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****How can I recover from severe internet addiction?****
I know this is really long but please give me chance, I've literally like hit rock bottom
I've been addicted since I was about 8 or 9 years old. I'm 18 now. I've basically grown up on the internet. It's caused me to miss a lot of things most kids do I guess, like socially, and as a result of that my social skills aren't the best. it's easy for me to make friends on the internet, but in real life for some reason i'm unable to keep friends.. like we meet and things are great as we start to get to know each other, and then they stop wanting to really hang out with me. it's happened so many times. i'm not bad, boring, or etc. i'm just socially awkward, and it just hurts when people do that. but I don't know, i never ask people to hang out (especially at my house) cause the idea of it freaks me out and I don't know what to do and i overplan and stuff. and it's even worse cause it's affected my grades negatively. yeah i know a bunch of stuff from the internet, and in many ways it's improved my knowledge, but through doing this, i procrastinate heavily. the stresses of teenage life have just made the procrasination worse as i try to hide from all my problems on the internet, to be happy. and when i cant access the computer (in my house, not like away from home) it drives me kind of crazy. my mom wants to start limiting access to the computer but it's too late, it just drives me crazy, i can't take the stress of that and the stress of real life because then i have no outlet for my stress and it just, ugh. i wish i was better at maintaining relationships, and i wish i wasn't afraid of intimacy, and potentially getting hurt. but at the same time i dont want to give up the internet completely, i just want to have power over my use of it, like i could spend all day online (just did today) and you know, it's just pathetic. i havent even applied to any college cause i didnt think any college would want me. i only did a few clubs throughout high school, and i had time to do many others but didnt for some reason. im now a senior and i just have to fix this up. this isnt how i imagined myself to be. i want to get up to my PhD and make a difference in the world. how can i not have applied anywhere? its so embarassing. i dont even talk about this to anyone cause i feel like nobody would want to be my friend any better when they realize all the faults i've caused in my life. i've been so self destructive. some days i just feel like tearing myself apart and burying myself in a hole and putting it in fire,cause i've done so many bad things and i dont know how to recover. i'm a perfectionist and an idealist and i join clubs and then i fail at them (by not doing the work) and then the teacher hates me and then i just feel so shameful I just avoid them (this has happened twice), and same with 2 of my hard classes. it's not like i cant do the work. im actually very smart and do very well when i really focus, but i just waste so much time online and it's only gotten worse these past 2 years when i moved to a new town and it's even harder to make friends. i literally have no friends in my grade, only acquaintances. the only 'friends' i have are freshmen, and im a senior. it's so embarassing. i have never even been to a high school dance cause of the anxiety. i cant even go at my new school cause who would i even hang out with? i have a crush on a guy but ive never been in anything close to a relationship so that just freaks me out, because i get the feeling he likes me back, but would he still like me if he knew the real me, since i hide so much of my pain from others? pain i've caused myself.. why did I join those clubs and pick the hardest classes if I wasnt going to put in all the work? its like i see myself differently from what i've been achieving lately. it's so lazy and it's just been a mess. and idk what to do cause my parents dont understand at all cause they didn't grow up in america and etc with internet too, so they cant relate at all.my mom just makes everything worse.o h my god she just like drives to piss me off sometimes, and she somehow thinks its helping. like things got so bad that i didnt clean my room for like 5 months and it was crazy messy. i just get myself to do anything, i was mentally blocked. im not suicidal but i've thought about suicide and its never the right answer cause i'm religious and i dont want to go to hell, or give up on life. i want to become better but idk how cause it feels like it's too late cause im graduating in a couple months (if i can even graduate cause of how i've f***ed things up. i have to do a MOUNTAIN of make up work. even worse than last year, and i thought i'd get better over the summer, and drop this nasty habit, but no) and i just feel like a giant failure cause i was supposed to have fun in high school and go to parties, be with friends, etc but no I just screwed everything and I just resort to the internet for a semblance of solace. i spend a lot of my time listening to music, on forums, etc. so much time on music, god, music is like my best friend, but that's just not ok. please help
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I can see you can relate to others really well through the internet,this is a conversation you should be having with a friend face to face,give your computer away,go out!face life!the world is out there outside!!there's no reason to be scared of!You are so young and full of possibilities in life,are you in a wheel chair?(not to say I don't respect the disabled,please don't get me wrong)you have a lot of skills!take advantage o your computer skills,study something related to computers,I don't know,but don't make it your best friend 'cause it won't please you in everything as people would do.Start making friends,it's not that difficult,do you smell or something?do you bite?come on!!go for it!and talk to your new crush!!Hon,don't expect others to do things for you,cause nobody will,as the saying goes'The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'If you feel anxiety all the time when you are not on the web,then maybe you should talk with a therapist,there's nothing wrong with that,I myself have a shrink and she helps me a lot,they're maybe withdrawal symptons,don't do this anymore,you are worth it;)
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