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I Feel Lost
I feel so lost. Most of my life I stayed strong through all the crap I've gone through. Being homeless about 3 times, being verbally, Mentally, Emotionally and Physically abused, being put into a crazy hospital 3 times before I was 17, moving all the time, abandonment,ect. I've always been strong and had my emotions in check. Lately... I feel like I have no control over my emotions, thoughts, or anything. Sometimes I feel like a complete Psychopath even thought I know I'm not crazy. I've been tested multiple times. I've been diagnosed with a depressive disorder, and anxiety. Lately, I cry for no reason, I feel hopeless and I'm afraid of the future, I feel suicidal at times. I'm a complete mess. I know this isn't me. While it's happening, in the back of my mind I'm wondering why am I acting like this? What's wrong with me? But When it happens I can't can't stop feeling sad,crying, or anything like that. Is everything I've been through and the current stress just finally getting to me? Am I finally going crazy? I just want to get an outside prospective on this and maybe get advice on how to help myself. I already see a counselor and my family doesn't really listen to me. Please help me.
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Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I'm a survivor of abuse, too, and that I recognize your description. I have a degree in psychology, but I am far from being a doctor.
First things first, you are absolutely not crazy, and you're definitely not a psychopath. Psychcopathy is a clinical deficit of empathy. That is, there's an actual chemical deficit in their brain that causes them not to feel certain things. Sounds like you have an overload of emotions, not a deficit!
Second, I think your diagnosis is wrong, or at least lacking. With all the abuse you endured, I'd bet you're looking at a good solid case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
I'm so sorry that you've been through so much.
I know it may not feel like this is the case, but things WILL get better. Time heals all wounds.
I read that you have a counselor, but have you seen a psychiatrist? That is, someone who can prescribe medications to help you through this? You might even be able to get medicinal help from your family doctor. Doctors will sometimes prescribe anxiolytics (anti-anxiety meds) or even antidepressants to help you cope while you're using talk therapy to really work through your problems. It's impossible to think straight when you can't even sort out your emotions.
There's no stigma related to taking these kinds of medications. It doesn't mean you're crazy, or there's anything wrong with you. The fact of the matter is that you need some help, and that's okay.
I was strong and held my emotions in check, just like you. Then, five months following my trauma, the PTSD set in and I would have entire days where I spent every fifteen minutes crying, and every time I thought I had a handle on it, I had another crying spell. One time I woke up at 5 in the morning after a nightmare, and had a 12-hour anxiety attack. I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and eventually, things started to be under my control again.
The best thing you can do is make an appointment with your doctor and talk about what's been going on. Get yourself the help you need, with or without your family's support, if you're over 18.
If you need further suggestions or just someone to talk to who can sympathize a little, my AIM screen name is SirenCytherea.
Hang in there, and get the help you need. Things will get better.
Siren
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It sounds like you just need a good friend. Who are you close with? As weird as it sounds, sometimes getting a job, meeting people at church, joining a club, volunteering at the library or animal shelter, really helps someone get back on track. And that way you can meet some really good people. Plus if you get a job, you'll have some money to support yourself. Nothing is wrong with you. Everyone goes through depression and rough times. You need to talk to people. There are also online support groups.
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