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I have this really weird problem.
I Don't know what it's called even though I've been trying to for a long time now. For about 2 years now, I've felt little to no emotions, constant suicidal thoughts, no need to socialize, haven't been able to remember a single dream, and the need to be alone.
2 Years ago, I was the guy with all the friends, the happy person with the happy life. Now, I'm still considered to be the same person by at least 90% of people I know. The 10% that asked me if there was something wrong, I blew them off. I don't tell people my problems, and don't feel "alone in the world". I don't see the point in "white lies" and analyze all my conversations, thinking of what to say next before saying it. I don't feel happy, sad, regret, guilt or anything. But I still have suicidal thoughts. I can't explain it well. When I think of suicide I feel like a great weight will be lifted.
To be honest, I'm surprised i went through with this. I normally just read, not write. Oh and also please don't go "Please see a therapist, or doctor, or speak to someone." I've tried enough times.
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think about suicide only once you've achieved everything in this world. sometimes suicide is just a sweet way of escapism. if there's something in your life that most trigger your suicide instinct 'eg life is meaningless, job is hard', just do the crazy and get out of it. life is short already, dont waste it with things you hate and make it shorter by suicide.
im not happy, im bound with work, social life is zero, gained friends lost friends. but sometimes i'll think about things i havent done in life, simple things like sleeping by the lake or going paris or eating authentic danish pastry (lol). things like that makes me wanna live just a little longer.
hope this helps.
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Dear I have this really weird problem,
Man, suicide is always a scary subject. Taking your own life is a serious action that has no reward, or reversal. While great relief may come when we are dead, it is not your time to go yet.
I agree with the feedback you have gotten thus far, in the respect that something happened 2 years ago that changed you. I find it a harsh reflection of the world we live in that only ten percent of your friends were aware enough to notice something was wrong with you.
The world is changing and your feelings about suicide will change. You are needed to be strong, indifferent, and unwavering. These character traits will be needed to deal with threats that will come to your family, and loved ones. Your emotions will return when you gain your purpose; to protect and provide.
Another thing that will feed into your suicidal thoughts are pills prescribed for depression. I do not agree that doctors can help you with your problems. Since they have no idea what it is like to have your life, to think your thoughts and have your problems. They are trained to label you, categorize your symptoms based on what you tell them, and then give you a 'fix it' pill to cover up the problems.
Weather or not chemicals are influencing your thoughts, you are going through this for a reason. Everything that we are put through is a test with a lesson learned and meant to make us stronger. You are a strong spirit that has hit a major speed bump at 65mph. It has thrown you off your game and you do not know how to deal with it. You are not a weak character. Otherwise you would have killed yourself instead of engaging your 'emotional' defensive mechanisms.
This is not a cry for help either; so it is obvious that you want to feel again. The longing to have these emotions again feels like a huge anchor weighing you down. Naturally you want relief from it all. This tells me that you are human. The relief you contemplate is not ideal, but the only option you have been exposed to; that is until me.
Improve your eyesight, increase your focus, and your purpose will be made clear. When you find your purpose, you find yourself and your feelings. When you find your feelings, you will find life again.
Trust in me and you will see,
Hopefully, I can give you clarity.
i n f o w a r s.com and p r i s o n p l a n e t.com
Get real. Get honest. Get the Truth. I am here for you anytime.
Good Luck!
Doktor Tammy
P.S. Only ten percent of your peer group, not just your friends, will comprehend the truth you'll find in the above .com sites.
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What changed 2 years ago? That may be your key in trying to understand what this is. It may be that there's some idea or situation that you're ignoring and that you need to resolve for yourself.
Are you having an existential crisis? By that I mean, do you think that your existence has no point or value? If so, then you need to MAKE it have a point or value. You have to go out there and do something for someone besides yourself. Volunteer for the Red Cross. Take a cooking course. Join a sport. Do something!
Practical things you can do are that you can exercise, eat a healthier diet (Google "diet for depression"), and spend more time in the sun.
ALL THIS BEING SAID:
You sound like you are clinically depressed. I know you say that you don't want to see a doctor and that you have seen doctors before. However, you should know that there's no ONE MAGIC CURE for depression...and if it doesn't work, that's it! You're screwed!
Treatment for depression is a collaborative effort between you and a doctor. If the meds aren't working, tell him or he won't know. There are a lot of different meds with different dosages and one will work for you.
FINALLY:
Do not kill yourself. Stick it out because things change...sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worst...but it's all interesting.
A quote from a movie that I think you should remember:
"The dead only know one thing, it is better to be alive."
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