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disconsolate and wondering...any ideas?
16/f
I was raped over a year ago, but forgot about it or never thought about it, (automatically suppressed it) and after a year of therapy, I'm finally talking about it in my sessions. It feels as if it happened yesterday (as stupid as that sounds) and I've no appetite, I don't care for my relationships with my friends very much (they're all leaving for college in a couple months anyway), and...I've basically become lethargy's best friend. (also, the stress and severe acid reflex is making me puke frequently after anytime I eat any decently proportioned meal)
I used to be extremely fit. Triathlons, cross country, bicycling, and such; however, now more often than not, I find myself crying at random times during the day and or sleeping. I'm neglecting my school work, and I'm letting myself go. (not that I'm fat, but my cardio gone to shit)
My best friend has severe depression and at one point blamed me for his attempt suicide (he didn't pull it off. just a damaged liver), because he said that I was the only one who understood him and that he was in love with me.
My other friend, close to me and my friend with severe depression, a little while ago, blamed me (i'm the only one around now-a-days) for his manic depression and chronic drinking.
My relationship with my last boyfriend of a year fell through in November, and although I've plenty of people interested, I haven't the effort to get with anyone else without having to worry about going numb whenever it comes to becoming sexually intimate with me. Also, my last boyfriend was 19 and although he wasn't the most emotionally stable person, he was at least emotionally responsible. I can't stand my peers. They're confused, horny for their own good, and most importantly, far too emotionally dependent for me to handle right now.
I'm not going to try to kill myself. That, in itself, just sounds... exasperating. I just want this all to stop. My body won't do what I ask of it (hold down my meals) and I can't think anymore. I'm a very proud person, so I find this extremely difficult simply stating that...right now, at the moment and for the last three weeks, I've been and am completely helpless.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but if there's anyone out there who has any ideas, well, they would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.
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Well, you're still in therapy, so that's good. Listen, a year is not nearly enough time to move on from something like this. I know you think you should, but you really need to give yourself a break. You are grieving. YOu need to give yourself permission to grieve and go through this process. It will take a while. It will take a lot longer than you think it should. Don't get frustrated with yourself. Allow yourself to feel all the things you are feeling. Understand that things WILL be confusing and upside down for a while. This is all part of the process. I know that doesn't sound encouraging, but remember, you can't get to the other side if you don't cross the road first. This is you crossing the road. Its not fun, its not cool, its taking a hell of a lot longer than you wish it would, but it is what it is. Keep opening up to your therapist. Keep doing the work in therapy. In the meantime, do your best to put yourself around positive people. Your 'so-called' best friend who blamed you for his weakness - that's not someone you need to be around. Stay away from boyfriends for a while. You need to heal. If you feel like its impossible to stay out of a relationship, bring that up with your therapist. You need to discover why it is you feel you NEED to be with someone at your age. 16 is quite young. Being with a bf will make your recovery take longer. As the fog starts to lift in your heart, take baby steps to get back out there doing the things you love. You don't have to start training for triathalons, but could you start riding your bike once a week? Maybe join a riding group or club that meets once or twice a month? Could you start going for walks with a family member or a chill friend? Don't look at it as getting your old life back. That's gone. You are a new person now. Find out who that new person is, and learn to love her. Take small steps, don't focus on the big picture just yet. You will come through this, I know you will. And the best part is, when you do come out on top, you'll have an amazing story to share with other girls who are going through what you are right now. And you will be able to help get them through, because you'll know just how it feels. Good luck.You can do this!
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well you can try anti depressents and try the supressed thing again i know what its like to be raped and going through the whole deppression process and try doing other things and keep going to your therapist.
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