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Re: Your response to "Planning My Suicide"
First of all, let me say thank you for taking the time to respond. I may be a mess, but I am still able to appreciate someone trying to help me. You said all the right things, but unfortunately this goes deeper. I was shocked to hear that you are only a teen, and want to commend you on giving back to others on this site. Because you ARE a teen, I would like to pose a few additional questions for you and maybe you can help me understand some things. Though I am very much suicidal, I am also searching for a better way, I just haven't found one yet. Not to be crass, but I am planning things so that things can be in order for my children when I am gone. This is not something I am doing tomorrow. It may take awhile to get all my ducks in order. As I am writing this, I wonder if it is actually wrong of me to even come to you for advice, as you ARE just a young person and probably have enough going on. So, if you don't want to answer this, I will not fault you and will understand. Unfortunately, this only has a 2000 word max, so I might have to have "parts" to my response. Please bear with me.
*Thank you for saying I am "wonderful", but I really am not. I do have some good qualities, but my ability to ruin everything and everyone I come into contact with, far exceeds that which is good in me. For example, I am a liar. I have lied my entire life. I don't lie about "big" things, but about stupid, insignificant things that really don't seem to matter. I have spent several years trying to stop, through counseling, prayer, etc. and no matter how hard I try or what I do, it doesn't. I begged God to help me by letting me pause prior to speaking so I could catch myself before I spewed some unnecessary lie out. It hasn't worked. Here's the problem. A lie is a lie, and it may seem dumb or insignificant at the time, but that venom that spews from me has its way of coming back many years down the road. I don't care if it hurts me, but it spawns out and hurts others in some way, indirectly, and they do not even know it. In fact, no one except the counselor I saw, God, and now you even knows this. If I were to actually tell my children now, about something that began as a tiny lie many years ago and has since became a reality, it would crush them. They would hate me, and rightly so. Yet, not telling them is wrong, too. So even though God can forgive me for the sin, it is still hurting people. I didn't intend for that to happen when I originally said the lie. I couldn't fathom it would end up like this. But I can't take it back, and I can't make it go away. This is not only going to affect my daughters, but many people. It's also not the only lie. I am sure your natural inclination is to think I am lying about this, as well, and I don't blame you. But, I am actually being more honest than I have ever been. See, that's the part about admitting you lied, or are a liar. Once you acknowledge this, no one believes anything you say from that point forward. Can you blame them? Not really. So, I would like to be more specific with you, but lets start here. If you cannot believe me, then I will not seek further advice from you because I don't want to waste your time. If you think you can help, then I will gladly lay it all out there. I am seeking your specific advice because you are a teen, and I want to know what/how my daughters may respond. Again, if you want to run from this whole situation because it's too much, please do so. Even easier here is my email onlyXception-1 and it's at yahoo. If you want to make up some fake address (I would want my teens to do that for safety purposes if some random person was seeking their advice, too) and contact me so I can not be stuck putting this out there for all of the world to see, great. If anyone reads this and wants to help, reach me there. I don't want to die, I just want to stop hurting people, and since I can't stop, this seems like the best solution, long term.
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From this point on, I will communicate with you via the information you gave me. (:
Stay strong.
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