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My depressed boyfriend will kill himself if i leave him.
Age: 20
Female
I need advice concerning my boyfriend. We've been together for nearly 5 years now. He has been depressed since he was a child, and he still remains depressed. He loves me very much and he treats me very well. Its not that I want to leave him because of any abuse. I want to leave him because I feel like he doesn't even want to live life. He plays video games all day everyday as a release from reality. Everytime we get in a fight he tells me, "if it weren't for you I'd be dead. I will kill myself because I make you so unhappy. I don't deserve you."
I care about him and I love him but I feel like there is so much more to life than I have. He wants me to marry him but I don't want to because I feel like I would always be longing for a better relationship. He doesn't work, or go to college so I feel like our future would be unsteady.
There is also someone else I've become very interested in. I can't get him off my mind. I feel like my thoughts are betraying to my boyfriend which creates my heavy conscious.
So what should I do? Thank you for your response. I feel irrevocably trapped.. I can't keep this up.
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He is emotionally manipulating you and guilt tripping you into staying in a relationship that you are no longer happy in for his own personal gain.This is a form of abuse emotional abuse. Your boyfriend needs help that only a professional can give him. He has had this problem before you came and he will have this problem after you leave. By allowing him to continue this behavior you are basically telling him that what he is doing is ok which encourages him to continue the cycle of abuse.
The first step you will have to take is to accept that fact that you can't change him, you can only change yourself. Accept that this isn't the type of relationship you want for yourself or future children and the hardest part, that you are NOT responsible for what he chooses to do. When you decide to no longer take responsibility for his negative behavior, this will take a huge weight off of your shoulder. If he begins to act out and threatens to commit suicide, call 911 and leave at that.
Once you let go of the emotional aspect, you will be able to a clearer perception on what you need to do for yourself. You live with his mother and to be able to completley move on with your life without getting hooked back into the relationship, you will have to move out. This may take some time and some compromising on your part. If you have to move into a house that is less desirable, but not placing you in harm's way, then make the compromise. By going to school and working, you will have little time there anyway's while giving you an opportunity to save some money for another place to live. It's not going to be easy to make changes, however, it will be the first steps to a happier future for yourself and that is who your priority needs to be on right now. I wish you the best of luck.
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First I think your boyfriend is saying this as away to control you. It is possible that I could be wrong but I doubt it.
He is comfortable with the way things are. You a are warm hearted person who would do nothing to hurt him and he knows this. By staying with him you are allowing him to have his way and not face reality and seek help for the depression you believe, and I agree with you, he is suffering.
The best thing you can do for him is to force him to seek help. This does not always work as it falls under that old saying; "that you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink". The least you can do though is try as it is in his own best interest.
The first thing you can do is to do as you are wanting to do which is just to leave, but tell him why. Which is that his depression and the resulting lack of interest in life is not what you see as a future for yourself.
The other way to way to handle him is to turn the control table around on him. This is the horse to water part. Tell him that unless he gets of his butt and gets help for his depression; starts to live a better life. then you will leave him as the way you are presently living is again not the way you picture your future life.
He may play the "I'll kill myself card again"; if he does tell him that is not going to work anymore. He needs to get help. Now it is up to him as to whether you stay or go.
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