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he's messaging other girls.
my boyfriend and i of 2 years (i'm 20 and he's 23) have had this problem before. going into a relationship with him, i kind of expected this to happen (he's in a local popular band, he's extremely good looking, tattoos, etc., so girls eat him up and from his past he's told me about he didn't mind the girls so much either).
well the first time, i saw he was texting an ex of his. from what i could see of scattered conversation, he must've sent a photo of his face on time because she commented on how he looked sad and he said he just woke up (ALSO, we live together, so he had to have been doing this right after waking up next to me. i think that's kind of messed up). he also one time sent her a close up picture of him in his cat shorts (it's a joke amongst our group of friends, there these funny shorts he'll wear sometimes) so it's not like a crotch shot or anything, just a close up of the pants and a bit of his leg, but still, why send that to her? and there was also a message about getting together to drink sometime, i cannot recall if he mentioned it or her but i remember the other agreeing anyways, so it still bothers me. well this eventually came up in the air and he just calmly explained he did not think it was that big of a deal, he doesn't think of things like that being bad and shady and he didn't even plan on getting drinks with her, he was just saying that to be nice. now, my boyfriend does for the most part have some lack-of-common-sense innocence about him at times, so i kind of brushed it under the rug and took it as he really was just being dumb about it.
but then, monthssss later, i got curious in seeing if he was still being dumb, and checked his facebook which is bad i know, but still. i got curious and found a conversation between him and this girl that basically conisted of him asking for boobs pics, he'd send photos of himself, she asked him to come over (though it said she lived in canada, so?), etc. i got so upset, shaking, crying that i just ran downstairs and outside and he ran out after asking what was wrong, where all i could do was yell at him to go upstairs and answer her back. he looked confused and went upstairs and just came down and started going on about how embarassing it was, that was an old conversation back from the days when he was kind of a manwhore, blahblah, he swears it was old. i rebuttled that there was no year in the date of the conversation, like how normally if it was the past years, it'd say november 8th, 2011, august 10th, 2010, etc. it just said september 2nd which means it was current, this month. he came back and said he re-added her (i checked his facebook, they became friends a couple months before this conversation, i have no idea if they were facebook friends previously like he said) so it just brought back up the old conversation, he doesn't know why there was no 2011 or older on it. once again, i let it slide, feeling stupid for freaking out. though i did go through old conversations of my own and if it was 2011 or older, it did say that. so in my gut i feel like he might be lying, but when i was still upset about it days later and couldn't stop thinking about it he got mad at me and told me he's said all he could say about it so he doesn't know what i want him to do. so i just shrugged it off.
NOW, this is once again months upon months later cause at this point we've exchanged "i love you"s for months now and we've never said that to anybody before, and i know for him that's something meaningful and he means it because he's had a bad past and issues with trust of his own with women, and he wouldn't say it if he doesn't mean it. but anyways. i just checked and he had nothing in his actual messages, but i went to his archives and there was about 15 "hi"'s to a bunch of different girls. most didn't respond, but the ones that did, some said that he'd have to text them tomorrow, they were going to bed (and there was no number in these conversations so already had it, im assuming?), he called one girl doll and she called him babe and gorgeous man and she talked about her maybe going on a jog in the woods somewhere and she wasn't sure if she'd be allowed and he replied with that she probably would, he's been there before nobody seemed to mind (which was a harmless comment until he said:) but you're pretty anyways so i'm sure they won't mind watching you jog. some girls sent him their number and there was no reponse on his part unless deleted, but now i WHO KNOWS if he has it, if he just texts those ones. not me and it's extremely unsettling.
like these conversations aren't horrific, but still if we've had spouts over this in the past and he knows it upsets me, you think he'd stop even bothering to conversate with girls (and these girls are the kind he always says are sluts and just stupid people he wouldn't bother to talk with). but the "babe" and "doll" comments bother me cause right after i read these i was just sitting near him in a room and he kept calling me "doll" and it was just grossing me out.
then this morning i was texting someone and he made a comment about it being another man and i was kidding and hinting and said,"yeah, he's a "GORGEOUS MAN"." and he got mad and said girls have done that to him before (he always goes on about how he knows if a girls being shady, so he's gotten mad at my actions before even though i tell him who all my guy friends are and i don't even talk to any of them anymore cause it bothers him, my boyfriend's paranoid).
do i have reason to be upset? suspecting? i feel like i somewhat do, but i just feel so dumb, whenever i confront him and he just makes it seem like it's no big deal. in my head it seems so much more than that. i just think if he's been cheated on (i know he would never pyshically cheat on me) multiple times and he knows what looks shady, etc. then he should know that what i think he's doing looks shady and that he should respect that and stop messaging girls.
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I kind of agree with the first adviser but I do differ on the fact of whether you should be suspicious about if he's cheating or not. when a guy is talking to other girls and gets upset with you for talking to other guys but defends himself while he does the exact same thing, that's a hallmark indicator of cheating. That doesn't mean he is cheating, but i would just keep that in mind. But I do agree with the fact that if you can't see him talking to girls without cheating on you, then he isn't the one. Jealousy is normal because he's your guy and you don't want those girls slobbering all over him but there's simply always going to be girls that don't respect the boundaries of a relationship. Instead of worrying about them, just stick to deciding how well you know him and whether you honestly think he would step out on you or not. I hope everything turns out all right for you! good luck
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After reading ALL of this, I can only see three things your guy has done.
One. He has maintained a civil friendship with an ex girlfriend.
Two. While in a relationship with you, he got bored online, said hi, and and chatted with people who happen to female about entirely harmless things, including the kind of tame compliments that it's nice for one human being to offer another.
Three. He might be a bit of hypocrite if it was you doing similar harmless things with guys.
Do have reason to be upset? Yes. IF he wont acknowledge these sorts of conversations are normal and healthy AND accept that you'll have similar conversations with other people - who might be male people - then his hypocrisy should be upsetting. But instead of being upset, you should just do what he is doing, and have respectful friendships with the opposite sex anyways, instead of denying yourself the basic human need of 'having friends' because it ticks off your immature boyfriend.
Should you suspecting him of cheating? Based on what you've said here, no. You have a habit of over-reacting big time. What's worse, it is seems to be you, not just him, who is struggling to make room for friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex in your lives. You are both being shady, because you are both trying to pretend that you aren't grown up enough to have friendships with members of the opposite sex without it somehow leading to cheating.
That's incredibly immature, and destructive, and it's not true either.
If you don't think he's grown up enough to have conversations with other woman without wanting to cheat - then dump him. If you don't think that of him, then respect his friendships and his right to speak to whom he chooses.
And demand the same for yourself, and your friends.
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