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trying to fix relationship
I recently got a tattoo done, without telling my boyfriend or asking him for permission. We've been dating for a year but he never had a problem with me getting a tattoo he never said I can't get it but now he doesn't want to be with me anymore because he says I lied to him and I let another man touch me, its really stupid what he's doing because I have apologised many times but he doesn't want to forgive me. I'm trying to make things right I even said I'll remove the tattoo but he's being so stubborn. What do I do? I really love him a lot and I want him in my life because he means a lot to me. How do I get him to forgive me? I don't want to lose him.
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Hi there,
I don't know what is going on in your boyfriend's head, but I am going to take a guess, which might also reflect what would be going on in mine if this happened in my relationship.
First thing would be to try and understand that he may not even be able to put into words or properly define exactly why he is upset, and so he is just plain mad because he doesn't know how to deal.
I have had this happen in my own life. Sometimes it is a while before you can really explain why it caused you such pain. Surely you have had this experience, right? You are upset, and you make it a much bigger deal than it is... simply because you don't yet understand why you are in pain... you just know you are in pain.
So, having had something similar happen to me, but not tattoo related, just the principal of the thing, you understand... I would like to tell you how it worked out for me.
Sometimes in a relationship, the other person will make assumptions about what their partner is ok with, then act on that assumption.
The assumption is wrong.
Because there was no communication, the damage is done.
This isn't about a tattoo, this is about communication and trust.
Sure, it is YOUR body, absolutely!
But when you do something with your body... that makes you COMPLETELY DISGUSTING to your partner, you have to deal with the consequences. You see what I mean?
Your body, your tattoo. However, you can't expect your boyfriend to be ok with this. Why should he be?
Just like it is your body, it is his mind... just like you have the RIGHT to get inked...
... he has the RIGHT to be completely disgusted by this action.
An example:
What do you like about your boyfriend, physically?
What would COMPLETELY DIGUST you if he went and did it?
Penile piercings? Getting "horns" implanted under the skin of his forehead? Tattoo of satan on his face?
How about he suddenly gains 300 pounds?
Did you tell him he couldn't do any of these things? See you are using, as an excuse, the fact that he never specifically told you NOT to get a tattoo. So you are blaming him, and basically saying that he wasn't controlling enough. Kind of funny when I put it that way, isn't it?
At the same time, if he showed up and had done something I mentioned, or something else you find revolting... then blamed you, because you never TOLD him he couldn't get satan on his face... how would you react?
You would dump him, and that would be the end of it, right?
Why? Because, while it may be his body... YOU have to look at it. So when he makes decisions that alter who he is... it becomes your issue too, if you are in a relationship with him.
Now, the other part of this is something else completely:
If he got a tattoo penile region, and it was done by the single hottest woman on earth, AND he didn't tell you about it, but let you discover all this after he had done it...
... how would you react?
Right. Not so fun when someone else is getting inked in tender places by the opposite sex, is it? :-(
Do you now understand why removing the tattoo isn't going to fix things? Because he has no way of knowing what else you might do in the future.
I have had the experience where your partner's little things turn into big things, and they use the same excuse: "Well you didn't say I couldn't do X, so I did it!"
How happy would you be if your boyfriend sat down and made a list of 100,000 things you can't do? Well guess what:
With that excuse you used, this is his only choice in order to be with you. Otherwise, you will do whatever you want, and say you did it because he didn't have a rule against it. :-(
You see, a relationship is a partnership. If you want to be in one, then you BOTH need to be grown up enough to discuss ANYTHING that is going to effect your relationship like this.
If you really want to fix this, you need to understand what I have written here, and change the way you look at life. It isn't about "what can I get away with because nobody told me I couldn't do it?"
... but, instead, you have to look at every, and I mean EVERY decision when you are in a relationship as: "Will this make my relationship with my partner better or worse?"
So, looking at things that way:
Do you think that going, in secret, to another man and paying him money to touch you intimately... so that he can put a tattoo your boyfriend will find disgusting is going to make your relationship better... or worse?
Now, before you get mad at your boyfriend, ask yourself if you made the right decision in this case.
I also suggest you let him read this answer to your question and see if it doesn't help him to explain his feelings to you better.
If you really want to save this relationship, counseling wouldn't be a bad idea.
You wrote here that what he is doing is really stupid... do you still feel that way?
Is it more stupid than having some random dude put a forever mark on you that makes your boyfriend so grossed out he can't look at you anymore?
There is enough stupid to go around here.
You both have some growing up to do, and I would strongly suggest you get into couples counseling.
I hope you two are able to work this out.
Good luck to you both.
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You and your boyfriend need to have a serious talk, I don't know how old you are but you seem like you are in a proper relationship, and if so you and your boyfriend should realise that you are perfectly allowed to make your own descions. If you want to get a tattoo, then get one! It's more of your parents choice, not your boyfriends. Also, a tattoo man would be perfectly professional, nothing sexual would have happened, and if your boyfriend is jealous of somebody in that sense and now he's getting angry because you 'lied' then I don't really think he is worth your time. Have a talk about how you're independant and he can not control your life in that sense.
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