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My partner does not want to have a child with me
Hi there. My partner doesn't want to have a child with me yet. We've been together 3 years and we raise my daughter together (although she isn't his biologically). We met when my daughter was 6 months, she's now 3 and a half. We live together and I would like for Amy (my little un) to have a brother/sister. He doesn't want one yet. Its a problem as he says he doesn't know if he loves me yet. He's a lovely guy, and I'm very happy with him, he's a great dad to my daughter. The thing is, every time he says he's not ready I get cross, why not? He is raising my daughter as his so he's already being a dad. my daughter biological father sadly died in a car crash before she was born so he's the only dad she has known. It makes me sad that he doesnt love me, we've been together 3 years ad he lives with me and I love himn very much, I tell him so. I just dont know what to do, I dont know if I'm being selfish or expecting too much and should give him more time or if I should expect better for myself. Why am i with a man who doesn't love me and doesn't want any children with me? He says he cares for me deeply, I know this is true but its not enough and I'm just getting angrier, i feel used by him and let down. I'm sick of feeling rejected, its not doing me any good. I'm totally lost any advice would be much appreciated :-)
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Your boyfriend may have commitment problems, many men do. It is also not unusual to for a man to become more attached to a woman's child without fully committing to her. Usually the problem is his to workout and all the pushing from her (you) only causes him to be defensive.
The flip side of this problem is that there are unresolved issues between you two and he is staying around for the sake of the child. Another possibility is that there are just some issues that he does not know how to bridge but he is committed to you enough to stay in the relationship as it is.
When he says, "he doesn't know if he loves me yet", I don't think he means it as it sounds. What I think may help you two is counseling to find out just what is wrong, if anything in your relationship.
There may be nothing wrong in your relationship. He may have an unresolved fear which counseling will help. An example would be if he comes from a broken home. He may fear divorce/breaking up and what it would do to your child/children.
Instead of pushing for a commitment ask him how he would feel about counseling to talk to someone who would be able to help you two come together on hopefully a more permanent basis. Tell him you love him and you yearn for the security of marriage. Once you are married then you can talk about having a child with him.
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He does care about you since he is taking care of your daughter. But I believe he's more committed to the child more than he is to you. It's understandable that you're going to be angry everytime he mentions to you that he's not ready. Considering you've been together for 3 years already, he should be thinking about it. I would say to stop asking him for a while and see how he reacts to you. Try other ways of seeking how much he loves you, rather than pressuring him with a child.
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