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very long.. but it is important to get the full story.
My boyfriend of 6 months and I just broke up the other night. When we first got into a relationship in November, it lasted only a few weeks. I knew he had some depression issues, and anxiety issues, but so do I... before he broke up with me he got extremely distant, almost unresponsive towards me when I tried to talk to him casually, even though he'd initiate the conversations.
Anyway, after having sex for the first time with each other, he became slightly distant and eventually sorta broke it off.. I was obviously angered, hurt, confused.. all of that. He was confused about if he wanted to be with me or not, but he didn't come out and say it. I asked him whats been wrong, and he said "I don't know. Anything anymore." I responded with "... does that mean you don't know if you want to be with me?.. Do you not want to be with me?" And he said "I don't know." So I told him "It's okay.. it can be over."
And I ended the discussion. Later that same day, he told me he needs to explain himself, and I told him there is nothing to explain.. He pleaded for me to let him explain. Later on that day I saw him and let him explain.
I went over his house and he could barely look at me. He said "I bet you think it's you. I bet you think I'm involved with someone else...I bet you think I don't care." I said "I dont know what to think.. and I wouldnt be surprised if there were another girl."
He said "It's not. It's me.. I'm the problem." I asked him how he's the problem. He said "I just don't care.. about anything.. in case you haven't noticed I'm a loser in every sense of the word."
I told him he's not a loser, but he needs help. His apathy and aloofness, and inability to care for others at times is a sign that he needs help.
Anyway.. I stayed away from him after that conversation.. but a week or two later he began to talk to me a bit more., he was always the one to initiate. I stayed back though, because I didn't want him to hurt me, and I was still angered by everything. He said things like "I know I'm the last person you want to talk to.. but can we hang out at some point?" I'd barely respond, he'd know I was clearly not interested (or at least I gave no impression I was).
Well one night I was at home and he called me. He said he was out for a drive and he was at the store a few mins away from where I lived. I asked him what made him drive in the direction of my house.. and he said he just did.. and he asked if he could see me. So he came over, and brought me homemade cookies. And we acted like things were normal again, and he fell asleep in my bed and cuddled me a bit.. but i wouldnt cuddle him back.
Anyway.. eventually i told him i cannot be his friend, that I'm still too angry. He gave me my space. Eventually I contacted him again just to talk, and that's when things started to pick up again with us talking normally, although I was still wary and distant, and wouldnt let him in. He would always initiate the conversation but I would try to act normal and everything.. then eventually he asked me if he could talk t me about something. When we talked, he told me he wanted to try again.. and he told me his therapist suggested he talk to me about how hes feeling and all that.. so I let him. He told me he wants to try again, and I told him he basically crushed any chance of that and that its not that easy. A month later though, after talking, we tried again.
My issue is... I believe he has borderline personality disorder. We stayed together for about six months since getting back together, and now we are broken up for many reasons, all due to how he's been acting.
It was going pretty well, though he would get distant sometimes, especially after too much sex. He barely talked to me for two days after we started picking things up sexually again, and when I questioned him on it he said too much sex makes him depressed... though i wasnt completely sure of the reason.
Then he contradicted himself,,because there was a completely different instance when I slept over his house and I was really tired and not feeling so well, and he tried to initiate sex and I told him not tonight, and he got frustrated.. and turned over on his side like a child and barely talked to me. Didn't even acknowledge that I was still at his house with him. When I told him I was just going to leave and go home to sleep, he said "why?" and hes like "please, dont leave... when you sleep over I feel safe." And he held me.
I also realized he sees a lot of things as black and white.. and he is really inconsistent in his emotions and everything. There was this girl who hurt him last year who he's called "evil" every time she's mentioned around him.. but then he'll go hang out with her with a group of people anyway sometimes. Same with other people.. he'll act annoyed by them and like he wants nothing to do with them, but contradict himself the next second by hanging out with them.
