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Says he loves me, but doesn't want to date me
20/F
I have dated the same boy since I was in the 8th grade, we dated all throughout high school off and on, with the longest time being about four months that we were separated and even then we still hooked up and talked and everything. However, every single time we broke up he was the one who dumped me, and every time he did I always begged him to take me back. Senior year we both got into the same university that is in our hometown. However, that summer I ended up changing my mind and decided to go to a college in another state, the two schools are roughly 2 hours apart so it's not a huge difference. It put a strain on our relationship but we finished out the summer strong and tried to figure out ways to maintain our relationship on in college. I visited him many times, every break we spent together and I would come down to his school for football games etc. However he only came and saw me once. It didn't matter to me though because I knew a lot of his friends who went there and it was in my hometown so it made more sense for me to come to him. Things ended up going pretty well that semester, however towards the end they got very shaky. And finally about two days before Christmas he broke up with me. We both were planning on rushing fraternitys/sororitys and he said that with both of us pledging it would make a relationship very hard. It was rough but pledging did keep both of us very busy, in fact we didn't talk much at all this semester. Maybe about once or twice a week. About a month before I came home, we started talking more regularly, he told me how much he had missed me how he couldn't wait to spend the summer with me etc...so naturally I thought we'd get back together. The first night I was back we got in a huge argument because he had gone through my phone and seen messages I'd sent my friends about him and how i wasn't sure what was going to happen. After a few days we started talking again and he said he wanted to see me but that he wasn't going to get back together with me right away but that he wanted to work things out with us, so for the past few weeks we've been seeing each other about twice a week and we usually hang out, hook up and then go out and eat, pretty normal. Except that we never talk unless were together. So the other day I was going to his house and we ended up getting in a huge argument over something stupid, I left to cool down and then came back hoping we could work it out. However, he basically told me that he still loved and cared about me but that he did not want to date anyone at all. He said he was nowhere near ready to get married and that this was the first time he'd ever really been single. I told him that it bothered me that he felt like he could do this to me, knowing that when he's ready to date me I will have been here waiting on him, he has me tied around his finger and I know it. We both dated around and hooked up and talked to other people this past semester, but it was nothing serious for either of us. That same day I ended up leaving his house crying, and he texted me later on that night saying we both had messed up etc. He then asked me to come get him bc he was drunk and couldn't drive home, so I went and got him and ended up staying at his house. The first thing I told him when I saw him was that this is just proof of the fact that regardless of how much he puts me through, anytime he needs me I am always there for him.
My question is should I believe him? he says there is nobody else and I do think I believe him, I haven't heard of him being serious with anyone. But is it really possible to love someone but not want to be in a relationship? I've always thought that if you love someone enough nothing else matters, you only want to be with them. Should I wait it out? Or do my best to move on. It's crazy but we've been together almost six years, and I really think that this is the person I'm supposed to be with. But I don't want to spend my time away from him miserable, but I also don't want to lose him either.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well, you're you and I'm not, but developmentally, it is better for you to date lots of different guys and explore life a little bit rather than going back time and again. Are you still living at home? Nothing wrong with that at your age, but you are definitely still living at home when it comes to your love life and that isn't a good thing and I wonder if you will be able to leave home after you graduate, especially as I believe it is a good idea for everyone to live overseas after they are out of university as a further growing experience.
Look, if you don't go through that phase of exploring life and dating different men you will regret it later. And he will also regret not doing that. So no need to get yourself tied down with anyone now. In fact, it would be better if you cut the cord and moved on. You can always meet again at your high school class reunion five years down the road or something. Just don't get stuck.
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Hi there,
You really are in a tough spot, aren't you? :-(
Well, from experience, I would like to share a couple things with you which may shed some light on something you haven't mentioned:
When you are in love with someone... you don't have sex with anyone else. Period.
This whole idea of having sex with other people, but nothing serious, is a cop-out for people who want to rack up a fine collection of emotional baggage and STDs before inflicting all that on the one person they expect to spend the rest of their life with.
If you can die from it, become infertile from it or get cancer from, then it is pretty serious, right? Condoms do not stop herpes or HPV (Genital warts, cancer, etc) because they don't cover your whole body.
What he is doing, and calling "nothing serious" is collecting strains of HPV to infect you with. Please think about this. There are over 100 strains of HPV, and the vaccine only prevents a very few of them.
If you are out there, doing the same thing... collecting diseases and emotional hurts that don't go away, then what does this say about the relationship you want to be in?
Please consider something else, which I can assure you is true:
If a man loved you and wanted to be with you AT ALL... the thought of you having sex with another man would be enough to send him into an absolute rage, a depression that could last for years... or both.
NO guy says: "I love you and I will want to be with you some day, but for now... just go screw a bunch of random guys. I will get around to you again some day."
NEVER will you hear this from any guy that loves you. Not going to happen.
I know it will hurt to separate from him for good, but you are already sexing different people anyway, so how much more broken could the relationship be, right?
As you said, he knows he has you where he wants you. As long as you stay there, he will continue to use you for sex when he can't get it from someone else that night. Hurts when I put it that way, doesn't it?
I am sorry, but the truth here is just that: hurtful. If you tell him that you are done waiting... then be done waiting. Cut him out of your life completely.
Perhaps, once he realizes that you aren't just going to wait around while he shags every girl on campus, he will make up his mind and straighten out.
If he doesn't give up all the skanks he spends his time with now... then you know that he never cared, or at least doesn't anymore.
You MUST find out. The whole "I just want to be single for a while" thing is a lie. It is really: "I just want to screw as many people as I can, because I can always count on you to be there when I feel like settling down."
If you don't believe me now, then you will in 10 years... I promise.
I am sorry you are in this awful situation. Please don't stay in it. It will only ruin any relationship you have in the future if you do.
I hope the best for you,
DN.
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