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3year Boyfriend:Pushing Physical Stuff. Guys&Girls Answers Welcome!!!
Let me start off by saying that I have been with this guy for just over 3 years.
I really do love him.
I trust him more than I ever have many close people in my life. He is definately one of my best friends. I hate the thought of ending our relationship, but the thought has crept into my mind over this summer.
The problem is, he is pushing our physical relationship more and more. I think he feels left behind because his friends that have been in relationships about the length of ours have all had sex. I was raised in a Christian home..and I've always wanted to wait till marriage. It didn't ever cross my mind to not think that till this past winter. All the sudden I understood his urges..And Its AWFUL to control. Over the summer we went to far. There was touching...and he did some oral stuff with his mouth...and i did the same for him. I actually hated it..I cried for a long time after that.. I tried to explain I wasn't ready..and for most of July I was hateing myself for what I let happen. I couldn't decide..and last weekend I gave in again...and I feel worse than ever because..Even though I want to believe He is the ONE...I'm only 18. I know I dont want to get married this early in my life..but I still have the problems that come with being a teen.
My question is really...what do I do now? I would break my own heart to loose him..but I don't know how to make it clear (for both of us) that we went to far. We tried talking..and he doesn't understand my reasoning for believing we went too far. I dont like the feelings I've got right now...but I want to work this out. I have a really great relationship.. depending on me to make this right. I really do love him...I just need some help..HELP?
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God.
Adviceman! Shut.The.Fuck.Up. with your grandfatherly rape chat. Seriously? Don't tell people when they were raped. People know. You're offensive. And making grand assumptions which indicate a severe lack of reading comprehension.
Questioner.
This isn't really going to work. He does not believe what you believe or think what you think. He did not go too far. You did. It's your principles which were violated and you need to accept that and move on without all the self hatred. Guilt and shame serve no purpose other than to prevent you from actually learning a valuable lesson from the experience.
You know what desire is now. Welcome to the world of adult sexuality. I won't get into the religious part, I'm agnostic and nothing I have to say you want to hear. But you need to accept the fact that you followed a natural impulse for sex and intimacy with someone you loved and accept the fact that you want more and have to live with that desire unsatisfied.
You need to accept the fact that you're human and humans fuck up, as well.
On his side, you aren't going to make him understand. I get it, I was raised Catholic and know all about waiting until marriage and sexual guilt/shame. Anyone who doesn't accept the worldview you hold is going to have issues respecting your choices as much as you'd like them to. He wants intimacy, and it's not just about getting laid. People in relationships with other people naturally want to be emotionally and physically intimate, and guys are somewhat hardwired to be demonstrative with their emotions in physical ways. That and trained by society to be emotional mutes, so sexuality is one of the few acceptable avenues of expression available to image conscious male teenagers.
Bottom line, he wants something you want to avoid. He doesn't want to wait until marriage. You do. Break up, because he's not the one and if you convince yourself he is you'll be marrying him so you two can have sex years before you're anywhere near old enough to start looking at people with the perspective and maturity of a woman who's read for marriage herself.
Frustrated virgins trying to figure out who the one is so they can get married and fuck like rabbits (finally) is a recipe for unmitigated disaster in every sense of the word. If you want to stay a virgin find a guy who shares that conviction, because strapping yourself to a guy who doesn't when you know you want him too is a recipe for more self hatred when you inevitably bow to nature and physically express yourself again.
Believe me, he's not going to want to stop you any more than he's already tried (not at all, apparently)
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I don't know if this will help though I will offer it anyway: When you boil everything down all we ever have is our principals. If you forsake your principals you have nothing.
You have taught yourself that one of your overriding principals is to be true to yourself. That you wish to save your virginity until you wedding night. This is your principal it is neither right or wrong. What makes it right is that you have made this decision for yourself and you should not allow anyone to force you to give-in on something this important to you.
Now the thought that the primary reason he wants to have sex with you is the fact that all of your friends have done so is not a reason to give in. I would say to him: "If all our friends jumped of the highest bridge in town does that mean we have to as well." His answer will be it is not the same thing; but it is. Just because someone else is doing something is no reason you have too as well.
Now as to why you feel as you do after oral sex with him. There are two reasons for this. First: You went against your primary principal and you feel guilty for doing so.
Second: You allowed your boy friend to coerce you into doing so. You may have done so in a voluntary manner but the coercion makes you feel like you were raped. In a very technical sense you were . You said no and no means no. He should have stopped right there, instead he continued to beg, cajole and whatever else until you gave in. That is a definition of rape.
If you were my daughter my advice to would be if he cannot respect you enough to respect your principals then he does not deserve you. Yes, daddy's always have a soft spot for their daughters. But right is right and wrong is wrong. What is wrong here is your boyfriend is not respecting you and I think deep down you know this.
My advice is to tell him you wish to be respected for the person you are and the principals that guide your life. IF he can't respect you then he should go find a girl with little respect for herself that will satisfy his carnal desires.
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So I take it you're very religious. I understand the mental anxiety of feeling guilty about doing something that was taught to you be seen as a sin, you can't keep beating yourself up about it. It's never to late to stop apologize and go on, what you need to do is first, stop thinking about what you did. The past is the past, you don't get do overs and you just have to face the fact that it happened. Move on, you focusing on one single thing you did "wrong" will not only destroy your relationship with your partner but with yourself as well. Your both feeling stressed out about it, since sex is basically everywhere you look. On t.v, in books, in advertisement and radio. If you feel moral strong about waiting till marriage let him know, he might not understand since he might have not been brought up the same way you were. The way you expect him to respect you and your beliefs you should respect his. If he loves you it will be hard on him but he will understand. You're both very young, however I won't tell you that sex before marriage is ok or not, what you need to do is do what you feel comfortable with. And stop looking at everything with a all or nothing view, tell him how you feel and what you're thinking, how you can both make things work together and if things get a little frantic. Leave it be. Don't let one little slip up be the end of your world and his, because we aren't perfect. Why do you think there are so many different cultures and religions, they're all suited to work best for every other individual. Good luck to you.
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