what should I do with my time considering my situation? just check it out
Question Posted Monday May 7 2012, 10:06 am
Hi if you are reading this please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org- my problem started 3 years ago when I was 23yrs old. all my life I had emotional problems with anger and depression, but in 2009 I became so depressed that I couldn function at work or school or at functions with my friends, I was also having mood swings toward my girlfriend screaming at her and calling her names and saying i never wanted to talk to her again just because she would text me back 15 minutes late sometimes. I also became paranoid and thought people who worked in resteraunts were trying to poison my food. After going through this long enough I completely broke down and stopped going outside and talking to my friends, I stopped going to work without telling my boss why.Ikeep in mind that before this all happens i was a faithful christian who loved God and had strong views on right from wrong. after 6 months I started noticing that I no longer felt anxious paranoid or depressed but I still didn't feel happy or back to my old self either. slowly I started calling old friends back and going back to church. but something was different. I no longer felt the need to be around other people and I no longer felt the need to talk to people. around my friends I became quiet and distanced even when we were hanging out together. though I had went back to church I no longer felt hate and disgust toward the devil and toward sinful behavior. I no longer felt a connection with God or any love for him. when people would tell me crazy stories or when I would see something gruesome on the t.v. or internet it didn't seems horrible to me like it would have in the past.when ever I would try to read my bible or start trying to study old school books from college it would seem useless and pointless.when friends would try to tell me things to encourage me it no longer affected me. it all just felt pointless. I also felt no love or anger toward any of my family members anymore. the people who I loved in the past i didn't love anymore and the people I had anger towards I no longer had anger towards. the first thing I did was leave my religion because I no longer felt love for God and no longer felt remorseful about anything. then I started going to the mall talking to all the girls I could. I now had the ability to approach women without feeling nervous or anxious, because in my mind what they thought about me no longer mattered. the only problem was that I noticed that talking to women was no longer exciting or enjoyable for me and when I finally lost my virginity to a woman the sex didn't even feel as good to me as masturbation had felt just a few months ago when I was still going to church and saving myself till marriage. it was weird. it was like I still felt that sensation in my penis but the mental and emotional pleasure that comes from sex and masturbation was no longer there. and in order to get an erection the woman had to suck me or jack me off. looking at a womans body no longer made me horny and it seemed worthless to try all the sexual positions that I use to fantasize about, it was no longer appealing. I used to be passionate about making beats and writing poetry but that was no longer fun or appealing. my sister had moved to florida a year ago and she was now calling me all the time cause my mom told her what I had gone through but i rarely cared to talk to my sister. I never called her and most of the time didn't pick up the phone when she called, it just seemed pointless to call her and talk. and by the way by this time my mom is constantly saying "u need to see a psychiatrist" but i keep refusing. I nolonger even go to regular doctor appointments for physicals and checkups, I stop going to the cause it all just seems pointless and the idea of getting sick and dieing is still not a good thing to me but trying to prevent it by regularly seeing a doctor no longer seems worth while. after a year of this I finally go to the psychiatrist and tell them about the anxiety and paranoi i faced and about my current symptoms. based on the paranoia anxiety and emotional problems I had at first they diagnosed me with schizoaffetive disorder and prescribed me medication. I keep saying but no I no longer have anxiety and paranoia I fell nothing, no emotion so these pills won't help. but they insist so I have been taking the meds for two years and I still feel no emotion or pleasure or happiness or sadness or anger at all. no matter what happens I don't cry get happy or get angry. life like this is misery because nothing matters in my mind. in my mind life is just a bunch of nothing for a person like me. nothing feels good or pleasurable, nothing catches my eye or sparks a flame of passion in my heart and I can't grow as a person because i have no emotions to help me become a better person as I experience life. no matter what I do or where I go life is the same to me everyday because i still feel no emotion even when Im in a different state with family or friends, even if I go to Cedar Point and get on a roller coaster Even if a pretty woman with big breasts shows me her tits. and the worst thing of all is that no one believes me or understands when I tell them that I feel no emotion and don't get any joy out of life. they think that its just me keeping to myself and not letting myself enjoy life. that is so frustrating, to have a condition that no one believes or understands. I have been thinking about killing myself because I have been telling psychiatrists these symptoms for 2 years and taking medication for 2 years and haven't seen or felt a change. Many times I think, if everything in life is going to feel pointless on bland and uninteresting to me from now and and if I feel no love for God and see no point of going back to him then I am better off dead. I haven't done it yet cause I think i might do it wrong and end up crippled or brain damaged and I still don't really want to die. just seems like there is nothing to live for. so any one reading this please email me a hello or something so I can see what u have to say about it email@example.com
[ Answer this question ] Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category? Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health? Siren_Cytherea answered Monday May 7 2012, 4:12 pm: Hi there. Sorry; I don't usually do e-mail, but I do have a response for you and a couple questions. If you like what I have to say, or would like to speak more in depth with me, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea, or inbox me here, and I'd be more than happy to talk to you. Just so you're aware, I have a psych BA and an in-depth familiarity with quite a few psychotropic medications, but I'm not a doctor.
