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I'm a lesbian but I am interested in a guy and want to date? Am I straight?
I've been out as a lesbian for the past 12+ years. I'm 33 and I've dated my share of women. I've had serious relationships and not so serious relationships. I've never dated a man, not even for a short period of time as a teenager, and have never even had a desire to have sex with a man.
I haven't had a relationship since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend in the spring. Not even a one night stand with a woman. I've been happy since then though. Until this guy, this MAN, came along.
I started a new job after the break up and it's something that requires two people to work together often. I work with this guy, Steven, and we've been working together for a few months now. At first, when I very first met him, I thought the feelings I felt were me being envious of him being so incredibly masculine (I've always been kind of butch) because I was so intrigued by it. It was almost fascinating. Now I'm pretty sure it's more than that.
I've come to realize that I actually like him more than just as a person or friend or coworker. He has a wonderful personality and is quite the attractive man. The crush has developed so that I'm now questioning my sexuality after all of this time, and it's really confusing. From time to time I have these dreams of him that are very sexual in nature even. I feel so twisted up. I have these intense feelings for him and I've never felt this way about any woman.
He's a very masculine man, just like I said. I know he's single. I told him when we started working together that I'm a lesbian, and he was perfectly fine with that and hasn't ever said anything to me about it since. Now the problem is that I'd like to date him and see where things go.
I haven't purposely done it but lately I find myself being a little less butch and a little more feminine around him. I'm more concerned with looking "pretty" now. It isn't like me at all, but it's really strange because I feel happy with him being a "manly" man. I think we might actually make a good pair.
Enough of my rambling. Do you think I'm a lesbian or what? I never thought I was straight but this has me questioning everything about me. And should I say something to him? Do I make a move? Do I just go with the flow and hope he catches on that I'm interested? Do I pretend these feelings don't exist?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Things happen that just defy explanation, this may be one of them. Steven may be just attractive enough to you that you are somewhat Bi-Curious when it comes to him. Are you still a Lesbian? I don't think that is a question any of us can answer for you.
I've known and still do know some lesbians. The one question that I've never asked but always wanted to know is how do you know you don't like me, sexually, if you have never tried having sex with one. I'm a firm believer that you must always try something before condemning it.
As to Steven; I would suggest you invite him out for drinks after work or even out for a meal. Steven being single might appreciate a home cooked meal. You might investigate this, if you are a good cook, by bring in some leftovers to share at lunch.
Once you have found away to have a private time with him you need to tell him how you feel. You could start by saying: Steven I know I've told you I am a Lesbian but working with you as closely as we do has awoken feelings in me I have never felt before. If you are willing I would like to explore these feelings and to hope you will introduce me to heterosexual love making. You may have to be that blunt. But you chose the words to use.
The point here is that you will have to make the first move as I don't feel Steven will make a move on you regardless of any signals you may send him. If Steven is open to what you propose and things workout you may want to explore three-ways with another women. I don't know any man who would turn down the opportunity to sleep with two women at one time. But this is for much later in any relationship you two may build and the three-way is for you should you still feel the need for female love.
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If you make a move, he might feel a little bit uncomfortable, so dont make any sudden moves. Maybe tell him that you are a little confused about it right now, so if you do end up making a move, he wouldnt feel so awkward. I think that you might be bisexual. If you have feelings for a man, but you also have had feelings for women, it is very possible that you are bisexual. What I would do is see what happens between you two, and see where the relationship goes. (:
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We can't exactly all just take a vote, and determine your sexuality that way... No one can determine you sexuality for you based on the way you look, or the way you’ve behaved in the past. Some people marry partners, raise families and live ‘straight’ lives, but always know in their hearts they are homosexuals. No one else can access that knowledge. It’s a completely personal thing.
You are experiencing something new, and that's cool and great. In my life, I've met quite a few gay men and lesbians who have said something like "Yeah, there is this ONE person of the opposite sex that does it for me." And admitting that doesn't make them less gay, just more honest.
I've met some woman I'd happily leap into bed with, and I have had sexual and romantic relationships with woman. That doesn't mean I desire my boyfriend any less, and it doesn't make me a lesbian. I don’t much like being called a bisexual – I don’t think that term represents me very well and maybe you don’t like it either since you didn’t even bring up using it to help label your new experiences – but I’m certainly not black or white, straight or gay. My sexuality, and the way I have expressed it in my life, falls in a gray zone.
It's allowed to be more complicated than that. You don’t have to pick A or B.
Honestly, more than worrying about labelling yourself right at this moment, I think you should decide IF you can anything about this particular crush. After all, you are co-workers.
Are there any rules at your work against dating a co-worker? A
Are you feeling confident enough to tell this man you would like to go on a date or two, and to respectful answer his questions as well as you can?
Do you feel you can be respectful of him as a partner and respectful of your own developing ideas at the same time, or are you on a path you need to explore a bit more alone before it can be shared?
What do you do if it doesn’t work out? If he rejects your offer of a romantic connection? What will that mean for your work?
If I were you, I wouldn’t focus so much on the label right now; but take a good hard look at what it is I want to actually DO. What actions do I want to undertake. What are the possible consequences for those actions.
Think of it like an art movement. No one called the Renaissance, the Renaissance until decades after it was over. No one called the Dark Ages, the Dark Ages until centuries later. Sometimes things can only be clearly labelled after they have been lived through and explored. So go explore, honestly and respectfully, maybe with this man, or maybe by yourself.
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