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Getting over anxiety and bdd?
So i'll be turning 18 in a few months. Four actually. I've gone up and down with my weight like crazy. It's always made me self conscious, I don't feel I'm attractive at all. My old psychologist said it might ave something to do with past abuse and bullying, verbal and such. I'm sure that's it. Anyways, the past year was terrible my family broke apart. Long story short. I haven't spoken to my mom in about a year. I live with my father and my older sister and her boyfriend. We've moved to a new town far from my old one, and basically lost all my friends. Eh, the few I had. I don't care about making new ones right now. I just want to be able to leave my home. Go for peaceful walks, and not feel like everyone's eyes are on me. I feel like I'm repulsive and everyone knows about my Eating disorders. I've been trying to gain more weight, I'm well under weight. I haven't cut in over 2 years, but have been having VERY strong urges. Instead I just pick my face. Which I've been trying to stop as well. It just makes me feel terrible after, I try to eat, but I fear of getting fat and uglier. I went out for a 20 minute walk today, a miracle. But the whole time my heart was racing like a a million times per second. And I couldn't stop sweating or jittering. I felt so awkward and out of place, as people drove by. I tried my best not to make eye contact, and focused on my music. But I started to get anxious and my chest began to tighten, so I went back home. I ran home. It made me feel so pathetic and like such a freak. :(
I didn't even realize how anti social I became in the last year, I feel like a loser. It's very upsetting. When I'm home I get anxious 'cause my sister works from 6 am to 7 pm when she comes home she's tired and doesn't want to talk or do anything. Her boyfriend doesn't like me I think. It's not just an assumption, I can feel the tension as it layers the air with awkwardness. So I try to stay in my room. But that also frustraits me. I look after our pets and plants most of the time, I cook alot. But for them, I barely eat anything I make. I try to, it's very healthy too, But if I eat too much (or what I think maybe too much) I start gagging, I'm trying to fight it but it's very hard. It doesn't help the fact that my other older sister that is big and losing weight, keeps blabbing about how much she works out and how the fat is just melting off. I tell her, yeah I been there and done that, I'm still thin you know. But she teases me, playfully I suppose. Like I don't know, you're guts sticking out a bit. Which right after I fast for two days on water alone, and then feel terribly faint the rest of the week. I try to talk to my sisters and my dad but they don't understand. They say just eat and you'll be fine. I wish it was that easy. I hate myself so much. I've been meditating a lot, I'm very spiritual and practicing cleansing and healing with spirituality and herbs. It's helped me a lot, I believe in it. It keeps me a live.
Anyway, I would appreciate any advice, on getting rid of this...what bothers me is when I leave my home, I feel fat and ugly and like everyone's eyes are on me. Which I know isn't the case but, it's an overwhelming sensation. I've been more critical lately towards my weight, since the reason our family fell apart, is do to my mother having the by pass surgery, she went from 279 to 135. She looks 60 now and I hate it, it scares me and makes me feel upset. After her weight loss, she cheated on my dad, in public. She made it known. Everyone in our town knew. It's made so. I'm not sure. I wish I could sleep and wake up on a boat in the sea, so far away from everyone and everything.
I'm sorry if this is long. I don't know where else to turn, or to vent.
f/17
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Wow.. I need to tell you your amazing to be able to ask for help. You obviously know something is wrong by the looks of it and you WANT to fix it.. you don't want to suffer anymore. First of all , keep the mediating in place and keep doing what you love.. like you said that spiritual stuff and herbs keeps you alive , so keep doing it :). Okay.. about your weight.. look like the other person said you are NOT your mom.. you are your OWN person , you are in charge of yourself , if your religious , God has given you this body and it is your choice on how you want to use it and how you want it to look , only you can do that. Look , first of all I know you cant eat well right?so.. start eating little like a little bit and as the weeks go on.. try eating more.. so dont try and eat a whole buffet , but keep it moderate keep adding a tiny bit each time as your body will get use to it. Trust me , dont listen to what your sister says or what your dad says.. like I told others.. go to a gym , put on your music and go to the gym to the girls section , you should feel better there, go to the gym and go try Zumba. Trust me , if you like music like you say , Zumba is a good place to start.. if you go to those classes for a long time.. and put A LOT of effort in , you can loose up to 1,000 calories IN ONE HOUR CLASS! its insane.. good music, makes you not feel having a low self-esteem and it might help you , you should really look into it , it might help you just like your spirtual and herbs as you like doing it. Also, your mom did a very bad thing with that happening... all you can is LEARN from it... yes your mom did it , but now you know and see how someone feels because your in those shoes and it will make you stronger. Dont worry about your sisters boyfriend it shouldnt matter if he likes you or not.. dont assume things , just keep distances and your fine :) I mean your not the one going out with him! Plus, when you leave home you need to start focussing on YOURSELF! not on what others think , so what if they look at you? they are not you , you are you... you should just care , dont worry about when you walk and what cars think... if they have stupid things to say liuke when you got bullied you can tell them yeah thats me but you know what im not going to let that get to me because im a strong independet person who is not just anti social but has been through a lot and look im still standing on two feet , you should be very proud of yourself. who cares if your anti social , your taking the time to ask a question and people answer you you can always get new friends better ones or visit the ones at home that you miss
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It sounds like the problems you had have caused this. not just the bullying in school but what happened with your mom. Remember you are not her. You are probably smarter, you would never throw away a relationship like that would you? So you can't compare yourself to her.
Try eating really healthy stuff first. Convince your body that eating healthy is good for you. Believe that everything will be better if you work towards your goal. Then start eating more food each day. Just a little more don't push yourself to much because I understand that this is hard enough. I know that your sister may be tired when she gets home but you need your family's suppport to work through this. Tell her 'I'm sorry I know your probably tired but I need your help with something...'
Connect to yoru family more because you need to be able to trust their advice, their help. You need to know that these people have your back for sure and believe in you. Try to explain to them that this is important to you and that you don't want to feel like this anymore. Good Luck! YOu can always inbox me if you need any support!
~Mar<3:)
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