Schizoaffective disorder sounds like an incorrect diagnosis, even with the paranoia, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with bad diagnosticians. I'm not saying I'm better at it, but it seems to me like the psychiatrists you've gone to are focusing too much on the outlying symptoms, like paranoia and anxiety, that you no longer have, or that are at least intermittent.
Currently, what you're saying is that you feel blank. Numb. Emotionless. Nothing makes you feel good; nothing makes you feel bad.
I don't mean to simplify it, because it's certainly not simple, but that sounds like straight-up depression. Chemical depression, though, not situational. Chemical depression causes a person to have too little feel-good chemicals in their brains. Medications like SSRIs, which focus primarily on the mental symptoms of depression, or SNRIs, which focus on some of the physical symptoms of depression (because depression does indeed cause psychosomatic symptoms), are all well and good when the numbness is the primary symptom, but there's more at play here, and ALL of your symptoms need to be addressed.
You said you used to have mood swings, primarily agitation (anger, anxiety).
Did you ever have trouble sleeping?
Did you ever find yourself with too much energy, or do you find yourself now with much less energy than you used to have?
Have you ever blacked out, or lost hours in your day and not remembered what happened (unrelated to drinking or drugs)?
Do you have a family history of mental illness?
Have you ever seen a therapist?
Have you ever had your thyroid tested? Thyroid dysfunction can easily cause severe depression like this, and depression can lead to anxiety and paranoia. Of course, so can Bipolar disorder.
Don't kill yourself. This doesn't have to be permanent. The fact of the matter is that you're being treated with the wrong medications for your condition. You do have a condition, and it is fixable. What needs to be figured out is - first, what condition you have, because it's clear that hasn't been successfully done yet, and secondly - the best way to treat it. There's some kind of chemical or hormonal deficiency going on here.
I don't mean to pry, but what medication(s) are you on?
If the doctors are treating you for the wrong disorder and you've been on the pills for two years with no improvement, something needs to change. Probably a few things.
But don't lose hope - Some people with very severe mental illness just need the right treatment to get back on their feet. You can do the same.
I understand that you're frustrated. I can sympathize a bit. I have a chronic undiagnosable pain problem for which I've seen... what, I think ten different specialists. I have an inch and a half-thick book of various tests I've gone through and treatments I've tried. As far as any doctor can tell I'm completely normal, except for this pain that won't go away.
Pain may be there for the rest of my life, but you won't be this way forever. You just need the right doctor, the right diagnosis, and the right medications. And possibly the right therapist, if you're open to it. Just having someone to talk to can help a surprising amount.
Hang in there for now. Message me any time if you like. If you choose not to, at least consider what I've had to say. Go to your psychiatrist and tell them that you're not getting any better and you're sick of being this way. Stand up for yourself. :)
I wish you luck, patience, and strength.
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