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humorist-workshop
Friendship disappointment and insecurity
So i'm pretty unhappy right now. I'm in college and I'm not necessarily finding it hard to make friends but I'm not happy with my situation now. In high school, I despised my social situation. All I've ever wanted was to fit in like a puzzle piece in a group of friends that I love to death. I had a few good friends and a best friend (another bad situation, story for another time) and that was pretty much it. I know, you're thinking quality, not quantity but there was not much quality either and neither is there at this point. There's this girl, Julie who is one of my best friends. At first I thought she didn't have much interest in me but then we all of the sudden became really close. I was ecstatic. She's way cooler and more fun than any of the friends I had in high school put together and it made my confidence go way up that she liked me so much and I could make a friend I actually liked and respected (I would never tell her that though, I try my best to act confidently). We're in the same circle of friends and we're all in the same residence building and they're all really cool, fun, and pretty as well. I was a dork in high school and before winter break and during I felt so proud that these people showed a strong interest in me. Well, my confidence has gone down exponentially over the past week. Julia has been paying a lot less attention to me and more to our gay friend Dan and a couple other people, which she has every right to do but it's crushing me. I can tell she's not as excited to be around me anymore. And this isn't just a paranoid vibe. I'm painfully jealous of the awesome relationship they are forming while I'm not really a part of it. It just makes me think that it was too good to be true. I'm not cool enough and I never will be. For a while I actually thought I was becoming this cool, fun person that people admired but now, I think that was too good to be true. I'm friends with all of them but now I feel like I don't totally fit in. The main thing is Julia. I'm trying to tell myself not to let one person bring me down but I'm disappointed. I think back to how happy I was when she started becoming really close with me and how jealous I am of the same thing that's happening with another person. I'm back to feeling like an unintelligent dork again when for a couple of months, I actually felt funny, fun, and likeable. I've always, always, always just wanted a group of friends. Not two or three here and there, a GROUP, who loved me as much as I loved them. My social life has been my number one priority since college and I try so, so hard for it not to be that way but I can't change it. I need acceptance. I need to be loved, and not but awkward people I don't like but the ones I do like. And trust me, I don't act clingy and needy to any of my friends. I'm good at concealing my emotions and needy is the least way I'd ever want to come off as. The whole Julia thing is the main thing that's absolutely crushing me. Talking to her about it is a bad idea. She's not doing anything wrong and if she's truly not interested in me, I can't force her really like me. I'm just extremely disappointed and insecure and I feel like everything has been reset to the way it was in high school. I just want a solution to this disappointment. I know, I can make new friends but it's not the easiest thing in the world and it doesn't resolve my disappointment about Julia. I want the happiness I had two months ago back. SORRY SO LONG
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hey,
The size of a question is no problem. I think the size of the question should tend to be the same as the reply. So, I know what it is like to have the need to fit in with a group or to find that someone you can relate to. If you don't have that, it can grow on you and make you feel as if you are nothing but a tiny speck on this planet called Earth. I have felt the need to be more than one person too. When you say quality not quantity, I can agree partially. Quality is very important, but sometimes it is nice to be able to fit in with a whole group.
Your relationship with Julie gave you so much, yet not what you had hoped for. Some people will appear to be there for you and then later you have to face the reality of their false image portrayed. What I mean is: things aren't always what they seem. I had a best friend for a few years and she seemed like the perfect friend. We hung out all the time, talked about everything, told eachother secrets, had sleepovers, etc etc. Until one year she decided to lie to me, backstab me, use me, and then dump me as a friend for my brother. Some friend she really turned out to be. Point is, we all have flaws. Even though some people may seem to have perfect lives and lots of friends... there will always be something that they aren't satisfied with. Such as family,a fake 'friend', boyfriend, or school. In your case, school groups. You have to discover who/what is real and be with that person/group. They will continue to accept you no matter what.
What you say about Julia; that she was much cooler than you and made you more fun... is silly. I know what you mean by 'she brought out the best in you', but you are still your own person and we are all human. No one is cooler than anyone else. We choose to make ourselves who we want to be because we can. No one decides if we are going to be happy today, sad today, or mad today because of a circumstance... it all falls on ourselves. You can choose to be happy as hard as it may be to overcome a situation. You can figure out what will keep you smiling or continue to dwell on what could have been. You know what I mean?
I really never fit in with anyone my whole life. My reasons are different than yours, but I can definately see where you are coming from. A sense of belonging is what makes a person feel important, loved, and accepted. I have to say, college can be a very hard place to find the acceptance you crave. There are people that keep to themselves and certain groups that won't accept others. What you need to do is seek out people that have common interests and make time to converse with them. If you find the people that can relate to you (expecially on more than one level) it is so much easier to belong to that group. Join a club or go to a get-together where all the students/teenagers hang out. Talk to people about your interests and see if they can help you to make them happen. Wherever 'your' people are, you should find a way to join them.
Please, don't turn away everyone that may seem like someone you wouldn't 'hang out' with. You never know, that person could introduce you to someone who would be able to help you out in the friendship area. You are so right about Julia. If she has lost interest in being your friend, then you shouldn't worry about her any longer. There are/will be others that will accept you for you and will want you to be part of their bigger picture. If you can train yourself to move on/open your mind to new opportunities, you will find that sense of belonging; it may even come to you without notice. Positivity is what you need the most. Even if you feel depressed, find a slight flicker of a bright side. You say you hide your feelings and that is alright sometimes. But, if you do feel like you want to talk to someone different, join in on a conversation, or if you feel excited about something, you should speak up! It will open your friendship doors greatly, leading you to becoming part of a group. Have you ever heard that: if you fall down, you pick yourself up again? You don't sit there or you may get ran over and over again... ouch. Do the things you love, never hold back, and try something new. You can meet simular individuals. Once you get involved, you will be included in many relationships/groups <3
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Hi,
You do realize that you sent me three, count it... three inbox questions completely the same. Just so you know. I will answer the last one you sent :p
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