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So confused, 12 hour breakup?
So, my boyfriend suffers from a lot of different things. We've been together a year and live together, and he suffers from depression which has gotten worse, and he has been escaping into other things, gaming and internet porn.
I called him on it, the other night, quite intensely and told him to stop hurting him and us and me. That he was acting like an addict and dragging me down with him.
Then, suddenly (this is a guy who was planning to propose to me) he says "I dont want to spend the rest of my life with you." And goes on to tell me that he "loves me but isnt in love with me anymore" that "he waited for a spark but hes not sure there ever was one" that "what we have is great but he wants mindblowing".
I tried to reason with him, asked him to work with me for a few months, to see a couples therapist, he says the only reason he'd do that is for a friendship, that no romantic relationship could come out of this. That if this was being said it must be final.
This is a guy who also gets very depressed at night and frequently says things that he dosent mean, or takes back later.
I was very confused, because what he was saying made no sense with the span of our relationship - always loving me very much, very passionate, all those things.
He then changes it to taking a few days to go to his parents.
In the am, he went to go do the chores he had for the day, while I was a devestated wreck.
Comes back, says he meant none of it, that he loves me more than the earth itself, that hes crazy about me and so passionate and that he wants me forever, wants to marry me and have children.
He's prone to dark mood swings, but this is ridiculous.
I threatened to break up with him, and he started having an anxiety attack and talking about how much he loved me and needed me.
Have you seen this before? I can't understand this at all.
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I have seen this all before. My ex boyfriend was a very depressed person and had an acute case of bipolar and self with sexual confliction of bisexuality. So as a girl it took a hit on my self esteem all the time, he would chane his mind about me as often as every 3 months. And he started to get pretty nasty with me as far as my looks. I think it was because he wanted to bring someone down to the level he was at. I was so sad for over a year and could not handle the relationship anymore. In the end it fell apart because the truth of the matter is the best relationships are ones between two mentally healthy people who love each other and always want each other. They have they're fights but it's not a fight against on persons outlook it's about them as a whole. You don't want to live your life caring for a man as if he's as fragile as a child. It should go both ways and in your case it isn't. I'd break it off immediately, and just be a friend to him until he gets better. You deserve to be happy. I took that away from myself for much too long, he doesn't treat you right and it's not that he needs you- he's just afraid to be alone. So be a friend but not a lover because it will destroy you.
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Very often, a person who is down and depressed because of chemicals in their brain cannot attach a logical explanation to their feelings, so they blame it on the person closest to them. They reason you are keeping them from expressing themself or being themself, which is making them unhappy. This is something that goes back and forth in their head all the time...when they think about it logically, they know you're not the problem, but at the moment, it seems like it's all your fault. Having a relationship with a person who is depressed is sooooo depressing. I'm not being a wise-ass, either. It can really bring you down. You wonder, "jeez, if he really loves me like he says he does, why is he so miserable? Why can't he see how lucky he is?" (a great Cheryl Crow song, "If It Makes You Happy" is one you might be able to relate to.)
Another hard thing about relationships with depressed people--sometimes you end up losing yourself in their problems. So what are you supposed to do now, not say anything when he looks at internet porn because it might upset him? What about your feelings; are you allowed to express them, or is it always a bad time for him? Don't forget to think about yourself, too.
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