mean or made a mistake i would say i made a mistake. but now its very hard to just talk fluently and like before. im stressed about whats going on in my home life that it affects eveything else. its crucial something changes quick and i speak up because my dad does not pay child support (like he could give a shit right?)my mom is only getting unemployment, he is not paying for health insurance anymore, which is really fucked up. my oldest brother is living home, hes almost 30 hes working and makes good money and hes supporting us like hes the dad in our fucked up dysfunctional family. him and my mom and trying to downsize and buy a smaller house in my town to make things easier, and im excited to start over at a new house or a "fresh start", as my mom says. so i need to speak up quick because school is starting again and i want to start over in hs. my other older brother has been craming in my head that freshmen year is the difference between going to a great college with a a scholarship and a crappy school with tons of debt (that is then u need to work hard after that too) so that kinda scared me and i want to get back to my happy place, its cheesy but i dont care i just want to myself again. because right now i feel like a total opposite person of the person i am deep down, it just wont show through. so yeah school is starting soon, and the stress has caused me to get asthma, (not been diagnosed by any of this but im pretty damn sure this is how i got it because of stress) paranoia, a little bit of OCD, due to anxiety and panic attacks and depression, tiredness, fatigue, headaches, hair falling out alot, im skinny but a little blub in abs, emotional eating, (but thank god i dont gain any weight becasue im still growing and i do sports) memory loss, indescisive, antisocial or feel like i need to watch what i say, and im getting a very strange rash on my neck sorta thing on my necks and face, its not really visiable. it tiny, tiny bumps of my skin colors but their a cluster on my neck and their really annoying me. i used exfoliator, creams, vasoline, med creams and med acne creams, never heard of it, never had it, i never get ance let alone my face, and this is not acne because theirs no puss, so im pretty sure this is realted to stress becasue i read that you can "break out" in whatever if you are very stressed. so i want to get my stress of my chest so all this stuff will go away. im really confused if its me, my dad, or my whole family thats making me feel the way im feeling. im going to talk about it at therapy but the sooner the better. so i would get it off my chest but im not good at expressing my feelings so this'll be a challenge and im kinda nervous what they'll say. but ive done this before with my brother and he completley understood and thats when he made up with my mom and sister which is what i was upset about. but my dad, he only thinks about himself and i just dont care anymore its my life and if he honestly doesnt care then i honestly dont care enough to have in my life, because ive tried and tried and tried with him and its really sad that i have to bend over backwards to explain to him that i i love i just want him to do whats right, making me feel like im the fucking parent here. im started to feel like my mom who was married to him for over 25 years and she tried ad tried until finally gave up and said even though i dont have a job and i dont have that much college edu. i can help myslef and my 3 kids, and she worked day and night to help us. but like i said it involved the family taking sides, and cops and all the great shit, kinda similar to how i was really nasty to him in the email, well now i just want him to listen rather than me always listening to his bullshit, becuase im not going to become my mom thats for sure. im currently and never went on any meds because i thought they would give me this false perception that i was happy when i really wasnt and when i went off them i would feel completly the same as went i felt depressed plus the fact that i had to down a bottle of meds for my age was sad as it was. so im doing it by myslef and its hard but im doing it. my therapist is great but im seeing her less because my mom can barely afford it, im only seeing her once every 2 weeks and i used to see her once every week. but i'll live. the thing is that i want to blow of my stress, so i can get my shit together and then i think my confidence will go really up and everything should fall into place. basicalllly i know this is long but if you got what my whole "speech" :) was about then i would much appreciate if you gave some useful advice. thank you
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Did you feel better writing all that down? Sometimes, writing can be a great way to help with stress. When you write you can take all of those complex ideas that are in your head and get them down on paper. You can then look at your problems outside of yourself and sometimes they don't look quite so bad or you may feel silly for having been upset about certain things. Even if it doesn't help right away, it will probably help in time. It gets your ideas out of your head, which should help with your stress. Anyways, you should try starting an online journal - it could help! Another way to reduce stress is exercise. Lots of people exercise in order to ease the stress in their lives. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which are hormones that make you feel happy. No lie! It's pretty awesome. So, try writing your thoughts and feelings out and try exercise. These things should help. Take a deep breath and remember that there are a lot of things in your life that you can't control. The only thing you can control is yourself. As you get older, life will get easier. You'll be able to make more decisions for yourself and this stressful time will only be a distant memory. For now, try to stay relaxed. Good luck! :)
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