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What can become of this relationship?
My boyfriend and I are both freshmen in college and we've been together for two years.
When we're together, we have a lot of fun; we like similar music, jokes, movies, etc. We're great friends and we're sexually attracted to each other.
But there's a dark side; we're also EXTREMELY different. For example, he's had a rough childhood and as a result DESPISES his parents. He is certain that if his mom died, he would not feel one ounce of sadness. He's even told me that he'd probably kill her (and perhaps other people that piss him off as much) if prison was not a consequence.
Honestly, I'm fairly certain he can be diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. According to the DSM-IV, Antisocial Personality Disorder is defined as:
A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring for as long as either childhood, or in the case of many who are influenced by environmental factors, around age 15, as indicated by three or more of the following:
1)failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
Check. In high school, he stole hundreds of dollars of merchandise from various stores and even got caught once. No regard for the law. :\
2)deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
Check, sort of. He lies a lot, but it's not really in a deceitful manner. It's more an abuse of white lies; he tells people what they want to hear because he believes it's better than the truth. For example, he lied about his SAT score to someone who got about a 1600 so they wouldn't feel bad about their score.
3)impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
4)irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
Check. No physical fights, but he has an EXTREMELY short temper. And when he gets angry, he yells and attacks inanimate objects. Doors have been punched, phones have been thrown against walls and destroyed, tables have been flipped. He's never laid a hand on me, but it's scary to see him flip out like this.
5)reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
6)consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
7)lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;
Check. He has ZERO empathy.
B) The individual is at least 18 years of age.
Check.
C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
Check.
D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
Check.
My problem with him is that he doesn't want to see a therapist for his anger problems, even though they're stressful for me and his roommates. His reason is that he doesn't want the "crazy" label because it'll "ruin his life".
Furthermore, he won't change his mind no matter how much I beg, because in his mind, I'm nagging him, which reminds him of his mom (his favorite person in the world), which gets him even madder.
Anyway, what should I do? Our relationship doesn't bother me in the moment; I'm only in college and we have a lot of fun together when we ARE having fun.
However, because of his short temper and stubbornness, I don't think we can last long term. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with someone who lacks empathy and has anger issues like he does.
He's really a great and fun person aside from that one big problem. So should I keep trying to change him or simply accept the fact that our relationship's a ticking time bomb and enjoy it while it lasts? :\
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Enjoy it while it lasts.
"I don't want the crazy label" clinches it. He's well aware there's a problem, he has no intention of addressing it.
Do not ever try to change people who don't want to be changed. Everyone changes, but some people flat out walk away from adulthood, or sit down and cross their arms like they're 3. Sound like a good analogy for the tantrum round you go through when you bring something up?
He's fun, he's smart, he's broken and you don't want to bear the burden of that for the rest of your life. At some point you're going to be "nagging" him about something a bit more immediate than him considering therapy and he's going to push you across a line where you feel like you've just been thoroughly disrespected by a stupid condescending asshole. It sounds like he's already crossing the lines of what you want to put up with. When he realizes that you're getting sick of him don't be surprised if he throws up a wall of bullshit and hates you forever.
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