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I want to win a contest!
Ok so I have to write an essay about being catholic in todays world and I just finished it and want to know want any of you think because I want some feedback thanks.
Prince Guatama Siddharta once said, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.” He means that our thoughts are changing the world all the time. When thoughts are spoken they become a reality. They either improve or destroy us for a period of time. Though when stuff changes us positively or negatively we still keep our faith and hope. Whether we're Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or Buddhist it doesn't matter. We still keep our faith close to us.
Being a young Catholic is very helpful. Being a teen and discovering who you are is very difficult. People around you constantly change as you are yourself. To me knowing that you have God and Jesus support me threw my hardships, makes me feel comfortable being who I am and what path I choose in life.
They've helped me a lot threw out my life, so I should pay them back for being so great to me. I go to church every Sunday, I pray to them for guidance, and be kind and accepting to everyone I see. I do this because God and Jesus love everybody and don't bring hate. I want to bring the compassion and acceptance that they bring to each individual Catholic on Earth.
The world is changing dramatically everyday. No matter what happens I still keep my Catholic faith and live for Christ by following my religion everyday. I will do all these things until the day I see Jesus and God for the first time. Then I'll know all my good acts for them will really pay off.
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This is very nice, I like where you are going with it but personally I must say, there is some wording you do need to change. I have a perfection issue, I edit and perfect my own work before I even think about having somebody else read it.
Something I find in essays is when you use reference to yourself, you lose points instead of gaining them like you intended. My teacher always tells the class to NEVER use the word I in formal writing like what you are doing right now. At the same time I would not use phrases like 'To me' or 'We' because it gives a personal incite to it. Also, from experience of writing essays, I would add more to it. Find facts and proof. Here is a form you can use for an opening paragraph, I use it all the time:
Introduction
- an opening sentence to capture the interest of the reader while setting parameters (boundaries)
Three subtopics or statements
- this gives 3 main things you will be looking at so 1. for you would be about how Catholicism has helped many young teenagers.
Thesis
- put something along the lines of Therefore, though it may be difficult, being a Catholic living in today's world is extremely hopeful (or any other word you would like to place there)
Then all you have to do is follow up on that with a paragraph for each statement. The beginning for each paragraph should have a linking sentence then just write from your heart, only using factual statements.
I truly hope you do well in your contest!
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I'm being truly honest and this is a well written paper. You said that you wanted feedback so this is what I have to say.
over and over Ive seen you spell the word through wrong. You spelled it threw as in like your throwing a ball. Its NOT threw its through.
In the 1st paragraph you say Though when stuff changes us positively or negatively we still keep our faith and hope. I think you should re-word it as Even though stuff both inside and outside of our lives change either in a positive or a negative way we still keep our faith.
in the sentence that says Whether we're Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or Buddhist it doesn't matter. We still keep our faith close to us. I think after Whether we're Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or Buddhist it doesn't matter instead of a period you should have a comma to combine the 2 sentences.
In the 2nd paragraph where you say People around you constantly change as you are yourself. I thing you should say People including myself change.
Where you say I do this because God and Jesus love everybody and don't bring hate. I think you should say I do this because God and Jesus loves everyone and don't hate anyone.
Over all this is a well written paper. I just said what I did because those are what I think. Make sure you read all of it and make changes that you want. Because i am telling you this does not mean that you have to follow. This is just suppose to help you with your paper.
Hope I helped.
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