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My boyfriend can be too honest
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. We get along pretty well, to be honest. We see each other a lot and we hardly ever fight. Thing is, I just feel sometimes that he can be a bit too honest with me about stuff. It's never, ever been an everyday issue but it's been almost constant for the past couple of weeks for some reason.. For instance, he'll tell me something like "You have a zit", or that "your breath smells". It's annoying because I don't know why he feels the need to tell me stuff like that. Today, which is what really set me off, is that he said something about my drawings. He tells me a lot that I'm a good drawer and that I make good artwork, but today he decided to point out flaws about my current drawing. He said that it looked bad because the bottom looked unproportional, which annoyed me because I'm not even done with it. He claimed that he's "just being honest because the people at my art college will be too". Although he did point out something he liked about it, it made me feel crappy because art is something i feel really good about. I told him how it bothered me and he couldn't understand why it was a big deal. We're both critical of ourselves, but if I point out a flaw of his, he doesn't care. And he would tell me if it did.. He just feels like since it wouldn't bother him, than it shouldn't bother anyone else either. He's never tried to change me at all, or make it seem like I'm not worthy, he's just too honest sometimes. I love him, but I hate how he is unable to see this from my point of view
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Hi there,
You know it is a funny thing, this self esteem business... There are a couple ways to look at this, and if you will allow me, I would like to point something out:
Would you like to go out in public with poop-breath? Would you like people to no longer want to be around you because your breath makes their eyes water? Of course not! So, from this perspective, he has done you a service, not insulted you.
You might say: "We weren't in public!" and I might ask you: So, you care more about other people wanting to be around you than your own boyfriend?
Same goes for the pimple. Haven't you ever gone out without knowing you had a giant, glowing airplane beacon of a pimple on your face? Did you enjoy the gaping stares from people who can't believe you didn't do something about it?
Didn't you WISH someone was thereto tell you about it and save you that embarrassment? Well guess what? Now you do have someone to tell you these things, and your lack of self esteem is causing you to alienate someone who loves you very much.
In regards to the artwork issue, that really makes it obvious that this is a self esteem issue.
You are upset that he can't see it from your point of view... but he would have to have low self esteem to do this. He doesn't have low self esteem, so the problem doesn't exist for him.
This is something that doesn't just happen. It is usually rooted in childhood, and it is rare for someone to overcome low self esteem without help from a counselor.
Please consider getting some counseling on this. Couples therapy is a good idea to, but let me tell you what is going to happen if you try to "fix" him before you try to fix yourself:
The counselor is likely to tell you things that are only going to make you feel worse because of this issue. It is going to seem like they are ganging up on you... because she isn't going to be "on your side" either.
Self esteem issues can color every aspect of your life. Once you overcome this, you will be a MUCH happier person. It is worth the trouble to get help for this.
If you choose not to get help, please be honest with your boyfriend and tell him he is going to have to lie and walk on eggshells for the rest of his life if he stays with you. Then give him permission to leave you with no hard feelings, so you don't ruin the rest of his life with this issue you refused to get help with.
I hope you make the right choice. You can be happy... it will just take a bit of effort on your part.
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Welcome to the other side of the honeymoon period.
You're at a point in your relationship where you start to feel comfortable with each other. For him, this means that he can bring up some things that he might not have before.
I'll tell my fiance if he has dragon breath, because then he'll do something about it and I don't have to smell it any more. It's just something that happens once you're out of the "he/she's perfect" zone. Nothing personal. You probably had bad breath before, he was just too nervous to say anything. Believe it or not, this is a good thing.
As for the art thing, it sounds like it was a legitimate piece of constructive criticism that you took way too personally. I think it's great that he's taking an interest in your activity, and wants to help you get far in your work. You've got to get over this if you want to go anywhere in art, because people will criticize, and may not say the nice things to go with it. It's not like he said "this is crap". He made an observation, and instead of trying to see it from his perspective, you've stomped off in an e-huff.
Loving a person isn't about telling them they're perfect. It's not about making them feel good all the time. It's about being happy together. If a comment about your art could make you a better artist, you should embrace it no matter who it comes from. If a comment about your breath can make him happier for the next half hour because you go and brush your teeth, then embrace it, because a tiny bit of embarrassment from you will save him the fun of smelling your onion sandwich all day. More kisses for you :)
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