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His family and I: They disapprove of me
17/f
So my boyfriend's parents disapprove of me. Why? They thought I didn't want to interact or become a part of their family. They kept telling my boyfriend that, and he kept trying to make me visit them. Yes, I do believe it's my fault. Before we started dating, I worked at a restaurant as a hostess. His family would always go there to eat, his mom was always happy, but whenever I saw his dad he always frowned. The owner of the restaurant knew the family personally, and they found out that I liked the oldest brother (boyfriend), and the owner told me the dad was scary. So that got me quite nervous. When we started dating, I wanted to make a good impression, I really liked him. I wanted to get my hair cut (my bangs was covering half my face), I wanted to dress nicely. But what was also difficult, was that I went to school full time and I worked 24 hours/week. My boyfriend kept telling me, that to them... Looks do not matter, as long as I'm myself and I go as how I am.
But I kept getting nervous about it, he has a family of 8. His dad was a doctor, my parents put pressure on me. And the thing is, I never learned how to use chopsticks. I was raised to use a fork, my mom never placed chopsticks in my hands before... I thought it would make me look terrible, because his 5 year old sister knows how to use it. He was family oriented, I wasn't. Our family was completely different, my family is poor or middle class, and his dad is a doctor. They have high expectations of their children. My parents, just want my sister and I to look for happiness.
So, it took me a month to see them. I automatically liked the mom, but I was still uncomfortable around his family. I was really shy. His siblings never smiled at me, other than the younger sister. His brother always disliked me. And when I met his dad, he didn't smile, and I had this vibe that he didn't like me. So I felt more uncomfortable. I worked at the mall, so I didn't get off work until 9 so I wouldn't be home until 9:30 PM, I went to work right after school. And the other times I would use to go study for school. Him and I thought that it would be disrespectful to go over and visit late, because that would be the time that he would have my boyfriend send me home, and all of the children would go to sleep.
So now, basically... His parents don't like me anymore. His mom told his dad not to judge because they didn't know what was going on, but then later on, his mom started disliking me. So we broke up once because he was getting so much pressure, but we got back together later on. And he hid it from his parents, but now he's tired of it.
I told him that I would try to win their approval again. I said nothing is impossible, it would be hard, but I'm willing to go through hell with him to get their approval. And if it doesn't work out in the end, at least he would know that I tried. I said that, it's always going to be like that, someone will always disapprove of their significant other but at the end, they're bound to be happy for that person because they're happy. He told me that he was too family oriented to do that, and that he honestly can't see me become part of his family. I'm hurt, I really am.
I know I screwed up from before, there's not a day where it doesn't pass my mind about it. I made this mess, and I want to clean it up. I don't want his family to be the reason why we break up, because there are times where I still wanted to see them, but he kept me away because he thinks there's nothing that can be done. I told him it's better them knowing about us, then him lying to them.
What should I do? What should I tell him to have him realize it will work out?
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Its really great thaat your partners family is so important to him. However he seems to be putting all of the pressure on you. It's important to him that you and his family get on but chances are thats not going to happen if they dont put in the effort.
Most of the family simply hasnt made the effort and disliked you from day one. If anything's going to happen then hes got to talk to his family about this too.
You could try another dinner or perhaps something less formal such as a trip out where everyone has the potential to just have a good time.
There's been many things you have done to try to make his family like you and they just dont seem interested. They need to learn to like you for who you are so dont try to pretend to be anything else. If they want to go by their lives on social status thats upto them.
Your boyfriend could also be much more supportive. He doesnt seem to be fighting for you and even though his family is important to him, he shouldnt end things with you when you really havent done anything wrong. If you're that important to him then he should be making more of an effort.
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I'm wondering if your boyfriend is using this situation as an excuse to keep his emotional distance from you. Because on one hand, you are right. When you truly care for someone, outside influences don't carry as much weight. If he was really committed to you he would tell his family that he wanted you in his life and they had better get used to you. But he can't and won't. I'm thinking he may be moving on from this relationship and he's too chicken to be truthful. Its easier to blame his family since you are already having issues. That being said, if you two are still together and you want to work things out, you need to do some work.Set up a meeting (dinner or coffee) with his parents and explain to them what you said here. Tell them you were so nervous about making a good impression that you are afraid that nervousness made you look stuck up or rude. But that wasn't your intention and you just want another chance to prove you are worth knowing. I think you may have judged them as well, and maybe you owe them an apology. You assumed that because they were well-off, that they would look down on you. But I can pretty much guarantee that one or both of those parents has been poor at one point in their life. They probably deserve as much of a chance to make a good impression as you do. And imagine what kind of an impression you would make for admitting your mistakes. They will be impressed by that, it is a sign of maturity. You don't have to expect to become best friends or even an official member of the family. But you can become someone who they enjoy having around and feel comfortable with. You made a mistake in the beginning. If you can, you have to admit it and make it right. If they won't meet with you, write a note or letter. If your boyfriend won't arrange a meeting, maybe you need to rethink your relationship and how committed he is to it. Good luck.
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