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I love her.. (this is a little TOO long).
This is an EXTREMELY long story. And in order to answer my question you have to know the whole story. Which is long. I'm a girl and she's a girl. I think that's all you need to know to start with.
'Twas the first day of my freshman year. There was an assembly in the auditorium. It was, of course, boring. So I glanced ahead of me and three rows ahead and a few seats over was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. She was doing something with her hair.. her beautiful hair. I was like, lovestruck immediately. I didn't really see her after that.. until about two weeks later. I saw her walking down the hallway. She looked at me, haha. But I had never seen her before in my life. Then later that week, I was walking down the hallway to my locker and I walked by my English room. I saw her in there and she looked at me. I never forgot that look... anyways. After school that day, I asked my English teacher who the last person who sat there was. She told me (I'm not going to say the name of course). Then I added her on Facebook and blahblahblah. I don't remember how it happened really, but I know she deleted me and stuff. I later found out that she knew about me liking her. I sent her a loooonnnnggg messsage on Facebook saying how I was sorry if I made her feel uncomfortable in any way and such.. and I didn't mean to hurt her.. all that crap. She wrote back and said it was just kind of weird and she didn't know why I couldn't have just talked to her instead of making a big deal out of it. We messaged back and forth a lot. For the next month, actually. I considered that a breakthrough, really. We were good at one point, then she hated me, then I apologized, then she wasn't too sure about it, then we were okay again, then she was mad again. (Yeah, all within one week too). And THEN she sent me a message asking for my email address so she could send me something she wrote about herself a while ago. It said a lot of stuff like she didn't like how she was failing and stuff like that.. I asked her why she sent me that and she told me it was because she thought I had the wrong idea about her. I would always tell her how perfect she was, how there's nothing wrong with her. I admitted that I knew everyone had flaws. But I still told her she was perfect, because she is. I'm terrible at telling stories, I know.
Blahblahblah (It's really extremely boring). Next thing you know, it's November 16th :)
She had told me that she didn't feel comfortable actually walking up to me and talking to me, but if I came up to her sometime it'd be okay. So I did, that morning. November 16th. :) It was INCREDIBLY awkward and I didn't know what to say. I was so nervous and ohhhmygoodness. As soon as I walked up to her locker and said "hi.." she smiled. At. Me. I couldn't believe it. The most beautiful girl in the world smiled at me. (YESSS). So we talked.. then later in the day she smiled AND WAVED to me in the hall... <3.
Then after school we talked a lot too. I asked her if she had ever considered being with a girl or anything (I knew she was straight). She told me that she wondered if she was straight for a loooongg time, but after hooking up with a few guys she just knew she was. She had never hooked up with a girl before, so if you ask me, she doesn't know. But that's JUST my personal opinion. Anyways, that night we talked on Facebook for over two hours. I considered that another breakthrough, thank you. So I guess you'd say we were kinda friends after that. About 1.5 months later, we weren't, of course. Because whenever something gets great, it's gone. OF COURSE. She had been ignoring me on Facebook for a while.. I wasn't sure why. I asked her why she was, and what I had did to make her do that. She didn't say anything so I got offline. A few hours later, I got back online and I clicked on her name on the chat list. Then I saw her typing, and I froze. She said that she had a feeling I couldn't accept the fact that we were just friends. I told her I knew we were only friends, and that I could accept it. OF COURSE, she didn't believe me. So we got into another one of our 'wonderful' arguments. About a month after that, my friend started talking to her (she had already talked to her before, but they weren't really "friends"). Blahblahblah. (this is really quite boring). She ended up telling my friend to tell me that if I really cared about her and really loved her like I said I did, then I'd leave her alone about it. So I did that.
That's basically it..
I moved on... liked a few guys.. had terrible luck with them.
That was all 8 months ago.
Lately I've been dreaming about her. I didn't really think much of the dreams.. dreams are dreams. Then the other night I had a dream that I saw her in this old kind of clothing store.. then the world ended. It didn't happen that fast.. but it happened. It was weird. I mean, in every dream I have about her, she smiles at me then walks away. Sometimes I think it means something but I'm not sure what.
I just don't understand her. First she told me that she thought I was a pretty cool person and that she wanted to be my friend. Then when she got all mad she said that she was only doing it for my sake and not hers. I honestly think she just said that out of anger. We talked so long about so much. About her life, about mine. She said she hadn't had much luck with love either, and she said if it means anything, everyone that hurt me and said mean crap about me were the ones who needed a life. It was so sweet. She was so sweet.
I feel so bad about it. I really loved her (and still do) and I kind of suffocated her. Like I always talked to her in school and talked to her on Facebook. I could see why she'd get annoyed. I would've been annoyed too. And I mean she was straight, so it was probably awkward for her. I just want to apologize. And I just feel that if she gave it a chance she might've liked it. I thought that maybe she was just scared about trying or something? And I talked to my stepmom about it, and she told me that maybe she did feel something for me.. even just a little something. Because if she didn't, she would've just told me she didn't feel that way and never talk to me again. But she actually did want to be my friend, so perhaps she wanted to start out as friends and get to know me? See where it goes from there? I could be wrong about all that though. I have no idea.
All I know is that I want to apologize to her. Let her know that I've realized it was all my fault. I didn't realize that before because I was so "omg" about being her friend I didn't realize I was hurting her. And I want to fix that. I want to send her an email or something. But I have no idea what to say. Does anyone (that actually read this entire thing)have any ideas? Just ANYTHING? I know, I REALLY need to use my own ideas.. but just anything to help me? And I don't plan on writing her anytime soon; probably in a few months or so. I'm not concentrated on getting her to change her mind. It's just for her to know how I feel and how I'm terribly sorry for everything that I did.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Sounds like this girl wanted to be your friend but may be a little unsure whether she is comfortable being friends with someone who likes her in that way. If she is straight, Then she's straight. I think your best bet is too talk to her about where you two stand with one another, If she has been ignoring you on facebook for awhile then obviously she may not be very comfortable being in contact with you. You can either try messaging her about it or lay low for awhile and wait and see if she contacts you. I just wouldn't want to keep on messaging her seemly desperate about the whole thing that may end up scaring her off.
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