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The love of my life. Miles away. Suicidal.
So Im completly in love with this guy who lives in California. But I live in Iowa. And he loves me. We've always wanted to be together and we've talked everyday for over a year now. Awhile ago he told me he has had suicidal thoughts but said he would never do it cause someone made him believe if he committed suicide he would go to hell. So I didnt worry. Recently we've been getting into a lot of fights due to jealous and stuff. And all of a sudden his suicidal thoughts are back. Once he told me we should talk as friends, and I told him if thats what he wanted then I would agree so I could let him be happy. But then he said he wanted to stop talking to me overall because he said it would be too hard. Then he kept telling me "Its over" "Im done" "Its really over." And I could tell he was talking about his life. I dont get it because Im just going with what he wants? We've been through this so many times but its getting to a point where Im about to crack. I dont know what to do or say to him to keep him to no longer think suicidal when it comes to me it seems like. Please please help.
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Yes, this person that you love raises a lot of red flags and he needs a lot of attention. Does he talk about himself a lot? Does he always turn your words against you? Does he twist your words around to make an argument seem like it's your fault?
When you mentioned that he suggested talking as friends one time, and the moment you agreed, he became offended. It sounds as though he expects a lot from you. He expects certain reactions from you that he needs to constantly reassure himself and make himself feel better (he has deep insecurity issues and self esteem problems)which is not healthy in a relationship.
You sound like a very thoughtful and beautiful person, very kind-hearted as well. I know you feel like it's your fault that he is feeling this way and you feel lost and it's because you love him so much. You are also feeling guilt, but you shouldn't. He reminds me of something called an "energy vampire."
I'm not saying he is a bad person or even knows that he is doing this. He probably really believes that he is just a victim, but I am sure his personality is also very stubborn and prideful at the same time. It's a difficult mix to be stubborn, prideful, insecure, with low-self esteem. This causes a person to be posessive and clingy.
If he really wanted to end his life he would have done it by now. It sounds to me he just wants you to constantly reassure him of how much you love him to make him feel good about himself, but you need a relationship that is healthy, happy, with equal give and take. Someone who will listen to you and what is going on in your life too. You need someone who trusts you even if things can get uncomfortable, they don't jump to conclusions, accuse, and overreact. That is not healthy. Sorry I am repeating myself. Good luck, just stay positive, and remember to love yourself first, and then you can love others and see the true path.
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It is not your responsibility to keep him from being depressed or thinking suicidal thoughts. He needs to talk to a professional about these thoughts. You may be the focus of his suicidal thoughts, but if it is a genuine suicidal mindset, he would fixate on someone or something else if you were out of the picture. Urge him to get help from someone qualified to deal with his issues. You are not equipped nor are you in a place where you can "fix" his issues. Bottom line is that there is nothing you can do or say to keep him from being suicidal. Even if you had some magical power in this regard, it would still be a sick, codependent relationship.
He really needs to talk to a pro: a therapist, a spiritual leader, a local mental health professional. A call to Social Services, a local clinic or hospital, or a suicide hotline will put him in touch with people that can help him.
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