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I need help deciding what to do with my relationship.
I'm 19/f. My boyfriend is 18/m. I've been trying for about a month now to decide what to do with my relationship. I've gone back and forth about it so many times that my minds just GONE concerning the situation. It's gotten to the point where I'm so confused and unhappy that I've been crying every single day. I've been dating this guy for 16 months. We have had our ups and downs, but I really think that our problems are my fault. For starters, I was in a 1-year relationship with someone else right before I met my current boyfriend, and I was unhappy in that relationship, so I broke up with that guy and almost immediately started dating my current boyfriend. I think that jumping into this current relationship was my first mistake. I didn't allow myself any time to recover or soul search after the last relationship, so I really feel like I have lost sight of myself, and who I want to be, almost completely at this point. I've changed to please other people, especially my boyfriend, and I know he's changed to please me. We care about each others feelings so much that we aren't able to be ourselves anymore. We also got really serious really fast. It's to the point now where I feel like I'm trapped in a committment so serious that I basically feel married. I'm not comfortable with that feeling at this point in my life, and I want to be free from it. I feel like I grew up too fast, and I want to go back and see what I missed out on. When my current boyfriend and I first started dating, everything was great. We were super close, could talk to each other for hours, and did lots of fun and spontaneous things. We were together all day, every day for almost all of the year and a half we 've been together. We used to hang out all night until 5am on school nights almost every night because I was just crazy about him. I shut out my friends and everything else in my life and put him first, which was fine for a while, but soon I missed the other parts of life. I told him I needed space. So he granted my wish, and we tried hanging out less, but obviously I had gotten used to having him around all the time and missed that, so I'd call him WHENEVER I had a free moment, and the cycle of being isolated from my social life continued. Now, whenever I hang out with my boyfriend, the atmosphere between us is SO uptight. I act uptight, which makes him act uptight, which makes me act uptight. Being on edge all the time makes us get into plenty of pointless arguements. He never wants to hang out in a group, so I feel held back from so many social situations. It's almost like he wants to smother me and keep me away from everyone else, but not consciously. I don't even know if I can genuinely be happy around him anymore, but he's a really sweet guy, so I always try to be happy because I want it to work out. I want us to be happy together! But another huge problem I have is that my eyes have wandered multiple times during this relationship. I have had feelings for 2 other guys while we've been together, and it's been so bad that I've even admitted it to my boyfriend. I never have physically cheated, but I did seriously think about what it would be like to be with those other guys. My boyfriend stayed with me though, and we worked through it. I have so many questions that I want answers to, like why would I be interested in other guys if I have a boyfriend? Is there something missing in my relationship? Do I just want attention from other guys? Am I just too committed and I don't want to be tied down yet? I just feel like I've been selfish to this guy who has done nothing but treat me well and forgive me for my misbehavior, and I really want to change, because I don't want to hurt him anymore, and if it doesn't work out with him, I don't want these problems to continue over into every relationship I ever have. Another problem is that my boyfriend doesn't have a job right now and he barely graduated high school and hasn't gone to college. I'm very ambitious about my future; I go to school full time and ive already begun my career at the same time. I feel like I have to take control of my boyfriend's life because he's not taking control of it, and I really have tried to help him. I basically have held his hand to try and get him a job and into community college. I printed out all the forms for school for him, and I drove him around town and helped him search online for jobs multiple times. I want to feel more like his girlfriend and less like his mom. I know that it's not his fault that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life yet, and I respect that, and I know times are tough as far as getting a job..but I know what I want to do with my life, and I am making it happen for myself. I want him to be more driven. I don't know what else I can do to encourage him. It's become a problem because I think that our lifestyles are making us grow apart, or at least they will eventually. It's been tough to be the only serious committment in his life, too, because it puts a lot of pressure on me. And he doesn't understand that I have other committments. I really just need someone to tell me which path I should take. I tried taking a break to sort out my feelings. We didn't speak to each other for two days, and I was totally fine with it. At the end of the break, I broke up with him, because I figured that if I could be without him for two days, I'd be able to do it for good. But I quickly relapsed and was throwing rocks at his window two days later, begging him to talk to me. I was crying so much and was so relieved to see him that I kissed him and we got back together. Then we broke up again, an after being on and off for the past week, we're currently together. Meanwhile, my sister's best guy friend has a crush on me, and I ironically had a dream about him that we were more than friends. There is a lot of chemistry between me and him, and we've been talking a LOT, like all day every day, amidst all of these problems with my boyfriend. So now there's basically a love triangle going on, and I'm stuck in that situation too, and it's so confusing. The other guy makes me feel happy and alive for once. I'm developing a crush on him, and he's been the one that I've been thinking about all day every day, not my boyfriend.:( I know it's wrong to think about another guy, and it's so hard for me to even admit it! Whyyyy is it happening?! I don't know why it's happening. I DO NOT want to jump into another relationship though, ever again. I need to figure myself and these problems out first, and I recognize that. I also REALLY care about my boyfriend, and his feelings.. and point of view, so much. He's my entire world; I consider him a part of me, and he has been for such a long time. But I don't feel passionate about him. I love him. Well, I thought that I loved him. He's been my first; I initiated losing my virginity to him. I think I do love him and that I always will, but I'm not 100% sure. I still do have love for him, but if I really loved him, why do I have all these doubts and problems? Can it be fixed? How can I work it out with him? Or is it just hopeless? Thank you so much for reading, and sorry it's long.
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Honestly?
It sounds like you already know what you should do, Sometimes the truth hurts inside but in the end you need to do what is best for YOU not your boyfriend. I learned the hard way from my last relationship that in order to be happy with someone, You need to be happy with yourself first. Judging from what you have written you aren't happy in your relationship. The stress of your boyfriend not having a job is taking a toll, The fact that you are on your way to success is leaning you towards interest in other men because you want something that your boyfriend can't give you at this time. My advice to you is to relax, I think it might be best to just call the relationship off, You stated you didn't talk to for two days and you were okay with it. There is your answer, You need to focus on yourself at this point in your life. Stress and crying all the time isn't going to help you move on and do what you need to do for yourself.
Now there a few options, If you feel you need a break for awhile then sit down and talk to him about it. Tell him that right now you need to get your life on track and clear your head. Call it a two week break and then come and talk again and see where you are. If you two think you can handle it then take it from there.
If you aren't happy, Then you aren't happy. If the whole thing is not manageable then you know what you need to do. Sometimes we need to put ourselves before others in order to succeed. If you think you are better off without him then be honest with him about it and go your separate ways. What you seek may not be what your boyfriend can give you. If you decide to move on I would take it very slow, Don't rush things. Sometimes rushing a relationship is how you end up ruin things. Now my honesty, If I were in your shoes I'd probably move on. A relationship isn't worth tears of unhappiness, You are not entitled to sacrifice your happiness because you have been with him for awhile. Do what makes YOU happy and what is best for YOU. Now to throw it in there, I wouldn't try and remain friends either. Remaining friends with an ex is more stress and drama and rarely does it ever work out. Make the process easier for yourself by cutting contact.
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