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Me :]
Okay, so its me again.
First of all, I forgot to tell you but my ex is moving back to our hometown. (we would be much closer) A downside to that is he is back around all the drugs and people who encourage him to do them.
I went and hung out with him and he’s been pretty normal..except for the other night. His eyes were really glazed over and for some reason I was so sick of getting mad and since I wasn’t dating him. I just knew he was high on pills but didn’t bring it up to him until he started talking about needing life changes. Then I suggested if he started doing the right thing and keeping his nose clean then he would have no reason to feel sad all the time.
Then last night he kept asking questions about what I’ve done since we broke up. I tried avoiding THE question but then he came right out and asked me if I had sex with anyone else. I told him yeah and explained reasons why I did it. But he just got extremely mad and was like, yeah well I fucked someone too. I didn’t freak out because there was no reason I should. I did the same thing. Then he was like “you should have told me” and I explained that I didn’t tell him because it would have been selfish reasons. Like I would have told him to make myself feel better about the whole thing (coming clean) but when it comes down to it…we were broken up for 2 months and theres no reason that was any of his business and telling him would have just caused him pain. But I couldn’t lie so I came clean. He then told me that he had lied about the whole fucking someone else and was just angry. He has no idea with who…which makes me nervous that he will try to find out. But after he calmed down a bit, he kept hugging me and telling me he loved me anyways and everyone makes mistakes. Blah blah blah. Also, when he was mad he was like yeah well I’m back on drugs. Unfortunatly I know this one is true. He came clean about using pills again and even said he started smoking crack again. I felt in the moment like I couldn’t get mad or leave. Its like I felt like I was then trapped to forgive him for his mistake. The only difference is, hes continuing to make his mistake. He isn’t any closer to stopping drugs as he was when I first met him. I know he’s not good for me but I crave the clean him and just keep thinking how much I want to be around him when he is clean.
I feel like I’m on a rollarcoaster honestly. He’s either acting like he really wants me or completely ignoring me. Most of it has to do with drugs I’m sure. But I really am kind of unsure what I want to do. I’m always having second thoughts and wondering if I should pursue anything. Like tonight, he mentioned how upset he was gonna be on new years and that he was just gonna be all alone. So in my mind, I was thinking of asking him if he wanted to do something just with me. Maybe get a hotel room on the beach like we did the previous year. But then I think of how much more this whole thing will hurt when I go back to school if I end up sleeping with him. He isn’t clean and theres nothing I can do. :/ I asked him if he should ask for help from his parents. And then I said but you have to want it. He said he doesn’t want it yet. But then later in the convo talks about rehab. He’s so off and on I never know what he means and what he doesn’t.
I wish sometimes that I didn’t have this strong feelings for him. But I really do. When I’m with him I feel amazing, but I am always craving that steady relationship that he can’t give me. I didn’t mention this before, but both of my brothers are recovering pillheads. They are finally done with that time in their lives and have been clean for longer than 4 years. But looking at them now, they are so set in their lives and really amazing guys. I look at them and think maybe this is why I can’t give up on my ex, because I mean if my brothers became this successful, he can too. But then again, crack is a completely different drug.
I know this is just kind of rambling but its how my thoughts are right now. Thank you so much!!!
Just wondering if you think theres anyway I could save this relationship or if I should just pick myself up and leave(even if it will be extremely hard)
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That is good that he is moving back, closer to where you live at. But your going to be in college, so you probably won't see him as often, unless you don't live on campous. I know the drugs are a big problem in being with him; but you have to understand. There is no point in pressuring him into being clean because it will only happen when he's ready. He can claim up and down he's ready with you insisting him to be, but after its said and done, he'll just go back to his old ways. I know that us being females, we see a stray dog on the side of the road, our automatic reaction is to help it, get it better again. This is what your doing. You want to help him be a better, clean person. Drug-Free. I've had a fair share of guys that I thought I could 'fix' and make better. Like I dated a thug, a gang memeber, someone who was addicted to Herion. I was attracted to these guys that most people thought had 'baggage' just because I felt like I could help them. You can't help/change everyone. Its sad I know, but he's the type you cannot change. He will have to want it. Crack, to me, is one of the worst drugs out there. I've seen what it does to some of my family memebers, and its not pretty.
Well, as far as the whole you guys having sex with different people; I guess you guys are even. But I guarentee more than likely, he has had sex w ith more than just one girl. Which would explain the ignored text messages. You need to figure out when was the last time he had sex, how many girls, ect. He probably even has him a 'girlfriend' or a 'friend with benefits'.
Honestly, I think the only way you could save this relationship, is getting him off of drugs, making him put in effort, and actually treating you like he should; regardless if he's around you, or away from you. A man should always treat a woman he 'loves' with respect and cherish every second he has to talk to her.
I say give it a couple of weeks. See how he does with talking to you when he gets back to school. If he ignores you than leave. Walk away. If he starts making a better effort, than take it slow. It'll come with time.
You need to let him know what your looking for from him, and make sure he sees the same thing. Is he wanting to be with you, or does he still need some time apart? If he needs time apart, ask him why, and how long. If it's longer than 2-4 weeks, and he has a GOOD excuse, than wait. If longer than a month, and/or has a lame excuse, don't wait. Take the hint, and move on.
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