A couple months ago when he'd act distant and it finally got to me, I asked him if he still wants to be with me. He said he does.. he said "I dont want to mess this up.. i think things are going really well. I really care about you" All that stuff, blah blah.. Anyway.. I accepted the fact that he got distant at times, but my insecurities
still got the better of me, and every once in awhile I'd ask him, just for reassurance, if he wants to be with me still. He'd get frustrated sort of.. and say I was being insecure and all that, and wouldnt really ever reassure me.. btu he explained it as "sometimes im cold.. and I dont want you to see me when I get in those moods"
My birthday we were at a bar with a bunch of my friends, and he got anxious, sorta stayed away..when I tried to grab his arm to have him stay near me so he felt more comfortable, and more included.. he responded nastily with "You dont have to drag me. I know how to walk" anyway.. that's when things started going downhill with us. This was a few weeks ago.. since then he's been distant on and off.. he'd still want to see me a lot, and he'd apologize for the birthday incident, but still did nothing to make it up to me.. its liek he didnt have it in him. I've been dealing with a lot lately emotionally, and when I tried to talk to him about it he'd seem disinterested.. whereas other times he'd be there for me. More often than not he wouldnt though..
Brief history: He had an ex who he did the same type of things to. He broke up with her to set her free in a sense.. beacuse he said he did nothing but make her miserable and she just wanted to help him. He still cares for her.. always will, but hasnt talked to her in a year. Which I dont blame him for.. you dont forget your first love.. anyways..
The night we broke up just the other night, we were talking about everything. I tol dhim I need him to tell me whats on his mind.. he finally did. He said he doesnt know what to do because he has moments where he feels he doesnt want to be with me, or that hes not interested anymore. and moments where he is.. but his fluctuation in mood is due to nothing in particular.. he said it just happens.. it just sorta comes on him unexpectedly.
SO I said "if you dont want to be with me, then why are you with me?" He said he wants to be with me, but he stops caring about anything and everything, and when that happens that includes the people in his life as well.
I said "But didn't you love your ex?"
He said "I did.. half of the time. The other time I was just sick of her."
I broke it off with him... but I want to help him. I've never heard him sound so desperate. He said "It's hard..living like this.. I dont even want to live anymore." He doesnt know how to stop it, and doesnt have insurance for medication. I'm waiting for him to come to me, and giving him his space, bit I've been crying.. Not over the breakup.. over him.. over he fact that this rules his life. He cant get close to somebody, and he even admitted that.. he cant get close to somebody because he said he feels like he's digging himself deeper into a hole every time he does.. and that he will just hurt the person he's with, no matter who he's with, even if he does care about that person. He has such a good heart, but he is perceived as an asshole a lot because of how cold he can be. I don't want him to suffer.. I want to help him..
Does anyone feel this way? Does anyone have borderline? I need to find a way to help him. Ive never heard a more genuine "I dont want to live" from anybody before. It's like hes just too tired to go on. He said theres no point, beacuse he cant even let anybody in. Please help... I'm sorry for the long story. That doesnt even cover a quarter of it.. but its at least the main idea.. but please.. i need advice..
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
my cousin had the same problem. we found out something from his childhood made him distant and a total ass 2 others sometimes. he also had distrust in every1 and like u said he couldnt let anyone in. maybe he has a hidden childhood burden that hes keeping inside? hope this helps=)
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Hi there,
You sound really sensible and so kind and caring.
Please just protect yourself though.
I think it is good that you want to help him, but I have seen with people with Chronic Depression and with Bipolar / borderline, very similar behaviours, and honestly for these people, no matter what medications they are on, I haven't seen them come 'right'.
In terms of a relationship with him, my advice would be to just think (without thinking about him) who your dream husband would be and what your dream life would be like.
Would you have a nice house, car and kids
In that case, it would be good for your husband to be hardworking, honest, motivated, patient, fun and kind. And have a consistant personality, so they are stable as a husband and father. And his loyalty, helpfulness and good manners towards his family will show you a little bit of how he will be with you and your little kids in the future.
Whenever you consider dating any guy, be his friend for a while and see if he has these qualities. If he doesn't then it would be worth passing him by. Not dating him, because then you would be 'taken' when Mr Right did come along, and he may not even look at you, but date that girl next door, etc.
I hope this helps.
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