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Not sure what to do... my dad is becoming a hermit

Question Posted Tuesday September 13 2011, 9:35 pm

My dad has become a hermit.
He never goes out. except when he has to work or to errands. Like doesn't have friends to go out with.
He gets home from work,. goes down stairs and sits infront of the tv. Comes up for supper then goes back down until he goes to bed.
I don't know how to talk to him to make him realize how me and mom are feeling.
She's not happy and says if it doesn't change in 10 yrs she's not gonna be here.

I'm scared for them. I am worried they will get depressed. mom more so than she is.

and the fact my friends and i are talking about moving out next year. with out me here it will become even worse unless dad starts spending more time with us and starts opening up more.

What can i do to help. How can i make my dad realize what he's doing?

i understand you wanna rest after work.. i totally get that. but i feel i don't see him much cuz he's always down stairs and when i ask him to spend time with us he says oh well come downstairs then..

mom doesn't wanna go downstairs cuz it's kinda messy.


[ Answer this question ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?

adviceman49 answered Wednesday September 14 2011, 8:32 am:
This one is hard to answer as you have posed a few questions that need answering first.

For one thing; what is or does mom mean by:"if it doesn't change in 10 yrs." What is significant about 10 years? Do you have a younger sibling still at home?

Next: Is mom a stay at home mom?

There are reasons why I as these questions as it does have some effect on the possible why dad is the way he is and what if anything you can do about it."

The possible why of why dad is the way he is. Dad may get all the intellectual stimulation and people interaction he needs at work. When he comes home all he wants is to relax sit in front of his TV an zone out.

I'm not saying this right or even good for him. It is what he feels he wants and needs. Telling you to come down stairs and watch TV with him is his way of saying "I'm available if you want me."

Dads is not a hermit, he is in his comfort zone and you need to find ways to move him into a zone that is both comfortable for him and you. You say you are moving out next year. If your going to college then get him involved in preparing for moving to college. Shopping for things you need for the dorm. Ask him to make a trip to the College with you and your mother. You want his opinion on the whole college appearance.

It doesn't matter if you do or don't. The object is to move him from in front of the TV. You want family time to talk with him, make plans for vacations, family visits to you at school. If your not going to school then enlist his help to find an apartment. Everything else remains almost the same.

After awhile parents fall into a comfort zone with each other. They don't need to be with each other all the time to know they love each other. I've been married 40 years. I love my wife. We have different tastes in TV shows, so she watches one TV I watch another. We talk to each other, we hug and kiss and we have slept in the same bed with each other almost every night for all of the 40 years. When we didn't it was because I was traveling for work.

I tell you this because what you see and what what you think you see may not be what it appears. This may be something mom and dad have to work out for themselves.

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