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I feel the same way
I wish I had your life. You have a husband at home who has stayed with you and your sons through the hardest of times. When you have a loving partner, you can achieve anything. I was with my partner for over 5 years and found out last summer that she had been cheating on me for nearly a year with a mutual friend of ours. It is now 5 months later and I cannot bring myself to heal from this. The visions of her touching someone else, of my friends laughing behind my back as everyone knew but me.. it tears me up everyday. I do not want to live any longer. She was my everything! I loved her more than I loved anyone else in this world and the only comforting thoughts that go through my head are those of ending my life.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
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... and asking them as well as the whole site about your dilemma.
I can tell you this much: My wife of almost a decade left without a word, just 3 days before our 10th wedding anniversary.
Almost 4 years later, and there has never been a word from her. If it weren't for her mother, I never would have known what happened. As far as I understand, she moved across country to live with a guy she had been playing World of Warcraft with for a long time.
She left a crazy 6 page letter in an e-mail. It was so crazy that the police thought, as I did, that she had had a psychotic break.
Turns out, after talking to her mother, that each and every word of that letter was a lie. She made it all up.
There were some VERY hard times after this unfolded, and I very much sympathize with your feelings.
Here is what I can tell you from my experience:
It feels like the pain will never go away, but it will.
I don't know if the wounds ever completely go away. There are days that this effects me VERY deeply. Someone else in my life will do something that she used to do, and it will bring some of the feelings back.
As time goes by, it DOES get better. I promise that this worked that way for me.
You MUST have someone to talk with about this. You MUST. No exceptions.
One of the people on this site helped me more than she will ever know.
Now, please don't give in to the feeling you have about hurting yourself. As much as it feels like it is the only solution, it really isn't.
In the VERY near future, you will be looking back on your current state of mind, and you won't believe that you even considered this.
Here is the part that you aren't going to believe right now:
You probably feel like nobody in the world can understand what you are feeling.
That isn't true. Myself, and MANY other people know what you are feeling right now.
If you want to talk to someone right this second:
1-800-273-8255
... please call and talk. It is anonymous, and my new friend, no matter what, you need to talk this out.
It takes a long time, and someone with a patient ear.
If you would like to talk more with me about this, then please drop a note in my inbox with a better way to reach you. E-mail, skype, phone, or anything else that works for you.
You will feel better. It is awful right now, but soon you will see things about this you never knew before, and it will help.
Please call that number, and write me again.
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