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I want to put my entire inlaw family 6 feet under.
I've been with my wife for 12 years now... 6 of which have been living with her parents helping to take care of her father ( who passed away a few years ago ) and now helping her mother and paying bills. I gave up my life in my home state to be with my wife. I haven't seen my father since my wedding 6 years ago.. I have not seen my mother since MOVING HERE. ( quite frankly we are poor ) Ever since I got here I've been an outsider despite my efforts to be nice and do what needs to be done. I have worked hard to fit into their culture and family to no avail. Finally I gave up and just resided myself to trying to stay out of the way and not bother anyone. Not only do I have that going against me but I'm extremely over weight. ( My weight comes from not knowing the dangers of Rice when I move here until it was to late ) Anyways I've always been on the outside looking in no matter what. Some body talks shit about my wife.. I'm not allowed to respond cause of the problems it might cause. Someone talks shit about me? Same thing. Best examples I can give are when my wife's Grand Father passed away they had a microphone set up for anyone who felt the need to say a few things about Herman ( the grandfather ) This man was one of 2 people in this family that NEVER judged me... he welcomed me with open arms and a smile. I felt compelled to say something.... Well later on I hear that one of the daughters and her husband had some pretty mean things to say about me and how I WAS DISRESPECTFUL. I wanted to confront them.. not angry but still talk to them face to face... nope.. wasn't allowed. Just recently my sister-in-law's husband while drunk tried to boast about getting one gun and drawing it on me to confront me about a problem. Of course I wasn't there when he said it. My wife to me about it and quiet honestly I was angry.. I wanted to confront him... nope.. not allowed. IF I did the sister-in-law would take her 5 year old daughter and not let the family see her for a few months... ( which she'll do anyways when she gets into a fight with one of the other family members ) so nope.. not allowed. Never mind if he had said that about my wife she would of hunter his ass down... my brother-in-law would of kicked his ass... and my mother-in-law would of thrown him out on his ass... nope.. I can't say shit. I have been putting up with keeping my mouth shut for TWELVE YEARS. I dedicate half of my income to this house to help pay bills.. I have to buy my own food.. even use a separate outdoor bathroom cause I'm not allowed to use the house one. I'm not the lower rung on the ladder.. I'm not even on the fucking thing!!!! I have been known as the quiet.. laid back kind of guy that can get over everything... however I find myself just building in anger over this last straw.. I glance at my wife and feel nothing but anger....My thoughts have even started turning to inflicting physical harm and even just blind murder rage... how much can one man take? I gave up my life and my family for this?!?!?! I love my wife....but As much as I love her and don;t ever want to leave her.. I sometimes feel if I don;t... I WILL kill someone.. or more.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I know I'm a bit too young to say anything about marriage and in-laws, but you keep saying "not allowed". Nobody took duct tape and put it around your mouth. You have a voice. USE IT. Like my mom always tells me, "Open up your mouth and talk." Tell every single person you have a problem with the TRUTH. The truth does set you free. Some people may not like it but they have to hear it. If they don't want to listen, TOUGH! If your sister-in-law wants to take her daughter away for a few months, TOUGH! Better that than for you to go on a murderous rampage. You get rid of rage by talking. People don't think that it works but it does. Another thing is, why are you helping pay for a house that you can't even use the bathroom in? This is just my opinion, but if I were you, I would talk to my wife and tell her how angry I am towards her family and that it might be best for everyone if we just left and moved away. Why do you have to put a muzzle over your mouth to try and please her family? If I may say so, I don't think her grandfather would be happy to see how the rest of her family treats you. You asked, "How much can one man take" and I say 12 years is long enough. Call a family meeting and talk to that family. Talk to your wife first so she's not caught off-guard. Do not let her change your mind, but just let her know that you can't deal with her family anymore and you are going to say something about it. Her family may get very upset, but that's what happens when you're honest and tell the truth.
I really hope this helped.
~Andrew~
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This reminds me of those nature documentaries where a wasp lays its eggs in a caterpillar. The larvae slowly eat the caterpillar from the inside while it is still alive, eventually killing it and bursting out of its empty body.
If you are giving half of your income to the household, you have a right to use the indoor toilet. Who is telling you you can't use the indoor toilet, or confront people (or at least defend yourself), or make any waves? If that person or persons is being supported by you, they are talking out of turn. What percentage of the total household income are you paying, and where does the other half of your income go? If you are the primary provider for that household, then you deserve the respect that goes with that. Maybe it's time you stopped trying to adapt to their culture and they start adapting to yours to an equitable degree.
Here's the thing: I don't mind someone sacrificing their means or their own desires if that sacrifice is for a worthy outcome. But, in this situation, are these people better off because you have relieved them of some financial burdens but they are ungrateful and disrespectful? Will your continued support lead to their becoming grateful, respectful, and considerate of others? If not, what is the point in continuing to throw resources down that hole?
Maybe it's time to make it clear what you contribute to the household. Mama-in-law like to stay warm? Oh, look who pays the heating bill. MIL like to watch TV? Oh, look who pays the cable and electric bills. MIL like to use the indoor toilet? Oh, look who pays the water bill.
I don't know how helpful any of this is to you, though I think these are some things to think about. It would be good to talk these matters over with someone who doesn't have a vested interest in the household, because you need advice and support on making some serious relational, financial, legal, and logistical matters.
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You need to have a talk with your wife, A serious one.
You start with explaining that your caring for everyone else is taking a toll on you mentally.
Like I tell many people, You cannot give everyone a free ride because sooner or later you will run out of gas. If you are overweight and unhappy then this is where you start. One man cannot take care of others if he is unable to care for himself. Meaning that you are so focused on worrying about others you ran yourself almost on empty. This may be your wife but you are NOT entitled to give your income to help the family. Also, From what you've written above you seem like a guy with a good head on his shoulders. Even the nicest people get thorns in their lives and the way to handle them is to ignore them. I've most certainly had my fair share of ignorant folks and this is why I never get personal. YOU come first before anyone! If you feel the need to work on your appearance then do so and don't ever let something stop you. If you need a break, Take one. When you and your wife have a chance go off for an entire day. The summer is here and it's a great chance to chill out at a beach and just talk. My advice is to come up with a way to move out of the house or set some goals for yourself that you and your wife can do together. You need something to keep your sanity and I would start with you. Also, If the in laws don't allow you to use a bathroom that you pay half of then fuck it don't give them money. That simple
You have the right to voice your opinions in a household. You are helping with the bills therefore this is partly your house too. Seriously, Open your mouth and start talking. Stop living in misery because what happens when people keep silent is anger just builds and builds. Use your freedom of speech.
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