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It all makes me want to hurt myself.
f/17
My freshman year, my best friend attempted suicide. At the time, my friends and I had just begun getting used to his empty, yet nonetheless terrifying threat. However, one night he and I got into a heated argument and he told me to watch and regret not ever being with him and hung up. Later that morning, I woke up to learn he'd overdosed on tylenol and was in the hospital.
The events that followed that consisted of our entire friend group being torn apart and my boyfriend leaving me, because he claimed I made all the lives around me miserable and that the suicide attempt was evident of the misery i cause. He didn't mean it, just like my best friend didn't mean it the night he blamed me, but it still hurt.
Three years later, and that boy who held me responsible for his mental instability continues to message me, trying to rekindle our friendship every six to eight months or so, and it always ends up in a horrible falling through.
Tonight, I ended contact with him, once again, and I can't help but feel so completely overwhelmed and angry with myself. He tells me he knows me and knows that I love him. But him knowing that only means he knows that when he hurts me, I'll always forgive him. There's something disconcerting and disgusting feeling about that. When I fight with him, like tonight, I get so frustrated, I feel like crying. I throw things and want to scream. I get so mad at myself for so many reasons, I'm not sure where to start. I'll go into the shower and cry for hours, the entire time, wishing I could cut. I picture large gashes in my thighs and on my arms and cry even harder, begging that i could get some release. But then I realize that that would only cause harm to the people around me, because it would make my pain visible and make me no better than him. So then I feel sick to my stomach, because I don't know how else to feel and puke. Over and over and over again, until my throat burns, my body trembles, my eyes water, and my stomach lining begins to bleed. The blood is when I generally figure I should stop and I always end up just going back to my dorm room and go to sleep.
Everything lately make me want to do things to myself, and I don't quite know what to do. I haven't hurt myself yet, but sometimes I feel as though that's the only way for me to ever finally find release and obtain some sense of resolve or peace. I want to punish myself for being the way i am. I feel like I deserve it.
The thing is, I know I shouldn't feel this way. But I do. And, I don't particularly know what to do about it. I'm not suicidal, but a lot of times, specifically when I'm frustrated and hurt, I feel like hurting myself. I feel like breaking things. Sometimes, i ram myself against furniture, although most of the time I scream (into a pillow) and bawl for hours at a time over things I'm not even sure what of. I just know I feel as though there's something disgusting inside of me, a feeling of utter discontentment, of contempt, and of overwhelming disappointment. And, I just don't know what to do.
Please help.
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Hi, honey. I'm your age, so I know how you feel on all this.
As someone who has succumb to the urges of hurting themselves, let me start off by saying do NOT dabble with that. It's an addicting way of relief and can be very dangerous. The scars I have will never fade and are present for all the world to see. My family, friends and boyfriend beg me to stop. It's scary to know at any moment you could end your life without meaning to.
I was also recently put in a "mental health hospital" for cutting and suicide and was so terrified and scared to be there that I had to beg to be let out the next day. All of this because I gave in.
Don't do it. It may be hard, trust me, but try to think about something else. Find another way to let all those built up feelings out. I've yet to find a way to yet. The thoughts are nagging and loud, I know. Make yourself busy any way you can, even if you don't feel you have the energy to do anything at all. If you're moving and keeping your mind off whatever shit is plaguing you, then the darkness will fade away. Every time I feel I've failed or hurt someone I love, especially my boyfriend, I turn to that and hate myself even more after. It helps in a way, I suppose, but what comes after isn't worth the gash.
If that doesn't work, talk to someone seriously about getting therapy. Since taking it myself, after every session...I someone feel better, y'know? Just saying it and getting it out to someone so it isn't alone inside me anymore. You may need to try that! If they can think of ways to help, they may request you to be admitted--inpatient or outpatient wise--or give you medication. Either way, there is ALWAYS help for anyone. You're not alone and you're too strong to let this shit take you.
Hope I help in someway <3
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:(. i'm so sorry what you are going through. I truly understand how you feel and have been in the same thought process, many times. i'm 23. when i was in high-school from my 8th year till when i was a freshman in college, i was suicidal. One thing that helped me was writing and talking with a therapist that i liked. cause trust me i went through a few till i had one that actually opened my eyes more and would listen when i expressed my feelings.
I understand how it is when you talk to a boy that you know you should not talk with and then you blame yourself for making that stupid mistake. trust me i had this ex/ex bf back in the day that i always ran back to and really you just have to surround yourself with friends and family. you should go on walks and run, get your mind off the people that you know you shouldn't talk to. I also understand having that hate for yourself. i used to never understand why i was here and what the point was of me and i would just feel like i always screwed thing up and i hated myself. do things that make you happy, art,write, exercise, go out with friends, smoke some maryj if you have to but don't ever fall into the pattern of hardcore drugs and alc. they only make things worse. sometimes there not much you can do but just live. thats how i feel life is...
Being 23 now i am so surprised about how i was then and look at life now. Everyone and i mean everyone, has their own story/ problems, and sometime you have to just accept life for what it is, life is about questions and why why why. but all you can do is just live and, live it happily if you can. when you hurt yourself, your only making your thoughts worse by feeling guilt for what you have done. You only learn that later though. the release feeling can be addicting but do not let it take your life away. life is really hard at your age range. i hated myself so much when i was your age but i kept pushing myself. you have to just keep your head up as much as you can and live.
I find that when you don't worry and get sad, don't think about how much life sucks and all and are just living and doing things to occupy your time with, that things do get easier and you start to accept life better. and also some good things just happen without you least expecting it. i believe everything happens for a reason.
you need to completely delete everything about that boy, you already expressed on here how he makes you feel. if he makes you suffer that much and feel the way you do then honestly hun there is absolutely no reason for you to talk to him.
sorry for such a long response but i hope this helps in some way. and if you need anything ever, you are welcome to send me a message.
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