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My mom... I am warning you it's long
Hi! I'm in a situation where I'm not really sure what to do. It has to with my mom. So, let me start off giving you a little bit of background information on her. I am adopted. My parents adopted me the day that I was born, so these are my parents and this is a happy story, not a sad one. However, my parents are divorced. Because of this, my mom and I have been very close. As I was growing up, I told my mother everything. Apparently, this wasn't reciprocated, since she did not tell me that I was adopted. She kept that a secret from me until after the day that I graduated from high school. I am in no way condemning this. There really isn't a right time to tell someone. I am just giving you the background information. Because she had kept this a secret for such a long time, she became obsessive with everything. Back when people had myspace, she would hack into my account and look through my messages. She would sit next to me when I was talking on AIM and see everything I would do. As far as me and how I've acted growing up, I can tell you this. I have NEVER come home drunk. I have never tried one drug in my life. I get good grades and am graduating from college next semester. I don't have a track record of being "bad." So, I really never understood why she did all of these things. But, she told me later on that it was because she was afraid someone would tell me I was adopted and that I would find out in the wrong way.
That being said, she hasn't been going on my facebook and stuff like that and she doesn't know my passwords. But, she is manifesting the same behaviors in other ways. For one, she is obsessed with me being PERFECT, and by being perfect, I mean, looking perfect. She tells me that I have to wear hair extensions and has convinced me that without them, I am ugly. She is obsessed with me getting manicures and pedicures. Last week or so, I had a lot a lot of tests. I was so happy when I found out I had gotten an 97 on an exam that I thought I wasn't going to do so well in because I had so many exams going on at the same time. So, I tell her, "I'm so happy, Mom. I got a 97!" and her response was: "All you do is get A's and you never do your nails." I do understand the importance of looking groomed and nice, but I had 3 midterm exams and this is a summer semester, which means that it goes by very quickly and it is a lot of material to be tested on. So, I didn't have time to sit down and have a manicure.
Every semester, due to the several scholarships that I have, I get back a lot of money. This is the only money that I have for the entire semester, because, due to the fact that my department of study does not allow it's students to work. Last semester, I only got back $2,000, which is less than what I usually get ($3000). I am VERY fortunate to have this scholarship since my department does not allow it's students to work. Last semester, my Mom asked me to give her $1,900 and told me it was an emergency. The emergency was that she needed to pay backed up taxes and insurance money. I just wish she would have told me beforehand that she was going to use my money, because I was only left with $100 for the entire semester. And yes, this is MY money. I work for it because I need to maintain at least a 3.5 GPA to keep it. For the summer, I only got $500 back, because it's summer. They do not offer all the scholarships over the summer. Guess what? I got an invoice from my credit card saying that I owed over $200. I couldn't recall what I had bought. I never use my credit card. Only in rare emergencies. It is a student credit card and the limit is like $800. So, it's not like I'm going to make these huge purchases with it. Apparently, my mom had been using the credit card regularly this month to buy shoes.
I still live with my mom, and my grandparents. I strive to help to keep this house clean and as less messy as possible. Every time I have gotten a chance I have invested in intense organizing and cleaning. They have made A MESS of my room. Sometimes, my school books are missing. My closet has other people's clothes thrown in it. My desk is full of more clothes that my mom buys on a daily basis. She does not work, and therefore, she believes it is okay to spend the day shopping... with my credit card. I am getting VERY tired of seeing shoes thrown on the floor, of my books getting lost. I am tired of being told that extensions are the only way I look pretty. I am tired of having to stay in the library till late studying because I can't study at home. I feel at a loss of air looking around my room. I can't even find clothes for me to wear on a daily basis because of the mess in my room... that they created.
I am starting a new job. This is going to be very relevant to my career. The salary is great! My mom is already talking about how I need to purchase two gym memberships for me and for her, how now that I'll have a job, I can pay for all my credit card bills... which she used. Now... I understand that she's my mom, and that through my childhood, she paid a lot of things for me. The difference here is that she knew exactly what she was paying for when i was a kid and gave the authorization to pay it. Am I being unreasonable? I really want to move out, which I can afford now. But, am I being unreasonable in being angry with her?
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I think I have read this question before. If not from you then from someone with the very same problem as you.
As a parent I did the job I am required to do as a parent in raising my child and seeing to it he become a law abiding responsible adult. As a parent that is all I want or should expect in return for everything or anything I do or have done for him. Being adopted places no special need upon you in any way to pay mom back for adopting you. You like any other child are a parents special gift. You are maybe more special since they chose you.
Your mother is entirely wrong taking money from you and running up your credit car without your permission and without the means to pay for what she charged. If your mother is physically able to work and chooses not to then she has a problem; she should not be your dependant. Children are their parents dependants not the other way around when the parent is physically capable of working. If mom has a medical reason precluding her from working then she should avail herself of the programs available to the disabled.
As for the intrusion into you space and privacy. That is wrong too. There is not much you can do about intruding into your space. It is your grandparents house. The stealing of your text books, I have no idea why she would do that but that is wrong as well. Intruding into your privacy is also very wrong. You're an adult know and entitled to your privacy just as she is. As to you deportment and appearance. Mark that up to her being mom and you being very pretty.
My advice is: Since you can afford to move out now that you do so. Cancel any credit card she has a copy of. Close any bank accounts, checking or savings mom has access to or is signatory too as well. Apply for new credit cards in your name only and open new bank accounts in your name only. You might consider a different bank, one where mom isn't known.
As much as you may feel it is your responsibility to support you mom; it is not your responsibility to do so. When you move out I;m sure she will have a00a and one reason you should stay and things you need to do for her monetarily. Don't do them. Find your own apartment, without telling mom your doing so. If need be furnish it from second hand and thrifts stores and save up for furniture you want to replace the thrift store purchase with.
When your ready to move out do so. Yes there will be some theatrics from mom but do not be deterred. Your an adult know responsible for your own life and entitled to it. So grab the straw and go enjoy life and the fruits of your education.
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I don't think you're being unreasonable. The scholarship money is yours, allocated especially to you and depends on your grades. I think that your mother using this money is financial abuse. Likewise, the money you will potentially earn from your new job is yours, for you to do with as YOU choose. If you chose to give your money to a donkey sanctuary in India, so be it. It is yours.
Moving on from the position where your mother thinks that your money is at her disposal to a situation where you use your money how you choose, independently, is going to be very hard.
Her habit of spending your money as and when she wishes i of s deeply ingrained, I think it may be connected to her earlier behaviour of checking your messages, she still feels in control of you and your life.
Making a clean break is going to be difficult, especially as you'll probably feel you want to stay close to her and other family members.
First you need to find support; a friend, family member, teacher, therapist, whatever, someone who knows the situation and is known and trusted by the rest of the family.
If the situation goes wrong and communications break down between you and your mother, this person could be the go-between for both sides.
Try to explain to your mum how you feel, that you are never good enough unless you do this or that, how you resent her using your money as her own, how you need to be your own person dealing with your own finance and other affairs, by yourself.
No doubt, she will kick against these changes, but you need to be sdtrong. Keep reassuring her that you love her and you are gratedul for all she's done for you, but you need to stand on your own two feet and be yourself, in your own space.
I do hope this helps, let me know if I can help further?
Best wishes, XX.
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