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Am I queer continued.....
I have come to realize that what I had thought to be a one night stand while I was drunk came to be more. I have somehow developed feelings for the man I had intercourse with. He is a pastor buddy of mine and we share the same beliefs. I am married with kids and Not really sure what to do.
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I really dislike the limitations of text. This situation is best served by dialogue in "real time", but I'll do the best I can with this format.
Let's look at this in a somewhat different light for a moment. How much different would this situation be at its core if this pastor buddy were a woman? This kind of situation happens all the time in a heterosexual context. A man is friends with a woman and they come to a moment of indiscretion and things happen and then there is emotional confusion and guilt as well as other fallout. How would you counsel someone in that situation? My guess is that you would not advise him to "follow his heart" further into trouble. You would advise him to disentangle himself from the affair and to go about the business of building up his marriage and his family. You would look hard at the factors that led up to the affair and address those issues. Truthfully, the dynamics of your situation are not significantly different from those of a heterosexual affair. That's not to say there aren't a couple of extra twists here, but the answers are pretty much the same.
What's at stake, here? There is tremendous potential for damage to your family, your ministry, and your friend's ministry if you allow your feelings and confusion to guide your actions. So, at the very least you need to step back and go "whoa! What's happening here?" You need to gather your wits about you and plan your next moves with a cool head. This means avoiding contact with your friend and avoiding situations which would feed this "affair". You have a wife to whom you made vows, you have a family for which you are responsible, and you have a ministry involving the oversight of a number of souls, and for all of these you will answer to God. This is about way more than what you think you may want in the heat of a given moment. Which is why it is so vital to "get your head on straight" right now. Again, this is less about the possibility of your having gay tendencies than about sexual behavior, romantic entanglements, relational responsibilities, and obedience to God in general. In fact, it goes to the very nature of sin itself. One homosexual act is hardly the sum total of all the base urges within your being that would love to express themselves. Just in the sexual realm, many men succumb to the temptations of affairs, porn addiction is rampant even among Christian men, pedophilia and other asymetrical relationships are becoming more evident all the time. Hardly a week goes by without a story in my local paper about someone caught with child porn on their computer or a coach having an affair with a student. These specific situations are merely slightly divergent manifestations of man's basic urges, weaknesses, and failure to exercise good judgement and self-discipline.
Now, if we were sitting in the same room, having a conversation, I would engage in a probing dialogue about what's happening in your marriage and family life right now. I would look at the sequence of events that led up to the incident with your friend. I would look at the things all this tells you about yourself which would help you walk into the future with clarity. I would look into your faith and relationship with God and look to what it will take to reestablish it on a firm foundation.
For now, let me speak to your last few words, "not really sure what to do". First, you need to talk to God and repent of this sin. Once again, the homosexual nature of this encounter is only secondary to the fact that it was a sexual encounter outside of marriage. Regardless of what you or I or society thinks of homosexuality, this was an act of adultery and is therefore sin on that basis. Then you need to ask God to restore you in Him. No matter what decisions you make, the road ahead is going to be difficult and you're going to have to walk it closely with God if you want to navigate your way to victory.
Secondly, you need to avoid feeding the temptation, which means disciplining your thoughts and avoiding contact with your friend. It is best if you can find someone mature and trustworthy in whom you can confide and who can lend you strength and support in doing the things you need to do, and in not doing the things you need to not do. Someone who will build your faith rather than undermine it.
Thirdly, you need to be proactive in building on the positive. What I mean is, much of what you need to do involves restraint and discipline, which can be draining. Invest your energy in your relationship with your wife and children. Invest it in restoring your relationship with God. Invest it in those things which will build strength in you and the things you value, and in the things God values.
I'll stop here for now. This should be enough to chew on for the time being. In the meantime, I will be praying for you.
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